"[to Kathleen Kelly (Shopgirl) in instant message] The Godfather is the I Ching. The Godfather is the sum of all wisdom. The Godfather is the answer to any question. What should I pack for my summer vacation? 'Leave the gun, take the cannoli.' What day of the week is it? 'Maunday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday.' And the answer to your question is 'Go to the mattresses.' You're at war. 'It's not personal, it's business. It's not personal it's business.' Recite that to yourself every time you feel you're losing your nerve. I know you worry about being brave, this is your chance. Fight. Fight to the death."

"[to Kathleen Kelly (Shopgirl) in email] Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could pass all my zingers to you and then I would never behave badly and you could behave badly all the time and we'd both be happy? On the other hand, I must warn you that when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows."

"[to Kathleen Kelly (Shopgirl) in email] Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly-sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address. On the other hand, this not knowing has its charms."

"[to Kathleen Kelly] Timing is everything. He waited until you were primed. Until you knew there was no other man you could ever love."

"[to Kathleen Kelly about her internet friend NY152] Maybe he is fat. Yup. He's fat. He's a fatty."

"[to Kathleen Kelly] I would have asked for your number… and I wouldn't have been able to wait 24 hours before calling and asking, "How about coffee, drinks, dinner, a movie, for as long as we both shall live?""

"Another of the dilemmas "in which we are all", Pavlo, is that there are too many damn machines around here. We're all missing The Big Picture."

"Boris, Friedrich Hegel left us with two very important concepts. The first is that nothing great is ever accomplished without passion, and the second is "sonofabitch". One word, accent on the last syllable."

"Kenneth Tigar — Pavlo"

"John Dehner — Paul"

"Ian Wolfe — Professor Brauer"

"David Ogden Stiers — Dr Sid Kullenbeck"

"Virginia Madsen — Barbara"

"Mariel Hemingway — Meli"

"Vincent Spano — Boris"

"Peter O'Toole — Dr Harry Wolper"

"He's a famed biologist. But she's more interested in anatomy."

"He is obsessed to re-create his wife...she died thirty years ago."

"It's potentially dangerous, probably illegal and definitely crazy."

"Dr. Kullenbeck: You can't give this man ANY MONEY! He's a LUNATIC! He thinks he's re-growing his dead wife in his back yard, it's no joke. He's been cloning a dead person without a license! He took all our lab equipment without ANY authorization! Got a teenage girlfriend, flashes her tits!"

"Meli: If I took my pants off I could beat the Green Bay Packers."

""Zeno": Zeno's first law: never make love with anyone crazier than yourself."

"Mrs. Pruitt: [to Dr. Wolper] Dr. Novak called. He said that your proposed address to the Medical Congress on "The Profit Incentive in Misdiagnosis" is really not very funny at all."

"Well, our understanding of the infinite variables of the human brain's behavior stops right here. Welcome to the Dark Ages of enlightened science."

"[to the Site Review committee] As you know, our research here relates to the biochemical mechanisms of disease. And I am pleased to announce this morning that God has agreed to provide us with all the answers we need for just under $800,000."

"An institute for advanced research with no funds for research. It's a provocative concept."

"When Lucy and I first met, Paul, the world was a pet. It came along with us wherever we went, like a good dog. Obedient. Loyal. Friendly. The world responded to our commands."

"[Sid is going thru Harry's garbage] We shall be putting out another load on Friday, Sid. I'll try to leave something incriminating for you. Meantime, would you care for a cup of Mrs. Mallory's coffee? [Sid looks at Harry resignedly, hangs his head, and accompanies Harry into the house for coffee]"

"I tell you Boris, that one of these days we'll look in to our microscope and find ourselves staring right into God's eyes, and the first one who blinks is going to lose his testicles."

"Look! First day of classes. Undergraduate female bottoms as far as the eye can see. In two weeks time, all the really choice bottoms will be in the hands, so to speak, of the varsity ath-uh-letes."

"Romany Malco - Jay"

"Catherine Keener - Trish"

"Kevin Hart - Smart Tech Customer"

"Jonah Hill - Ebay Store Customer"

"Elizabeth Banks - Beth"

"Leslie Mann - Nicky"

"Shelly Malil - Haziz"

"Gerry Bednob - Mooj"

"Jane Lynch - Paula"

"Kat Dennings - Marla"

"Seth Rogen - Cal"

"Paul Rudd - David"

"You're puttin' the pussy on a pedestal."

"Steve Carell - Andy"

"The Longer You Wait The Harder It Gets"

"Better Late Than Never"

"[While Jay is arguing with a Black customer] Today's forecast: dark and cloudy, with chance of drive-by."