"I spent half my life fighting a shameful war. Now get out of here before you give me any more regrets. Just remember the coordinates, okay? You got to save them without me."

"Without us, you're only human."

"You are just one victim of the Skrull expansion that has threatened our civilization for centuries. Impostors who silently infiltrate, then take over our planets. Horrors that you remember, and so much that you do not."

"Bob Hope - Wally Campbell"

"[on the deceased] He was so crooked that when he died they had to screw him into the ground."

"A CHILL-AND-CHUCKLE CHASE!...A FORTUNE AT STAKE AND A MONSTER AT LARGE!"

"Who is THE CAT? His movements soundless, his approach unnoticeable, his vengeance swift! Who will feel his horrible, hairy grasp next?"

"Through it all...Bob Hope at his wise-cracking best, laughing his way through hilarious heroics...hoping a gag's as good as a gun to get ghosts on the go!"

"Stalked by a wild, crawling thing...balked by a blind passage! Groping, desperately hoping for a way out!"

"Paulette Goddard - Joyce Norman"

"John Beal - Fred Blythe"

"Douglass Montgomery - Charles Wilder"

"Gale Sondergaard - Miss Lu"

"Elizabeth Patterson - Aunt Susan"

"George Zucco - Mr. Crosby"

"Nydia Westman - Cicily"

"John Wray - Guard Hendricks"

"George Regas - Indian guide"

"Milton Kibbee - Photographer"

"Charles Lane - Reporter"

"Chief Thundercloud - Indian guide"

"(narrating) All I needed now was a computer. And a ten year old kid to teach me how to use it."

"Announcer: Let's welcome our guest healer Mr. Claude Henry Smoot."

"KKK Leader: Folks ain't home. Cross won't burn. Hell, it ain't like it used to be."

"Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee Schwartz."

"(narrating) I never liked guns, especially when they're pointed at me."

"(narrating) Over the years, I found Mr. Underhill's credit card to be a useful tool, much like Underhill himself."

"(narrating) When I got back, there was a cozy fire in the fireplace...and on the roof, and on the porch. It was great."

"(narrating) The morgue proved to be a dead end. But I guess it is for most people."

"You shouldn't wear so much eye shadow. It makes you look cheap."

"These walls are deplaning at an alarming rate!"

"Scum! Scum! Scum! Go back to where you're from!"

"I've been foolishly squandering my salary on food and heat."

"They multiply by masturbation."

"I believe Louisiana is the Pelican State."

""I was on my gazebo, on the roof, making some repairs, and I was struck by lightning...and I've had migraine headaches and blurred vision ever since then but praise the Lord that was my lucky day because ever since then, I've had the healing power. Amen, God bless you. Thank you very much. Good night. Yes? What happened? Yes?"

"What can I do to y- for you?"

"I borrowed your toothbrush. I would have used your razor but it looks like you've been doing some gardening with it."

"(narrating) Figuring out that the guy who dropped my watch in the swamp was the same guy who stole it at the morgue didn't take Sherlock Holmes... Larry Holmes could've figured that one out."

"(narrating) The Reverend Farnsworth was Becky's father, but I wasn't going to hold that against her. If I was going to hold anything against her, it wouldn't be her father."

"It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. I am NOT a big man."

"Becky was a good girl and didn't need to be spanked... dammit."