"[reading an email] "Dear Craig, … are your letters written by your writers?" No. "Does this make me one of your writers?" (ponders) Yes. "Why haven't I been paid?" Because you're one of my writers!"

"I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc."

"Clive Barker: It's an excuse to look at my groin. Craig Ferguson: I'm European - I don't need an excuse."

"Craig Ferguson: Do you do therapy? Hugh Laurie: I see a gentleman once a week. Craig Ferguson: I love it, I'm a great convert. Hugh Laurie: Therapy? Craig Ferguson: No, just seeing a gentleman once a week."

"[to camera] Excuse me for just a second. [walks off-camera, to studio audience] Shut up!"

"Don't do that... By the way, this is not Oprah furniture; you jump on this, and it will be firewood... Oprah's got the real thing, this stuff...this is about as real as that [points to cityscape backdrop] right there."

"Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you."

"Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey."

"I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass."

"Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'til the infomercials start."

"...or is it?"

"Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea."

"[bends over] *errgh* Sorry for making that noise, but … that's what happens when you get older. One day what happens is that you bend over, and you never come back."

"You don't say 'we're suspending the campaign'! You can't say that! We didn't sus-, you can't, it's the democratic process! We didn't suspend it for 9/11, we didn't suspend it for Pearl Harbor, we didn't suspend it for the Nazis, we didn't suspend it for the damn British! We don't do that in America! We don't! There's no suspending the campaign! Democracy first! First, first, first! First! Democracy, FIRST!"

"[to Rupert Grint] Look at the great city of LA stretched out in front of you, son: there's dangerous people living in that cardboard backdrop."

"Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!"

"Do what you love, and what you're proud of, and you're fuckin' bulletproof. You're fuckin' bulletproof. If you do what you absolutely believe to be right, then you're fuckin' bulletproof."

"Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of “what if” when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized."

"Get well soon, Castro. [pause] Actually, no, don't; die, you bastard!"

"I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing [sic] me."

"Welcome back to the big show where (at this point, he references something from earlier in the show)"

"They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots."

"You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you."

"Welcome back, my naughty donkeys."

"Welcome back, my naughty penguins."

"He's quiet as well, especially if you stalk him."

"Change is the nature of God’s mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain."

"As a vulgar lounge entertainer, my business relies on ridiculous stereotypes! If these people start using deodorant, I might as well just go home!"

"He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name."

"Welcome back, my frisky badgers"

"Whaa, I'm Brad Pitt. I'll crush you." [audience laughs] "With my hand!"

"By the way, _____ was the name of a movie I accidentally watched in a hotel room twenty or thirty times."

"Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys."

"Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain."

"In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you."

"By the way, _____ was a name I used to dance under."

"Welcome back, my filthy pigeons."

"I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page."

"That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself."

"[with a fist-shake] Take that, ____."

"Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations."

"Welcome back, my naughty monkeys. [whipcrack]"

"The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men."

"In 1963 the BBC premiered a show about an alien Who traveled through space and time to combat the powers of evil. … The show has been running in Britain almost fifty years, with many different actors in the role of The Doctor. … One thing is consistent though and this is why the show is so beloved by geeks and nerds — It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism! Intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism! And if there is any hope for any of us in this giant explosion in which we inhabit then surely that’s it: Intellect and romance triumph over brute force and cynicism!"

"I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie."

"By the way, there's a place on Hollywood Boulevard where you can get a _____ for twenty bucks."

"I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't."

"...best night of my life."

"America is, for me, an aspiration, a philosophy, a way of being, a dream."

"The trouble I have with astrophysics or quantum mechanics is the same problem I have with philosophy; which is: initially it is mind blowing, then it is fascinating, then it is disturbing, then it is almost uncomprehensible, then it's fascinating again, then you disappear up your own ass."