Humorists From The United States

"fuck "jokes". everything i tweet is real. raw insight without the horse shit. no, i will NOT follow trolls. twitter dot com. i live for this"

"awfully bold of you to fly the Good Year blimp on a year that has been extremely bad thus far"

"blocked. blocked. blocked. youre all blocked. none of you are free of sin"

"who cares. pick up a foot ball"

"how come a baby born with a foot in its brain is considered a "Miracle Baby" but when I get my dick stuck in a drawer im just some asshole"

"Welcome to the citadel of eternal wisdom. Behold, this crystal contains the sum of all human knowledge -- Except Rap And Country"

"im little jesica. im dying because of obamas help care bill. im on my death bed and the doctor is ignoring me because my dady works hard"

"'im not owned! im not owned!!', i continue to insist as i slowly shrink and transform into a corn cob"

""jail isnt real," i assure myself as i close my eyes and ram the hallmark gift shop with my shitty bronco"

"its the weekend baby. youknow what that means. its time to drink precisely one beer and call 911"

"and another thing: im not mad. please dont put in the newspaper that i got mad."

"its fucked up how there are like 1000 christmas songs but only 1 song aboutr the boys being back in town"

"icant come to work today.. on account of JERRY DUTY *SHoves every seinfeld disk into dvd player at once*"

"how do i get cowboy paint off a dog ."

"THE COP GROWLS "TAKE OFF TH OSE JEANS, CITIZEN." I COMPLY, REVEALING THE FULL LENGTH DENIM TATTOOS ON BOTH LEGS. THE COP SCREAMS; DEFEATED"

"is it true that if 3 adult men are jacking off in a bunk bed their hand movements will eventually Synchronize ?"

"koko the talking ape.. has been living high on the hog, wasting our tax dollars on high capacity diapers. No more. i will suplex that beast,"

"Politic's is back baby. It's good again. Awoouu (wolf Howl)"

"" You know Gru been Fucking those minions " No , i don't know that. But thanks for showing your ignorance."

"it is with a heavy heart that i must announce that the celebs are at it again"

"now that elon has disposed of the left wing woke brigade I can finally post pictures of my COCK!!!"

"just clicking my mouse a bit. having a look at my files"

"ripleys suck my dick or not"

"you call this shit rotisserie chicken? I bet this shit hasnt even rotated 1 time in its entire life."

"no heaven or hell when you die, everyone is just herded into a room with a big scoreboard saying which person blasted the most Cum"

"ive generated over 100,000 wordles in my head and completed them easily. what more can i say of it"

"(suddenly becoming very somber) no Woman should have to pay over $10 for a Brassiere."

"you just paid $8 to eat my ass stupid #BlockTheBlue"

"everyone less mentally ill than me is Privileged, everyone more mentally ill than me is Toxic, everyone equally mentally ill to me is Cool"

"should i learn Letters first? or choose the path of Numbers? a queston every baby must ask it self"

"marijuana did columbine"

"my biggest fear is that theres an earth quake while im jacking off and little pieces of cum start flyiyng into my mouth and all over my dog"

"how about instead of drop the ball on new years we drop the damn gas prices for onve"

"I am Donald "Penis" Trump, known & hated for my Inflammatory rhetoric, as well as my old mafia-style Racism. Looking forward to posting here"

"i really dont care what Yankee Doodle did when he went to town. His toxic fanbase tells me everything I need to know about him ."

"Bad news folks! i waited in line for 16 hours to see the queen. But by the time i got there she was fuckin DEAD!!!!!!"

"thinking about a "Cock Ring" for the neck that strangles all the blood into your brain and gives you what is essentially a mental erection"

"i would rather go fuck my self than read one more post on the bird websitw"

"(hearing about a guy who died) wow thats like 0.0003 9/11s"

"for like 8 months i thought covid was one of those joke diseases where you ask "what's covid" and the other guy tells tou to suck his nuts"

"if you ask me many of Americans have been wearing the mask even before from covid 19. the mask i refer to is of course the clown's mask."

"guys who get off on being humiliated used to expose themselves at the grocery store or something. now they pretend to be journalists on here"

"one thing the gamer world is certainly agreeing of, is that halo infinite is sure to be the highest numbered halo game yet"

"society is so much fucking Bitched ....."

"epic ; supreme court rules nabisco is legally allowed to label their products as "Homemade" after forcing the employees to live at the factory"

"Having a bad one; First my Lockheed Martin investment tanks after the ceo posts his penis. Now Cold stone Creamery just called me the N-Word"

"HELP ELON!!ELON!! HELP! HELP! POST "DOG COIN""

"born to be bull shit"

"turning a big dial taht says "Racism" on it and constantly looking back at the audience for approval like a contestant on the price is right"

"people come up to me and say, "I will never use the bathroom. I will never shit" and i gotta tell them pal, sooner or later youre gonna shit"