"[about the woman who sued McDonald's because her coffee was too hot] We have trouble convicting people who confess to murder, but this woman is able to take three mil off of McDonald's? If the judge had any common sense, the trial should have gone like this: "Will the defendant please rise? Yeah, it's your fault. You're stupid. Coffee is supposed to be hot. Why didn't you blow on it before you chugged it down like a pledge having his first beer? Get out of my courtroom you stupid, stupid woman. Take your pinstriped parasite lawyer with you. Next case!""

"I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of "Whole Lotta Love.""

"The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood."

"Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge."

"At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork."

"The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.""

"I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown."

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."

"A cookbook is only as good as its worst recipe."

"Julia Child the famous chef said, "I never feel lonely in the kitchen. Food is very friendly.""

"I read and read and readthat's how I learned to cookfrom M.F.K. Fisher, Julia Child, James Beard."

"How can a nation be called great if its bread tastes like kleenex?”"

""Too much trouble," "Too expensive," or "Who will know the difference" are death knells for good food."

"My, I get so depressed after a poor meal; that's why I can never stay in England for more than a week."

"I don't believe in twisting yourself into knots of excuses and explanations over the food you make. … Maybe the cat has fallen into the stew, or the lettuce has frozen, or the cake has collapsed—eh bien, tant pis! Usually one's cooking is better than one thinks it is. And if the food is truly vile … then the cook must simply grit her teeth and bear it with a smile—and learn from her mistakes."

"I don't think you could say now that ABC is crasser than the other two networks. But as long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. It becomes an ever-descending spiral."

"Why don't you fold it five ways and put it where the moon don't shine."

"It's a wonderful job for people who have never had a nervous breakdown but always wanted one."

"(Q: Is conversation an art form?) Oh yes. Certainly. And I have delighted in overhearing conversations that were artistic. I like to listen to people talk. I enjoyed the Dick Cavett show, because Cavett is so articulate and apparently at ease, and his guests on that show were by and large people who were very interesting to listen to, and Cavett had the knack of bringing them out. So when I watched that show, I had the sense that it was an art form. Cavett was making it artistic. (Was he creating himself as well as creating language?) Absolutely. (And there were different Cavetts? There were different selves in different circumstances?) I think he was a different man depending upon who he talked to. He was a different man every time."

"The playwright George S. Kaufman remembered what he called the “greatest ‘line reversal’ of my lifetime.” He liked to drop in on Broadway shows he had directed to, as he put it, “just check on them and take out the ‘improvements.’ ” He was eternally grateful to have caught one performance when he heard an actor commit the gem. It ran: “Her breath would take your beauty away.” He kept the line framed on his desk ever afterward."

"You can piss away valuable hours of your life reading Ayn Rand—her wretched appeal to the young, her wretched writing, her wretched person. She was supposed to be on my show; I was kind of sorry she wasn’t, because I was kind of laying for her. I did not succumb, as a kid, to being enthused by Ayn Rand, and that sense of power, as every kid was at one time until they outgrew it. The old bag sent over a list of fifteen conditions for appearing with me, or for appearing with anyone, I guess. One of them was, “There will be no disagreeing with Ms. Rand’s philosophy.” […] I wrote at the bottom of the list, to be sent back to her, “There will be no Ms. Rand, either.”"

"You can, after all, reduce the reasons for watching TV to but two: to be lulled, and to be stimulated. Some people do one sometimes, the other sometimes. Some people do all of one or all of the other."

"There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?"

"It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear."

"Roaming the world as a foreign correspondent for more than a decade, I was able to observe how a variety of vastly different nations organized themselves economically. The inescapable conclusion was that no politician anywhere on the planet has ever actually created a rupee's worth of prosperity."

"Trees don't grow to the sky."

"So I light the fire with the lighter and then I'm like, 'Now, how am I going to light the candles?' And I'm racing through the house, tearing open drawers and throwing things out of closets, looking for matches … and I had just lit the fire with the thing!!! And then I was like, 'How did I light the fire?' So then l took the thing and lit the candles."

