"Of course, in the Flood it was the giraffe who came out worst of all, being the tallest; he had to watch, terrified, as God killed everything else, knowing that even his gentle, chewing face would eventually fill with water and he would lollop off this mortal coil."

"Low Budget Movie Titles?"

"I hope that England qualifies for the 2010 World Cup"

"On the very few occasions in my life when I have had to search for the hero inside myself, well...he wasn't in. In fact, all I found was a large pile of unopened post addressed to the hero inside myself, suggesting that he'd never even lived at that address."

"Surely it is better to have a government that does what you don't want it to do than to have no government not doing anything at all...Vote Conservative! What an inspiring call to arms."

"Why doesn't Paul McKenna just call all his books "I Can Make You £7.99 Poorer"?"

"Labour could get fewer votes than either of the other two main parties but still win, which would be bad news for democracy lovers, good news for fans of obvious miscarriages of justice, and great news for aficionados of awkward looks on the faces of people who have just undeservedly won something."

"[on Kim Jong-il] I do know he downloads the podcast. I say "downloads", I mean "tortures.""

"Crush a clove of garlic and let the juices drip onto the cream cheese"

"Spread peanut butter on another slice of pumpernickel"

"Place the pumpernickel slice with peanut butter on top of the slice with cream cheese and serve"

"Mix together with an electric mixer"

"Add one pound of peeled and chopped red peppers"

"Add five chopped Bermuda onions as you mix"

"Chill a good-sized bowl"

"Put one quart of ketchup into the bowl and mix"

"Add one quart vanilla ice cream"

"Add one can of red peppers"

"Spread cream cheese on one slice of pumpernickel"

"Add one can of hot mustard"

"Add one quart of vinegar"

"Add one small jar of oregano"

"Add four of five good-sized cloves of garlic"

"Don't you love the way a fresh box of ammunition smells?"

"It's weird, this, isn't it? (Sue: Mmm.) ...Not this, this. [vomits]"

"HiSue.Gottapackinalot,obviously.Speeddating.SoI'veactuallytookthelibertyoftakingacoupleoflinesofspeedbeforeIactuallycamehereWHYAREYOULOOKINGATME?!"

"I love you! Marry us!"

"I love European cinema. My favourite is Herbie Goes To Monte Carlo."

"So where are you from? I'm from prison!"

"I love comedy as well. My favourites are anything in which Steve Martin plays a dad."

"Shame about Gatwick..."

"Don't peck at my neck, swanface."

"Oh, hey there. Are you aware that your name rhymes with "glue", "shoe", and "poo", whereas mine only rhymes with "carcass"?"

"Hey, you are the kind of baby-making machine I'm looking for. I wanna have at least 10. I don't want much involvement in the upbringing; that's your job."

"Your computer's RAM capacity is laughable to me, you megahead!"

"To the max, dude!"

"Take your hoverboots and dash, cred-snatcher!"

"Can we just hold hands and thank Jesus for bringing us together?"

"Yeah, your mum makes gravy for leopards."

"Kris Kachurak as Dwayne Oswald"

"Steve Burns as Rodney Rathbone"

"Brandon Gilberstadt as Jared DeWhite"

"Doug Davis as Phil"

"Chad Reisser as Digger Digwillow and Horace Higgenbotham"

"Tiffany Song as Lisa"

"Phil Lollar as Roger Forsithe"

"David Griffin as Jeremy Forsithe and Jimmy Barclay"

"Azure Janosky as Donna Barclay"

"D.J. Harner as Jana Whitaker-Dowd"