"One day when I'm walking and I see -- at first I thought maybe he was resting -- but I saw a big dead seal on the bea…"

"My off-white poodle. She doesn't consider herself to be gay, but I have my hunch."

"It is no big deal to me. I have always been attracted to women, and I went on dates with women if they asked me.... I…"

"I consider myself bisexual, and my philosophy is, everyone innately is, although I've never had a full-on relationshi…"

"Chicago is my favorite American city. … I like all the museums. I love the Art Institute. I love all the theatre and …"

"I like to take chances, and that's the key to comedy -- dancing like an idiot but doing it with wild abandon."

"I said, `Now, wait a minute, so you're telling me you want this fish who lives in a fish tank in a dentist's office t…"

"I couldn't pronounce my last name until I was, like, 11."

"Well, I was missing my earplugs. And the way that I found out why they're missing is because the little Elmo -- his f…"

"So I light the fire with the lighter and then I'm like, 'Now, how am I going to light the candles?' And I'm racing th…"