"(narrating) All I needed now was a computer. And a ten year old kid to teach me how to use it."

"Becky was a good girl and didn't need to be spanked... dammit."

"It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. I am NOT a big man."

"(narrating) The Reverend Farnsworth was Becky's father, but I wasn't going to hold that against her. If I was going t…"

"(narrating) Figuring out that the guy who dropped my watch in the swamp was the same guy who stole it at the morgue d…"

"I borrowed your toothbrush. I would have used your razor but it looks like you've been doing some gardening with it."

"What can I do to y- for you?"

""I was on my gazebo, on the roof, making some repairs, and I was struck by lightning...and I've had migraine headache…"

"I believe Louisiana is the Pelican State."

"They multiply by masturbation."