"[narrating] Nice Greek girls who don't find a husband work in the family restaurant. So here I am, day after day, year after year, thirty and way past my expiration date."

"[narrating] My dad believed in two things: That Greeks should educate non-Greeks about being Greek and that any ailment from psoriasis to poison ivy could be cured with Windex."

"[narrating] In Greek school, where I learned valuable lessons such as: "If Nick has one goat and Maria has nine, how soon will they marry?""

"[narrating] When I was growing up, I knew I was different. The other girls were blonde and delicate. And I was a swarthy six-year-old with sideburns."

"[After Nick accidentally hears his name called] No, my Nikki. She was supposed to come over and curl my hair."

"[To Gus and Maria] Woe to me, business is bad."

"[Telling Ian's Family] Look, this is what we do. The parents, they give a gift."

"[Watching Ian dance at the reception] Oh, Taki... he looks Greek."

"Toula. Toula! You're engaged! You're engaged-We never think this would happen for you-Never! Never. Taki, didn't we say that..?"

"[to Ian's parents] Now, you are family. Okay. All my life, I had a lump at the back of my neck, right here. Always, a lump. Then I started menopause and the lump got bigger from the "hormonees." It started to grow. So I go to the doctor, and he did the bio... the b... the... the bios... the... b... the "bobopsy." Inside the lump he found teeth and a spinal column. Yes. Inside the lump was my twin. [Ian's parents are horrified. Voula grabs a drink and toasts.] Opa!!"

"[upon learning Ian is a vegetarian] What do you mean, he don't eat no meat? [The entire room stops, in shock. We hear plates break and there are gasps.] ...That's okay, that's okay. I make lamb."

"Tell me what to say. But don't tell me what to say."

"Elaine Bromka - Cindy Russell"

"Jay Underwood - Bug"

"Laurie Metcalf - Marcie Dahlgren-Frost"

"Garrett M. Brown - Bob Russell"

"Amy Madigan - Chanice Kobolowski"

"Macaulay Culkin - Miles Russell"

"Gaby Hoffmann - Maizy Russell"

"Jean Louisa Kelly - Tia Russell"

"John Candy - Buck Russell"

"E. Roger Cogswell: [to Buck] You gotta let somebody know where you are. I've been checking car trunks for your corpse."

"Marcie Dahlgren-Frost: Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. Dahlgren is my maiden name, Frost is my married name. I'm single again, but I never bothered to remove the frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen."

"Hey, Mom. Next time you take off in the middle of the night, why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house?"

"[to her mother] If my whole family moved away from me, I'd have a heart attack too."

"[They're eating Chinese take-out] This is such a wonderful dinner, Mother. How DO you find the time?"

"[to Maizy's principal] I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam."

"[struggling to open the washing machine] Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on! Open up for daddy! I'm gonna shove a load into you! Here we go! Come on, it's nice and easy. Aaah! Come on, here we go! Ah! Take that! Take that! Come on! You don't want the crowbar, do you? Come on! OPEN UP! UUGGHH! I'm gonna shove my load into you whether you like it or not!"

"[serving gigantic pancakes to Miles for his birthday] You should see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door!"

"[Imitating a radio DJ while making breakfast] It’s 7:02 in the a.m., you’re listening to “W-I-don’t-have-to-go-to-work-today” brought to you by Kobolowski Tires. For the best in tires see Chanice! Kobolowski."

"[On the way to his brother's] Oh boy, those kids. I haven't seen those kids in a while. Tia's gotta be nine. Nine, maybe ten. Oh boy. And the two new ones. They're uh... Larry and... uh... Larry and, uh... Uh... Betsy. Betsy, uh... Jennifer. Jennifer. Larry and Jennifer. Nice kids."

"Terry Kinney - Roy Johnson"

"Fredro Starr - Malakai"

"Kerry Washington - Chenille Reynolds"

"Sean Patrick Thomas - Derek Reynolds"

"Julia Stiles - Sara Johnson"

"You can't help who you love, Derek, you're not supposed to."

"Too many little boys thinkin' they are thugs."

"They call him Snooky because Fool was taken."

"Let's put some S-E-X in those H-I-Ps!"

"Ain't nobody watchin' you but me."

"You can do it. Sara, you were born to do it."

"[to her dad] It's not that I hate you, it's just that I miss her."

"We spend more time defending our relationship than actually having one."

"You know what? Derek and I like each other and if you have a problem with that, then screw you."

"You know Snook, you talk a lot of shit for someone who never says anything."

"Elisabeth Oas - Diggy"

"Garland Whitt - Kenny"