"The trouble I have with astrophysics or quantum mechanics is the same problem I have with philosophy; which is: initially it is mind blowing, then it is fascinating, then it is disturbing, then it is almost uncomprehensible, then it's fascinating again, then you disappear up your own ass."

"America is, for me, an aspiration, a philosophy, a way of being, a dream."

"Between safety and adventure I choose adventure."

"There are bound to be some lies here, but I’ve been telling them so long they’ve become truth, my truth, as close as I can get to what really happened."

"Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it."

"Sober alkies are often asked: “When did you hit rock bottom?” but a more informed question might be: “How many times did you hit rock bottom?"

"I am the only Iranian comedian in the world... and that's three more than Germany!"

"What do you call an honest Iranian businessman? Asif."

"Its part of a comedy cultural exchange tour: tonight, I am doing the UK and Jim Davidson is being buggered in Baghdad right now, systematically and without cessation, by United States Troops! Such fun."

"Semtex... with nowt taken out!"

"A Persian Cat! Not an Iranian cat, no: an Iranian cat has a bomb under the body warmer!"

"YOU BASTARD! Come to my carpet shop."

"When the war kicks off in Iran, I will be there. People ask me "Whose side are you going to fight on?" To these people I say "Fight? I'm not going to fight! I'm going to entertain!" Because let's face it, when they see my comedy, they won't have the will to fight. When the American and Iranian troops see the comedy of Omid Djalili, they won't have the will to live!"

"So we beat the Croations at football and I was there yelling "Ah, you Crotes!" and this guy says "It's cro-at; learn to speak English." So I was about to retort when he said "Hang on, you're Omid Djalili! You're good! I said "Aww thanks." He says "What are you going to do next?" I said "I'm in a pantomime of Wind in the Willows. I play the TO-AD, OF TO-AD HALL! I get in my BO-AT! And it sinks because it can't FLO-AT! And when I get out of the river, I'm wet and cold so I put on my CO-AT! And I can't get in my house because it's full of ferrets and STO-ATS!" Amusing wordplay but ultimately leads nowhere."

""The pen is mightier than the sword," you say. Get out your pens and prepare to have your logic tested by steel."

"Why do men die before their wives? Could it be because they want to?"

"In this world there are winners and losers. And, of course, 'the others', who comprise the majority."

"I went to a funeral the other day. Caught the wreath."

"Clowns divorce. Custardy battle."

"I was walking down the road the other day, and I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the world is. And I thought to myself "Why would anyone in their right mind bother to take drugs?". Then I remembered I was on drugs, and that was the reason."

"If you only ever read one book in your life... I highly recommend you keep your mouth shut."

"It is the vanity of women to spend hours in front of the mirror. It is the vanity of men not to bother."

"Look at the sea and remember the past. Look at the sky and imagine the future. Look at the land and think of the present. And in the most profound place where land, sea and sky are one - there ye shall play volleyball."

"Whatever it says in the bible the truth remains. You can read the bible and dismiss it as nonsense if you like; you can dismiss it as nonsense without reading it to save time if you prefer."

"Sex. If you want it badly that's how you're going to get it."

"It is said that behind every great man lies a great woman. This is because women lie."

"You may think I'm cruel to the monkey, but you only see the tip of the iceberg, for the monkey is cruel to me. It hits me when I sleep. It sleeps when I hit it. Imagine how impotent that makes me feel."

"It is said that over time, owners come to resemble their dogs. But does that excuse auntie Hilda from shitting in the garden?"

"There are two types of people in this world: those who live in the cities - or 'citizens' as I call them - and those who live in the countryside... who shall remain nameless."

"You know, it was only after my father showed me what I would inherit that I struggled to keep him alive."

"Although no man is an island, you can make quite an effective raft out of six."

"Like most true Scots I despise the haggis, the kilt and the caber. Unlike most true Scots, I am not Scottish."

"[Responding to unspecified forthcoming claims from the media] These allegations pertain to the time when I was working in the mainstream, when I was in the newspapers all the time, when I was in the movies, and as I have written about extensively in my books, I was very, very promiscuous. Now during that time of promiscuity the relationships I had were absolutely, always consensual. I was always transparent about that then, almost too transparent, and I am being transparent about it now as well. To see that transparency metastasised into something criminal, that I absolutely deny, makes me question is there another agenda at play."

"We're here on this planet for a temporary time, we should be spending our time -- some of our time pursuing leisure and joy, all of our time in a spirit of love; we've ended up somehow in this mad planet where we work all the time, most of us doing jobs that we absolutely deplore, getting up to trudge through some meaningless ritual that doesn't relate to the survival of the planet, that doesn't benefit our community."

"A pound shop Enoch Powell"

"The world is changing and we are awakening. These statistics give us a numerical glimpse at the visceral dissatisfaction that most of us feel. Now is the time to express it. These corrupt structures cannot be maintained without our compliance. You could vote against them, if there was anything to vote for, but there isn’t, or you could stop paying your mortgage, stop paying your taxes, stop buying stuff you don’t need. When we, the majority, unite and demonstrate our new intention, we will be invincible. If we, who are complicit by our silence, become active and disobedient. This is a pivotal time in the history of our species. We are transitioning from an ideology that places power and responsibility in the hands of the few to one where we all collectively have power. It is important that we clarify, in a manner accessible to all, which institutions and systems are beneficial and which ones have to go. It is important that we propose ideas and systems that will be advantageous, like the handful in this book, and ensure that they are presented properly. When they are inevitably disparaged by the fearful enemies of change, we must remain unified and insistent. At this climactic time, we have no choice but change. This book, written by a twerp, with minimal interaction with brilliant thinkers and uncorrupted minds, demonstrates that. Now, what are you going to do about it?"