"Ma'am, you were just the victim of a New York City mugger. As I suspected, he was a coward and a weakling, and also wore more cologne than any man should wear."

"Kenneth Mars — Hugh Simon"

"Madeline Kahn — Eunice Burns"

"Ryan O'Neal — Dr. Howard Bannister"

"Barbra Streisand — Judy Maxwell"

"A screwball comedy. Remember them?"

"I will get to the bottom of this if it takes me the rest of my life, which may end at any minute!"

"Do you see this yellow pill? You know what it's for? It's to remind me to take this blue pill!"

"Tell them to bring straight jacket! In assorted sizes!"

"You've made me smash my Life Savers."

"I know how you feel, mister. I hate it when my igneous rocks are even touched!"

"There is no Hans. There is only me, Fritz."

"You will tell her you are smitten with her, that you had followed her all evening, and you will make passionate love to her."

"Snakes, as you know, live in mortal fear of tile."

"Don't you dare strike that brave unbalanced woman!"

"Who is that dangerously unbalanced woman?"

"This is inexcusable. You can't come in here uninvited."

"For God's sake, don't shoot me, I'm part Italian."

"The slight mistake, Mesdames and Messieurs, is in the so-called identity of these alleged colleagues. I don't know who he is, but she is definitely not herself."

"I myself have a little announcement to make, that may be of some interest. My natural curiosity was aroused, an so I did a little research on Mr. Bankister and Miss Burns, and I think--"

"I find that story as difficult to swallow as I do this potage au gelée."

"I don't begin and end with a smelter, you know."

"Sig Arno — Toto"

"Rudy Vallée — John D. Hackensacker III a.k.a. "snoodles""

"Well, you know we don't love each other anymore. We're just habits, bad habits...And when love's gone, there's nothing left but admiration and respect."

"Mary Astor — The Princess Centimillia"

"Joel McCrea — Tom Jeffers ('Capt. McGlew')"

"Claudette Colbert — Geraldine 'Gerry' Jeffers"

"You will care for me, though. I grow on people. Like moss."

"Of course, I'm crazy, I'll marry anybody."

"Look at that very handsome man. I wonder who he is. I don't think I've seen him around before. I thought I knew all the handsome men in this village."

"Hello, Snoodles, where'd you get the pretty girl?"

"Captain, we should have met sooner, and if I'd seen you around, we would have!"

"That's my wife, you dumb cluck!"

"You know Maude, somebody meeting you for the first time, not knowing you were cracked, might get the wrong impression of you."

"Tipping is un-American."

"That's one of the tragedies of this life - that the men who are most in need of a beating up are always enormous."

"Staterooms are un-American."

"No, I'm not my grandfather, of course. He's dead, anyway."

"Chivalry is not only dead, it's decomposed."

"You're not being rude, dear, you're just being yourself."

"You're married to me; that's like saying, you're blind to me. For a long time, I've been a part of you, just something to snuggle up to and keep you warm at night, like a blanket, but you can't see me any more than you can see the back of your neck."

"You have no idea what a long-legged gal can do without doing anything."

"Robert Dudley — Wienie King"

"Dewey Robinson — Fifth Member Ale and Quail Club"