"I mean, LA is a city where everyone dances with one eye on the door, like we're all waiting for something better to walk in. But would we ever recognise it if we did? It might be nice to stop circling. it might be nice to stop equating sex with a handshake. It might be nice to have it mean something."

"Dammit, what's wrong with you? You want revelations engraved in gold and angels trumpeting down from heaven. But what if this is it instead? Me telling you I love you, right here, in the snow? I think that's pretty miraculous."

"Ok asshole, the way I see it you've got a big mouth and only one arm to back it up. So's how's it gonna look when a big flamer kicks the shit out of you?"

"Maybe you could try and reach down in your Bible geek soul and be cool for just two seconds?"

"How come if God talks to Joseph Smith, he's a prophet, but if God talks to me I'm schizophrenic?"

"I don't like to brag, but I can suck the engine block through the tailpipe of a '58 Chevy."

"Michael McKean - Stefan Vanderhoof"

"Christopher Guest - Harlan Pepper"

"Sherri Ann Cabot: Leslie and I have an amazing relationship and it's very physical, he still pushes all my buttons. People say 'oh but he's so much older than you' and you know what, I'm the one having to push him away. We have so much in common, we both love soup and snow peas, we love the outdoors, and talking and not talking. We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about."

"Scott Donlan: She looks like a cocktail waitress on an oil rig."

"And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten."

"Now tell me, which one of these dogs would you want to have as your wide receiver on your football team?"

"Fred Willard - Buck Laughlin"

"Scott Donlan: Bratwurst and shillelaghs... paging Dr. Freud."

"Christy Cummings: We started this magazine, "American Bitch". It's a focus on the issues of the lesbian pure bred dog owner."

"Ed Begley Jr. - Mark Schaefer, Hotel Manager"

"Jim Piddock - Trevor Beckwith, the Commentator"

"Stefan Vanderhoof: If you're ever buying a shampoo sink go right to the Dutch. The French know nothing about shampooing."

"Bob Balaban - Dr. Theodore W. Millbank III"

"Jane Lynch - Christy Cummings"

"Jennifer Coolidge - Sherri Ann Ward Cabot"

"Patrick Cranshaw - Leslie Ward Cabot"

"Larry Miller - Max Berman"

"Linda Kash - Fay Berman"

"Michael Hitchcock - Hamilton Swan"

"Parker Posey - Meg Swan"

"Jay Brazeau - Dr. Chuck Nelken"

"Eugene Levy - Gerald 'Gerry' Fleck"

"Catherine O'Hara - Cookie Guggelman Fleck"

"John Michael Higgins - Scott Donlan"

"Herakles did it by himself. Did you conquer Asia by yourself, Alexander? I mean, who planned the Asian invasion while you were being spanked on your bottom by my sister Lanike? Was it not your father? Or is his blood no longer good enough?"

"I'll toast to Bagoas. And the 30,000 beautiful Persian boys were training to fight in this great army. And to memory of Phillip, had he lived to see his Macedonians transformed into such a pretty army."

"Pay attention lad, your father's still watching over you!"

"By Ares chains he's got balls. I mean give the man his due, Parmenion. And lads, feast tonight for tomorrow we will dine in Hades."

"I'll marry the girl if I want and I'll have as many sons as I want and there's nothing you or your harpie mother can do about it!"

"There's only one thing better than winning a battle, son, and that's the taste of a new woman! You'll find it far sweeter than self pity."

"None will tell you this but your father: Men hate the gods! The only reason we worship any of them is because we fear worse. The Titans."

"All greatness comes from loss. Even you the gods will one day judge harshly."

"(enraged at Alexander) Get out of my palace! You're exiled, you bastard! Banished from the land. You're not welcome here! You're no son of mine!"

"All your life, beware of women. They are far more dangerous than men."

"You dream of glory Alexander. Your mother encourages you. But there's no glory without suffering and this she will not allow."

"It was a Iron Age. Blood-feuds. Fathers feared their son's treachery and would eat them."

"A king isn't born, Alexander, he is made. By steel and by suffering. A king must know how to hurt those he loves. It's lonely. Ask Heracles. Ask any of them. Fate is cruel. No man or woman can be too powerful or too beautiful without disaster befalling. They laugh when you rise too high and crush everything you've built with a whim. What glory they give in the end, they take away. They... They make of us slaves."

"Ahhh! He's got some Titan in him yet!"

"A broken neck comes free, you fool!"

"(of Bucephalus) Who would want such a beast? I already have a wife!"

"Damn your sorceress soul! Keeping me like one of your snakes! I told you not! I told you not!"

"Cleitus spoke true. I am a tyrant."