"[to his children, who have allowed Virginia to escape with his magic shoes] Idiot! Fools! I can't leave you alone for a minute! Your mothers would be ashamed of you!"

"What is destined to happen, will happen, no matter what we do!"

"Camryn Manheim - Snow White"

"I know your destiny. You'll ask a question, and die before it is answered."

"This is a magic crossbow. When fired, it will not stop until it hits the heart of a living being. It cannot miss."

"In a puzzling fit of immodesty, NBC claims that The 10th Kingdom is, no less, "the epic event of the millennium." NBC says so right on my screener tapes. Damn, that puts a hitch in the next 999 years and 10 months. But it does sound better than "a moderately diverting event of the week, which we are deathly afraid will be eaten alive in the ratings.""

"What is it with you people? What kind of twisted upbringing did you have? You know, why can't you just say, 'Oh, that'll be 100 gold coins'? Why does it always have to be, 'No! Not unless you lay a magic egg, or count the hairs on that giant's ass!'?"

"[Meeting the village idiot] Do we have magnets in our pockets? How do we attract people like this?"

"Well, it's "slice the fruitcake" time again."

"[after a mass poisoning] Anyone for seconds? [pauses to look around] No?"

"I hope you like dogs, Wendell. You're going to spend the rest of your life as one."

"There are no 'masters' here! Only one mistress! Don't forget that, doggy."

"All right, Mr. I-don't-have-to-look-but-I-can-chop-wood, your name is Rumpelstiltskin."

"[When a farmer's daughter reveals that the fake Wendell has told her family everything] Oh, dear. That really was the wrong answer."

"I'm gonna die of long hair!"

"Well, at least things can't get any worse."