"Satan: Now, that was an experience. 'You are only coming through in waves.' That line blows my mind every time. I don't care what mood you're in the start of that song. When it's finished, that mood had been altered."

"Pete: My underwear is so far up my ass, I could taste it!"

"Demon: Popeyes Chicken is the shiznit!"

"Stanley: Now, you're going to see what a big, horny bird actually looks like. In Hell!"

"Stanley: You can't go through there! The fire flows in, not out! [Cassius and Adrian go through fire gate] You really suck!"

"Basketball audience member: Now that was some straight-up David Copperfield shit!"

"Priest/Adrian: In today's gospel, the Lord tells us how we should live if we wish to attain the splendor of Heaven…or something like that. Jesus this, Moses that, Abraham hit me with a wiffle ball bat! [hums a silly tune]"

"Peeper: I think Victoria just told me her Secret."

"Hey, Nicky. Cover Winkler in bees. You can do it!"

"You can do it, Ozzy! Bite his freaking head off!"

"You can do it, Nicky! Kick him in his hairy balls!"

"Get that crap out of here!"

"Hit the half-time buzzer. I'm tired."

"Ten points off from the Globetrotters on account of the bigmouth!"

"Who gives a shit?"

"Guess what, cornrows? Technical foul! You're out of here!"

"He's walking! Get him a bus!"

"[alternate ending; noticed Nicky has a son] He has filled his seed! He's multiplying! Beware the spawn of the unholy union! We're all gonna die!"

"Holy shit, we really are going to die!["Then he accidentally walks into flames and catches fire"]"

"[after sensing Nicky's flying above the city] The hell beast is above us! And I can smell the evil slut!"

"[after sensing Nicky's presence again] Why do you taunt me with your darkness!? You're evil! It's stinking up our streets! The end is near! We are all going to die—[slams into a lightpost and falls]…We will meet again, Lucifer…"

"No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air."

"Matt Damon – Loki"

"Ben Affleck – Bartleby"

"Look out Below"

"Prepare Thyself."

"Faith is a funny thing."

"It Can Be Hell Getting Into Heaven"

"Get "touched" by an angel."

"PA Announcer: [at St. Michael's hospital] I repeat: this is not a drill. This is the Apocalypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion. Thank you. l repeat."

"So you were an artist? Big deal. Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. That's why he's the King, and you're a schmuck."

"The whole book's gender-biased. A woman's responsible for original sin. A woman cuts Samson's coif of power. A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks."

"Tell a person that you're the Metatron, and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar! May I continue uninterrupted?"

"As I was saying - prior to your firefighting episode - I am... the Metatron. [Bethany stares blankly.] Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell. [She continues staring blankly.] You people! If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?"

"(Last words) But l'm a fucking demon."

"Alanis Morissette – God"

"Janeane Garofalo – Liz"

"George Carlin – Cardinal Glick"

"Kevin Smith – Silent Bob"

"Jason Mewes – Jay"

"Salma Hayek – Serendipity"

"Jason Lee – Azrael"

"Chris Rock – Rufus, the 13th Apostle"

"Alan Rickman – Metatron"

"Linda Fiorentino – Bethany Sloane"

"Jim Carrey - Bruce Nolan"

"Tony Bennett - Himself"

"Sally Kirkland - Anita Mann"

"Mark Kiely - Fred Donohue"