"Now you want me to talk...Oh ain't that funny. You wouldn't listen to me before. Not even for a minute. And now you want me to talk...What do ya want to know for? So you can write some more lies, so you can sell some more papers. I'll give you a wonderful story - only this time it'll be true!"

"[to a group of newspapermen] I came to tell ya what I think of ya, all of ya...You crumbs have been makin' a fool out of me long enough. I never said I loved Earl Williams and was willing to marry him on the gallows. You made that up, and about my being a soul-mate and having a love-nest with him...I met Mr. Williams just once in my life when he was wandering around in the rain without his hat and coat on like a sick dog the day before the shooting. I went up to him like any human being would and I asked him what was the matter. And - and he told me about being fired after being on the same job for fourteen years. And I brought him up to my room because it was warm there...Aw listen to me, please. I tell ya, he just sat there talking to me all night. He never once laid a hand on me. And - and in the morning, he went away. And I never saw him again till that day of the trial. Sure I was his witness!...That's why you're persecuting me, because Earl Williams treated me decent and not like an animal, and I said so!...It's a wonder a bolt of lightning don't come down and strike you all dead! A poor little fella that never meant nobody no harm. Sitting there this minute with the Angel of Death beside him, and you cracking jokes!"

"[To Hildy] I don't know what they're gonna think up there in Albany. They had to send the money to the police station...Where's mother? She said she was coming up here...Where'd she go?...Hildy! Tell me where my mother was going?...Did she get the money from you?...I'll take that money, Hildy...I've decided I can handle things around here and I'll take that certified check too...This is my wallet. Say, there's something funny going on. [To Walter] Hey, what are you doing?...[To Hildy] Hildy, I'm taking the nine o'clock train...Hildy, I just want you to answer me one question - you don't want to come with me...answer me, Hildy, you don't, do you?...Hildy, tell me, please tell me the truth. If you ever loved me, Hildy -? [To Walter] You're doing all this to her, I know that. She wanted to get away from you and everything you stand for, but you were too smart. You caught her and changed her mind...[To Hildy] Come on, Hildy, you're coming with me right now...I see, I'll keep. I'm like something in the icebox, aren't I?...You just don't love me...The point is that you never intended to be decent and live like a human being...I see what you are now. You're just like him and all the rest...I understand all right, I understand...Oh Hildy, I don't think you ever loved me at all..."

"Tell me. Is the Lord of the Universe in?"

"[on the phone to Hildy] I was sitting right in the taxi where you left me and the young lady seemed to have a dizzy spell and I just...Yes, she's a blonde. Yes, very blonde."

"[on the phone] Well Butch, where are you?...Well, what are you doing there? Haven't you even started?...Listen, it's a matter of life and death!...Well, you can't stop for a dame now! I don't care if you've been after her for six years. Butch - our whole lives are at stake! Are you going to let a woman come between us after all we've been through?...Butch, I'd put my arm in fire for you, up to here. Now you can't double-cross me...Put her on, I'll talk to her. Oh, good evening madam. Now listen, you ten-cent glamour girl. You can't keep Butch away from his duty!"

"No, no, never mind the Chinese earthquake for heaven's sake...Look, I don't care if there's a million dead...No, no, junk the Polish Corridor...Take all those Miss America pictures off Page Six...Take Hitler and stick him on the funny page...No, no, leave the rooster story alone - that's human interest."

"[to Bruce] You're getting a great little girl for yourself...You're getting something else too, Bruce, you're getting a great newspaperman ... One of the best I ever knew. Sorry to see her go. Darn sorry, Hildy."

"I wish you hadn't done that, Hildy...Divorce me. Makes a fellow lose all faith in himself...Almost gives him a feeling he wasn't wanted."

"Tell him if he'll reprieve Earl Williams, we'll support him for senator. Tell him the Morning Post will be behind him hook, line, and sinker."

"[to Walter] How you have messed up my life. What am I going to do?...I could be on that train right now. What a sap I am falling for your line: "They're gonna name streets after me." Johnson Street!"

"All right, now here's your story. The jailbreak of your dreams. It seems that expert Dr. Egelhoffer, the profound thinker from New York, was giving Williams a final sanity test in the Sheriff's office - you know, sticking a lot of pins in him so that he could get his reflexes. Well, he decided to re-enact the crime exactly as it had taken place, in order to study Williams' powers of co-ordination...Of course, he had to have a gun to re-enact the crime with. And who do you suppose supplied it? Peter B. Hartwell, "B" for brains...Well, the Sheriff gave his gun to the Professor and the Professor gave it to Earl, and Earl shot the Professor right in the classified ads...No, ads. Ain't it perfect? If the Sheriff had unrolled a red carpet and loaned Williams an umbrella, it couldn't have been more ideal...Egelhoffer wasn't badly hurt. They took him to the County Hospital..."