"Chicago is my favorite American city. … I like all the museums. I love the Art Institute. I love all the theatre and the blues clubs and bars, and the people are so great. I think Chicago is the perfect blend of a big city with a Midwestern finish on it. Everybody is really nice but it is a sophisticated city. I love the park. I love the zoo. I love the lake. The whole thing."

"[Madonna] worked so hard that it was really very touching. She’s a perfectionist and there’s never been anyone on the show that wanted to rehearse more than Madonna did. She wanted to rehearse her scenes over and over again."

"I consider myself bisexual, and my philosophy is, everyone innately is, although I've never had a full-on relationship with a woman, just a couple of what I'd term half-assed dalliances. So I haven't explored it to the degree that I'd like to, but I'll tell you, I'm open to it. And I don't have any problem saying that."

"A lot of people come up to me and say, 'Oh God, I'm just like Karen, that's what they [tell me] at the office'. I'm like, 'You know what? The people in your office may not be giving you a compliment. You may be getting fired soon.'"

"People see you one way and think, 'That's not her real thing, she's just putting that on now.' But that is! That's where my creativity really resides. Where it all springs. My characters are really bizarre. They're kind of dark and not really considered great people. It all comes from the same dark place, it's just filtered through comedy."

"If I weren't an actress playing a socialite, I'd have lavender hair, wear crappy vintage clothes and have tattoos. I'd be some kind of crazy lawless rebel - an alternative underground riot girl."

"Two days ago, I dreamt I married a 5-year-old boy. He treated me like a queen and was perfectly lovely. We took a driving trip for our honeymoon. Then it dawned on me: 'Oh my God! He doesn't have a driver's license! We could get arrested!'""

"I'm really good at staying home all day in my pajamas because I had a [dad] who did that."

"You don't need someone else's approval to do what you want; just figure it out and do it, damn it!"

"I've been going to the same grocery store for 13 years, and all of a sudden one day everybody was like, 'Oh, my God...'"

"I am terrified of mayonnaise. It was so bad when I was little that my friends would chase me around the house with a jar of mayonnaise and a knife."

"One tabloid had an article about how I was an irresistible sex- and man-magnet and how men flock to me. Of course, they were absolutely correct..."

"I like looser clothes, which always prompts my mom to say something classic like, 'You have such a darling figure - show it off more!'"

"I should have my 'girl citizenship' revoked. I never get facials. I never get my nails done. I'm so busy."

"My best friend was at the grocery store standing behind these two guys in line, and one of the guys told the other that I was a man. He said, 'If you look closely, you can tell that she is,' and the other guy was like, 'Oh, my God! Now that you mention it, she is a man!'. So I'm denying that I'm a man."

"I'm going to climb up this ladder, you understand, to this gate that's like this high and I'm going to pass two dogs and some bags and myself over the thing into a cab driver's arms. THAT's my plan!"

"It is no big deal to me. I have always been attracted to women, and I went on dates with women if they asked me.... It did not seem that different to me. But then I met my [husband], and now he is the apple of my eye."

"My off-white poodle. She doesn't consider herself to be gay, but I have my hunch."

"One day when I'm walking and I see -- at first I thought maybe he was resting -- but I saw a big dead seal on the beach, which was really sad. However, the thing that I thought was puzzling was there was a couple, a young guy and a girl on a beach towel not 15 feet from this big, dead mammal, and I look up and they're waving at me, like, 'Isn't it a pretty day?' And I'm like, 'There's a big dead seal right there.' They're putting on lotion. It was just bizarre. And, curtain. I just didn't want to be at the beach anymore."

"Well, I was missing my earplugs. And the way that I found out why they're missing is because the little Elmo -- his five pounds -- came in to the bedroom and deposited something on -- he came in from outside, he put something on the rug and was going to eat it. And I walked over and it was an earplug that had already been in and back out -- and apparently so delicious … he wanted it again!"

"I couldn't pronounce my last name until I was, like, 11."

"I said, `Now, wait a minute, so you're telling me you want this fish who lives in a fish tank in a dentist's office to be a fictitious character from an NBC sitcom?' I mean, it just doesn't make any sense to me. It's like, why would you want Mickey Mouse to be the lead in the `House of the Seven Gables' or something."