"I'm always worried maybe people aren't going to like me when I go to a party. Isn't that crazy? Do you ever get a kind of a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you dread things? Gee, I wouldn't want to miss a party for anything, but, every time I go to one, I keep feeling like the whole world's against me."

"I HATE Ralph Garci! I must remember this feeling and use it in my acting!"

"Bob Newhart - Tom Halliwell"

"Class: so, uh, where were we? Romantic poetry. Shakespeare. Talented. English. Dead."

"This is my Peter - uh, my friend Peter. We just met at the, uh, intersexual... homosection... INTERSECTION!"

"I just came out! At my wedding!"

"I need a heterosexual male, CODE RED!"

"[Yelling outside the bar after Howard won't marry her because he is gay and after Peter Malloy turns down her advances because he is also gay] Is everybody gay? Is this The Twilight Zone?"

"Excuse me, are we a little teapot?"

"For God's sake, don't shake that booty!"

"Think of John Wayne, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold doesn't dance, he can hardly walk."

"Truly manly men do NOT dance."

"Well, how did you do... prissy boy?"

"Glenn Close: [at the Academy Awards] This is Cameron's first nomination and he's in extremely good company. Tonight he joins fellow best actor nominee Paul Newman for "Coot", Clint Eastwood for "Codger", Michael Douglas for "Primary Urges" and Steven Seagal for "Snowball in Hell"."

"Cameron: Maybe I should thank someone else. Someone who's really been there, someone who taught me a lot, about poetry and Shakespeare, and just, y'know, stayin' awake, man. Someone who's just an overall great guy, a great teacher... to Howard Brackett from Greenleaf, Indiana! And he's gay. Y'know, I've been thinking alot about this night, and I've decided to dedicate this whole night to a great, gay teacher. Mr. Brackett, WE WON!"

"Frank Brackett: [about Cameron] He used to mow our lawn. Never again."

"Peter Malloy: A teacher in trouble. A town under siege. A journey to the heartland. Stay tuned."

"Berniece: I need that wedding. I need some beauty and some music and some placecards before I die. It's like heroin."

"Reporter: Should gays be allowed to handle fresh produce?"

"Sonja: I don't have time. I promised to do that photo shoot this afternoon. I have to shower and vomit!"

"Ava Blazer: [after one of the girls announces that she's gay] You can't be gay! You're a tramp!"

"Kevin Kline - Howard Brackett"

"Joan Cusack - Emily Montgomery"

"Tom Selleck - Peter Malloy"

"Matt Dillon - Cameron Drake"

"Debbie Reynolds - Berniece Brackett"

"Wilford Brimley - Frank Brackett"

"Gregory Jbara - Walter Brackett"

"Shalom Harlow - Sonya"

"Shawn Hatosy - Jack"

"Zak Orth - Mike"

"Lauren Ambrose - Vicky"

"Alexandra Holden - Meredith"

"Aaron prays, Christian plays. Opposites attract."

"Khary Payton — Andrew"

"Joseph Gordon-Levitt — Elder Paul Rider"

"Rebekah Johnson — Julie Taylor"

"Wes Ramsey — Christian Markelli"

"Steve Sandvoss — Elder Aaron Davis"

"[On Mormons] Oh, honey, you do not want to let them get into your psyche. You start off listening to Amy Grant, but then, before you know, it's 3am and you got your Visa card and you're giving it to that scary bitch on TV with the lavender hair."

"Fuck you, I'm Donna Reed on a stick."

"Sometimes it all still feels like a mass of dots. But more and more these days, I feel like we're all connected. And it's beautiful... and funny... and good."

"[confronting his mother] What if it's not something I've done? What if it's who I am?"

"[after having sex with Christian] Well, I'm already going to Hell for kissing you, so I may as well take the scenic route."

"We're colours and whites - we don't mix."

"When I was a little kid, I use to put my face right up to them, you know, um, and I was just amazed because it was just this mass of dots, I think life is like that sometimes. But I like to think that, from God's perspective, life, everything - even this... it makes sense. It's not just dots. And instead we're all connected, and it's beautiful and it's funny and it's good. From this close we, we can't expect it to make sense, right now."

"I can't believe what I was about to do, when there is nothing, Christian, nothing about you that is not skin-deep."

"Look at yourself. You're so pretty and colorful on the outside, but inside you're nothing but fluff. You're like a walking, talking marshmallow Peep!"