"On November 1, 1959, the population of New York City was 8,042,783. If you laid all these people end to end, figuring an average height of five feet six and a half inches, they would reach from Times Square to the outskirts of Karachi, Pakistan. I know facts like this because I work for an insurance company - Consolidated Life of New York. We're one of the top five companies in the country. Our home office has 31,259 employees, which is more than the entire population of uhh... Natchez, Mississippi. I work on the 19th floor. Ordinary Policy Department, Premium Accounting Division, Section W, desk number 861."

"Edie Adams - Miss Olsen"

"David White - Mr. Eichelberger"

"Willard Waterman - Mr. Vanderhoff"

"Joyce Jameson - The blonde"

"Johnny Seven - Karl Matuschka"

"Naomi Stevens - Mrs. Mildred Dreyfuss"

"Joan Shawlee - Sylvia"

"Hope Holiday - Mrs. Margie MacDougall"

"David Lewis - Al Kirkeby"

"Jack Kruschen - Dr. Dreyfuss"

"Ray Walston - Joe Dobisch"

"Fred MacMurray - Jeff D. Sheldrake"

"Shirley MacLaine - Fran Kubelik"

"Jack Lemmon - Calvin Clifford (C. C.) "Bud" Baxter"

"I wonder how long it takes to get someone you're stuck on out of your system. They should invent a pump for that."

"Some people take, some people get took. And they know they're getting took and there's nothing they can do about it."

"Why do people have to love people anyway?"

"How could I be so stupid? You would think I should have learned by now. When you're in love with a married man you shouldn't wear mascara."

"Y'know, I used to live like Robinson Crusoe. I mean shipwrecked among 8 million people. And then one day I saw a footprint in the sand and there you were."

"As for myself, I very often stay on at the office and work for an extra hour or two, especially when the weather is bad. It's not that I'm overly ambitious, it's just a way of killing time, until it's all right for me to go home. You see, I have this little problem with my apartment...I live in the West Sixties, just half a block from Central Park. My rent is $85 a month. It used to be eighty until last July when Mrs. Lieberman (Frances Lax), the landlady, put in a second-hand air conditioning unit. It's a real nice apartment - nothing fancy - but kind of cozy - just right for a bachelor. The only problem is - I can't always get in when I want to."

"George Fields: [to Dorothy/Michael] I begged you to get therapy."

"Lynne Thigpen - Jo"

"Doris Belack - Rita Marshall"

"Geena Davis - April Page"

"George Gaynes - John Van Horn"

"Sydney Pollack - George Fields"

"Bill Murray - Jeff Slater"

"Charles Durning - Les Nichols"

"Dabney Coleman - Ron Carlisle"

"Teri Garr - Sandy Lester"

"Jessica Lange - Julie Nichols"

"Dustin Hoffman - Michael Dorsey/Dorothy Michaels"

"Can you keep a secret? In the next 72 hours, this desperate, unemployed actor will secretly audition for the lead of a soap opera. And become America's hottest new actress."

"What do you get when you cross a hopelessly straight starving actor with a dynamite red sequined dress? You get America's hottest new actress."

"He's Tootsie... She's Dustin Hoffman"

"Desperate, he took a female role and became a star. If only he could tell the woman he loves."

"This Is a Hell of a Way To Make a Living."

"Ron Carlisle: [after Dorothy reveals she is a man] I knew there was a reason she didn't like me!"

"John Van Horne: [after Dorothy reveals she is a man] Does Jeff know?"