"History, tradition, culture... are not concepts! These are trophies I keep in my den as paperweights! The chaos we will cause with this machine will be our final masterpiece!"

"If Da Vinci were alive today, he'd be eating microwave sushi, naked, in the back of a Cadillac with the both of us."

"I'll kill your friends, your family, and the bitch you took to the prom!"

"I'll torture you so slowly, you'll think it's a career."

"Money isn't everything - gold is. Fuck T-bills! Fuck blue chip stocks! Fuck junk bonds! We've got the real deal! Money will always be paper, but gold will always be GOLD!"

"This might be hard to believe, but I'm just a regular Joe. I just want to be happy. And happiness comes from the achievement of goals. It's just that when you've made your first billion by the age of 19, it's hard to keep coming up with new ones! But finally, I've got myself a new goal: WORLD DOMINATION!"

"What can I tell you? I'm the villain."

"(drugged) I feel like a dolphin who's never tasted melted snow. What does the color blue taste like? Bobo knows! (laughs) I must speak with the dolphins now. Eeeee-eeee-eee-eeeeeee!"

"That doughnut-hole-eating, son-of-a-bitch, take-it-in-the-ear-for-a-beer, rat bastard!"

"[after decapitating Alfred] You won't be attending that hat convention in July!"

"Hey! Old Man! Yeah, you! You come back here without your little Cub Scout army, and I'll kick your Centrally Intelligent Ass up one side of the piazza and down the other!"

"Hi, I'm being blackmailed into robbing Vatican City by a psychotic American corporation and the C.I.A.."

"How am I driving? 1-800-I'm-gonna-fucking-die!"

"If the Mario brothers weren't New Jersey's third-largest crime family, I'd say, "Kiss my ass." But considering your status, I will say, "Slurp my butt.""

"Keith Eden as Dr. Fletcher"

"Kevin Brennan - Dr. King"

"Lou Vernon - Bill Davidson"

"Joe McCormick - Ackerman, radiation sickness victim"

"John Meillon - Sawfish crewman Ralph Swain"

"Richard Meikle - Davis"

"Guy Doleman - Lieutenant Commander Farrel"

"Ken Wayne - Lieutenant Benson"

"Lola Brooks - Lieutenant Hosgood, Bridie's secretary"

"Harp McGuire - Lieutenant Sunderstrom"

"John Tate as Admiral Bridie"

"Donna Anderson - Mary Holmes"

"Anthony Perkins - Lieutenant Commander Peter Holmes"

"Fred Astaire - Julian Osborn"

"Ava Gardner - Moira Davidson"

"Gregory Peck - Commander Dwight Lionel Towers"

"IF YOU Never See Another Motion Picture In Your Life You Must See ON THE BEACH"

"The Biggest Story Of our Time!"

"I wouldn't really mind... if you could forget entirely who I am... I don't like myself very much anyway."

"There isn't time. No time to love... nothing to remember... nothing worth remembering."

"In the end, somehow granted the time for examination, we shall find that our so called civilization was gloriously destroyed by a handful of vacuum tubes and transistors. Probably faulty."

"Who would ever have believed that human beings would be stupid enough to blow themselves off the face of the Earth?"

"I shouldn't drink, you know. I inevitably say something brilliant."

"The trouble with you is you want a simple answer. There isn't any. The war started when people accepted the idiotic principle that peace could be maintained — by arranging to defend themselves with weapons they couldn't possibly use — without committing suicide. Everybody had an atomic bomb, and counter-bombs, and counter-counter bombs. The devices outgrew us; we couldn't control them. I know, I helped build them. God, help me. Somewhere, some poor bloke probably looked at a radar screen and thought he saw something. He knew that if he hesitated one-thousands of a second — his own country would be wiped off the map. So, So, he pushed a button - and the world went — crazy. And, and..."

"James Coburn - George Kaplan"

"Donald Burton - Alfred"

"Sandra Bernhard - Minerva Mayflower"

"Richard E. Grant - Darwin Mayflower"

"Andie MacDowell - Anna Baragli"

"Danny Aiello - Tommy Five-Tone"

"Bruce Willis - Hudson Hawk"

"Watch your step. Hold your breath. Hang on for dear life. And catch...the hawk."

"Catch the Excitement. Catch the Adventure. Catch the Hawk."

"Shy. Sensitive. Law-abiding. Polite. Respectful. - I don't think so."

"For this cat burglar, nine lives may just not be enough."