"Next time you see me, I should be riding in a Rolls Royce giving interviews on success...So long you wage-slaves...When you're crawling up fire escapes and getting kicked out of front doors, and eating Christmas dinners in one-armed joints, don't forget your pal, Hildy Johnson!..And when the road beyond unfolds..."

"[on the phone to Walter] Now get this, you double-crossing chimpanzee! There ain't gonna be any interview and there ain't gonna be any story. And that certified check of yours is leaving with me in twenty minutes. I wouldn't cover the burning of Rome for you if they were just lighting it up. And if I ever lay my two eyes on you again, I'm gonna walk right up to you and hammer on that monkey skull of yours 'til it rings like a Chinese gong! [she tears up her story] Do you hear that? That's the story I just wrote. Yes, yes, I know we had a bargain. I just said I'd write it. I didn't say I wouldn't tear it up. It's all in little pieces now, Walter, and I hope to do the same for you some day. [to newsroom] And that my friends, is my farewell to the newspaper game. I'm gonna be a woman, not a news-getting machine. I'm gonna have babies and take care of them. Give 'em cod liver oil and watch their teeth grow."

"[in her story] And so, into this little tortured mind came the idea that that gun had been produced for use. And use it he did. But the state has a 'production-for-use' plan too. It has a gallows. And at seven a.m. unless a miracle occurs, that gallows will be used to separate the soul of Earl Williams from his body. And out of Mollie Malloy's life will go the one kindly soul she ever knew."

"Richard Kind - Jury Foreman"

"Mel Brooks - Hilda the Pigeon, Tom the Cat"

"Jim Borstelmann - Scott the Choreographer, Donald Dinsmore/Little Old Lady"

"Jon Lovitz - Mr. Marks"

"Andrea Martin - Kiss Me-Feel Me"

"Debra Monk - Lick Me-Bite Me"

"David Huddleston - Judge"

"Eileen Essell - Hold Me-Touch Me"

"Michael McKean - Prison Trustee"

"Roger Bart - Carmen Ghia"

"Gary Beach - Roger De Bris"

"Will Ferrell - Franz Liebkind"

"Uma Thurman - Ulla"

"Matthew Broderick - Leo Bloom"

"Nathan Lane - Max Bialystock"

"Stormtrooper "Rolf": I was born in Düsseldorf, and that is why they call me Rolf."

"Mr. Marks: Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?"

"Stormtrooper "Mel": Don't be stupid, be a smartie. Come and join the Nazi Party."

"Sing Sing Prison Guard: Gentlemen, you are hereby granted a full pardon for having - through song and dance - brought joy and laughter into the hearts of every murderer, rapist, and sex maniac in Sing Sing! You're free!"

"Brazilian Samba Performer: [Sung] You'll find your happiness in Rio! The beaches there are strewn with pearls! The latin breezes always blow there! And so, we hear, do the girls!"

"Ulla wake up at five A.M. every day. From five to seven, Ulla like to exercise. From seven to eight, Ulla like to take long shower. From eight to nine, Ulla like to have big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla like to practice her singing and her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. ... What time should I get here? (Max and Leo respond synchronicity - "Eleven")"

"Why Bloom go so far camera right?"

"Secretary-slash-receptionist? Okie-slash-dokie!"

"[sung] Violinists love to play an E-string, but audiences really love a G-string!"

"Yes darling... Roger."

"If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart...Bullseye!"

"Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger Debris, in an elegant eastside townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Who may I say is calling? [Got angry] Listen, you broken down old queen, he was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky, don't ever call here again! [Roger in other room] Who was that!? Wrong number!"

"[When he answers the door] Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssss...ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss? Max: I- Carmen Ghia: Ssssssss?"

"May I take your hats, your coats, and your Swastikas?"

"Roger, We're not alone..."

"And so the rule is, when mounting a... play. Keep it sunny, keep it funny, keep it gay."

"Carmen,call in a singing Hitler,please."

"I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building!"

"[sung] I'm the German Ethel Merman don't cha know?!"

"[singing] I see a line of beautiful girls dressed as stormtroopers each one a gem. With leather boots and whips on their hips. It's risque, dare I say, S&M! I see German soldiers dancing through France played by chorus boys in very tight pants. And wait there's more! THEY WIN THE WAR! And the dances they do will be daring and new. Turn turn kick turn, turn turn kick turn, one two three kick turn! Keep it sassy, keep it classy, keep it gay."