"Officer: You like lingerie?! How do you like these little numbers? I sent away to 'em from Fredrick's. They was expensive. I love the feel of cold nylon on my big butt!"

"I'm going to BLOW YOUR BOWELS OUT!"

"Now I won't have any organs! It'll be like having a Barbie doll crotch!"

"Good old germ-carrying American currency!"

"[talking to her breasts] Hi big boys! I bet you didn't know Mommy won the Maryland lottery, yes! I'm going to be buying you lots of new push-up bras, so get ready for your new home! Things are going to be looking up for you two!"

"I'm so hungry I could eat cancer!"

"Come on, bitch! Eat some dog food! Eat it! Eat it, you bitch! Put my baby in the refrigerator!"

"Seize her and fuck her!"

"I hope you didn't leave no pecker tracks on my gown!"

"Hey morons, you got your clothes on backwards!"

"That little MF!"

"[while having sex with one of her guards] Oh, that love muscle! Whip it out and show it hard! Oh come on daddy, fuck me! Oh grow little inchworm!"

"Take them to our ugly expert, and give them a complete overhaul!"

"to Peggy I ain't your maid anymore, bitch! I'm your sister in crime!"

"to Mr. Gravel I don't want no white man lookin' at my Tampax!"

"[to Peggy] I am sick of listenin' to your bitchin'. The next time you feel a fit comin' on, go outside and bitch. Bitch at the air. Bitch at the trees. But don't bitch at us!"

"[while sitting on Mr. Gravel's face] Down, down, down, down, down, down, down! Down, down, down, down, down!"

"[comes into the room wielding a broom] Back off, asshole!"

"Good God almighty."

"You're just like the rest of the common dykes in this town!"

"You know I hate nature! Look at those disgusting trees, stealing my oxygen!"

"Am I living in hell?! Is that it?! Have I gone straight to hell?!"

"[the children are playing doctor in the nude] Sodomites! Caught right in a sex orgy! You dirty filthy...! Is that what you learned in private school?! Nude, nude, nude! You could be pregnant, Beth! And as for you, I never thought you would rape your own SISTER! Oh God, the children are having SEX!"

"I borrowed your toothbrush. I would have used your razor but it looks like you've been doing some gardening with it."

"Announcer: Let's welcome our guest healer Mr. Claude Henry Smoot."

"KKK Leader: Folks ain't home. Cross won't burn. Hell, it ain't like it used to be."

"Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee Schwartz."

"(narrating) I never liked guns, especially when they're pointed at me."

"(narrating) Over the years, I found Mr. Underhill's credit card to be a useful tool, much like Underhill himself."

"(narrating) When I got back, there was a cozy fire in the fireplace...and on the roof, and on the porch. It was great."

"(narrating) The morgue proved to be a dead end. But I guess it is for most people."

"You shouldn't wear so much eye shadow. It makes you look cheap."

"These walls are deplaning at an alarming rate!"

"Scum! Scum! Scum! Go back to where you're from!"

"I've been foolishly squandering my salary on food and heat."

"They multiply by masturbation."

"I believe Louisiana is the Pelican State."

""I was on my gazebo, on the roof, making some repairs, and I was struck by lightning...and I've had migraine headaches and blurred vision ever since then but praise the Lord that was my lucky day because ever since then, I've had the healing power. Amen, God bless you. Thank you very much. Good night. Yes? What happened? Yes?"

"What can I do to y- for you?"

"(narrating) Figuring out that the guy who dropped my watch in the swamp was the same guy who stole it at the morgue didn't take Sherlock Holmes... Larry Holmes could've figured that one out."

"(narrating) The Reverend Farnsworth was Becky's father, but I wasn't going to hold that against her. If I was going to hold anything against her, it wouldn't be her father."

"It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. I am NOT a big man."

"Becky was a good girl and didn't need to be spanked... dammit."