"Twitter, as I understand it, is a sort of "Hell" that I was banished to upon death in my previous life. In this abstract realm, the only thing I am certain of is that my cries are awarded "Favs" or "RTs" when they are particularly miserable or profane. These ethereal merits do nothing to ease my suffering, but I have deliriously convinced myself that gathering enough of them will impress my unseen superiors and grant me a promotion to a higher plane of existence. This is my sole motivation."

"every generation deserves at least 5 movies named "Spider Man 2""

"the numa numa man just bougt a $70million house and im here at the library trying to photocopy a fruit roll up"

"guys who get off on being humiliated used to expose themselves at the grocery store or something. now they pretend to be journalists on here"

"if you ask me many of Americans have been wearing the mask even before from covid 19. the mask i refer to is of course the clown's mask."

"for like 8 months i thought covid was one of those joke diseases where you ask "what's covid" and the other guy tells tou to suck his nuts"

"the jduge orders me to take off my anonymous v mask & im wearing the joker makeup underneath it. everyone in the courtroom groans at my shit"

"koko the talking ape.. has been living high on the hog, wasting our tax dollars on high capacity diapers. No more. i will suplex that beast,"

"it is absolutely a full time job, dealing with this Shit. i'm talking True full time, 24 hours. Listening to the perverts scream at me in the instant dm box while I'm trying to cobble together a coherent post. Standing on thje median strip at a busy intersection, next to the guy with a 20% off mattress sign, failing to shill copies of my Horrible book. Waking up screaming from Night terrors involving complete strangers accusing me of "Selling OUt." There is no clocking out. The clock is a part of me, it's always inside of me, and I'm fucked."

"its the weekend baby. youknow what that means. its time to drink precisely one beer and call 911"

"Food $200 Data $150 Rent $800 Candles $3,600 Utility $150 someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying"

"it is with a heavy heart that i must announce that the celebs are at it again"

"oh nothin, i was just buying some ear medication for my sick uncle... *LOWERS SHADES TO LOOK YOU DEAD IN THE EYE* who's a Model by the way,"

"the wise man bowed his head solemnly and spoke: "theres actually zero difference between good & bad things. you imbecile. you fucking moron""

""This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gender," i holler as i overturn my uncle's barbeque grill and turn the 4th of July into the 4th of Shit"

"blocked. blocked. blocked. youre all blocked. none of you are free of sin"

"its fucked up how there are like 1000 christmas songs but only 1 song aboutr the boys being back in town"

"no heaven or hell when you die, everyone is just herded into a room with a big scoreboard saying which person blasted the most Cum"

"my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl"

"here's a list of touhou girls i want to have as a Mom someday & here is a copy of that list in case you accidentally throw it in the gabarge"

"if your grave doesnt say "rest in peace" on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war"

"big bird was obviously just a man in a suit. but the other ones were too small to contain men. so what the fuck"

"awfully bold of you to fly the Good Year blimp on a year that has been extremely bad thus far"

"many claim to have seen me walking around the Las Vegas strip with a Device attached to my penis. This is untrue #NoDevice"

"Having a bad one; First my Lockheed Martin investment tanks after the ceo posts his penis. Now Cold stone Creamery just called me the N-Word"

"and another thing: im not mad. please dont put in the newspaper that i got mad."

"drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,"

"[man leans into doorway of WTC bathroom] "Hey, you gotta finish up in there. 9/11 is happening." "Alright. Just a sec.""

"joke's on you; i actually love being body slammed by one dozen perfect wrestlers. and my mouth isn't filled with bloodm, it's victory wine"

"THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset. ME: I agree"

"epic ; supreme court rules nabisco is legally allowed to label their products as "Homemade" after forcing the employees to live at the factory"

"one thing the gamer world is certainly agreeing of, is that halo infinite is sure to be the highest numbered halo game yet"

"i would rather go fuck my self than read one more post on the bird websitw"

"thinking about a "Cock Ring" for the neck that strangles all the blood into your brain and gives you what is essentially a mental erection"

"everyone less mentally ill than me is Privileged, everyone more mentally ill than me is Toxic, everyone equally mentally ill to me is Cool"

"society is so much fucking Bitched ....."

"" You know Gru been Fucking those minions " No , i don't know that. But thanks for showing your ignorance."

"born to be bull shit"

"if you drop a chicken cutlet on the floor it absorbs all kinds of dirt & particles that make it undesirable. Thats sort of how AI works"

"HELP ELON!!ELON!! HELP! HELP! POST "DOG COIN""

"CHIEF: dracula is in our sights. Take the shot! SNIPER: I can't, Sir. I'm Woke! ME (watching through binoculars): He's woke! He wont do it!"

"you just paid $8 to eat my ass stupid #BlockTheBlue"

"just clicking my mouse a bit. having a look at my files"

"I am Donald "Penis" Trump, known & hated for my Inflammatory rhetoric, as well as my old mafia-style Racism. Looking forward to posting here"

"i really dont care what Yankee Doodle did when he went to town. His toxic fanbase tells me everything I need to know about him ."

"you call this shit rotisserie chicken? I bet this shit hasnt even rotated 1 time in its entire life."

"my biggest fear is that theres an earth quake while im jacking off and little pieces of cum start flyiyng into my mouth and all over my dog"

"(suddenly becoming very somber) no Woman should have to pay over $10 for a Brassiere."

"Bad news folks! i waited in line for 16 hours to see the queen. But by the time i got there she was fuckin DEAD!!!!!!"

"theres a popular nursery rhyme in which the singer claims to be a teapot. this, for many children, is their first experience with "Trolling""