"I'm not very bright, I guess...just dumb. If I had any brains, I wouldn't be on this crummy train with this crummy girls' band...I used to sing with male bands but I can't afford it anymore...That's what I'm running away from. I worked with six different ones in the last two years. Oh, brother!...I can't trust myself. I have this thing about saxophone players, especially tenor sax...I don't know what it is, they just curdle me. All they have to do is play eight bars of 'Come to Me, My Melancholy Baby' and my spine turns to custard. I get goose pimply all over and I come to 'em...every time... That's why I joined this band. Safety first. Anything to get away from those bums...You don't know what they're like. You fall for 'em and you really love 'em - you think this is gonna be the biggest thing since the Graf Zeppelin - and the next thing you know, they're borrowing money from you and spending it on other dames and betting on horses...Then one morning you wake up, the guy is gone, the saxophone's gone, all that's left behind is a pair of old socks and a tube of toothpaste, all squeezed out. So you pull yourself together. You go on to the next job, the next saxophone player. It's the same thing all over again. You see what I mean? Not very bright...I can tell you one thing - it's not gonna happen to me again - ever. I'm tired of getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop."

"Internal combustion, the ultimate accessory."

"[to Noxeema & Chi-Chi] Here is where they asked young Miss Vida to stop imitating Esther Williams in Million Dollar Mermaid, thus marring the Methodist annual picnic."

"What fresh hell is this?"

"Oh look, it's a little Latin boy in drag, the little Latin boy in drag is crying! Noxy, ask the little Latin boy in drag why he is crying."

"I want you to believe in yourself, imagine good things, and moisturize."

"[In male voice] Get your hand off my DICK, buddy!"

"That's possibly-dead Sheriff Dullard!"

"Operation Decorator Storm..."

"Now she's going to get herself kidnapped by some mountain man and we will have to go rescue her!"

"I think today is a ‘Say Something’ Hat Day!"

"We are three young career girls..."

"What in gay hell?"

"[when asked “How do I look?” by Chi-Chi] Like the Miami Sound Machine just exploded all over you."

"Little Latin boy in drag, why are you crying?"

"Get in the car, Perras, I got us a ride to "Spidersville"..."

"I'm the Latina Marilyn Monroe. I've got more legs than a bucket of chicken!"

"Lord grant me the serenity to accept that I'm just a boy in a dress and the courage to change with the fashions and the wisdom to know the difference."

"Uptight cellulite dinosaur fossil face white honky cracker witch!"

"I love roughnecks; tell me, if I was your bread would you be my butter?"

"Vida, you know, you're not a queen because you rule people, or you sit on a throne, baby. You're a queen because you couldn't cut it as a man so you had to put on a dress, that's why."

"I didn’t ask to come on this trip, did I? No, I don't think so! Did I ask for you to be making me over, jump through all kinds of hoops like some kind of circus poodle? No, I don't think so! And do I want to go to jail because of some cop killer? No, I don't think so! So as soon as we get to the next town, I'm jumping on the first man and I'm riding him all the way to New York City and away from you two puckered up stuck up putas because this trip sucks! It sucks!"

"[When Noxeema asks “Why do I feel like I'm in the Tournament of Roses Parade?”] Cause you're as big as a float."

"I'm a princess! P to the R to the IN to the CESS!"

"We were so poor my parents married for the rice."

"The seats are like butter!"

"[to Clara] Miss Vida seems to think that I don't have a dream. Well, honey, I'm not Martin Luther King. I don't need a dream. I have a plan. You know I'm gonna tell you what it is, because instinctively I knew I could trust you, being as you're not a big talker and everything. My plan is that while in Hollywood I will be approached by an imminent producer, at The Ivy no doubt, to star in the lush film version of the Life of Ms. Dorothy Dandridge. Yes that noble blacktress, who never played domestic help. And then who's career was crushed by the white Hollywood machine."

"[to Vida] Go on Vida and talk to him, you speak honky!"

"Do you like my nails?"

"Noxeema Jackson.....Jesse's daughter."

"[when passing by a large Old Southern plantation style mansion] There will be a barbecue at Twelve Oaks tonight..."

"If you want to let them know that there is steak for dinner, you got to let them hear it sizzle!"

"Check yourself, Loretta, before you wreck yourself!"

"When a straight man puts on a dress and gets his sexual kicks, he is a transvestite. When a man is a woman trapped in a man's body and has a little operation, he is a transsexual. When a gay man has WAY too much fashion sense for one gender, he is a drag queen. And when a tired little Latin boy puts on a dress, he is simply a boy in a dress!"

"Oh no girlfriend, did you just do a U-ie?"

"Look at her, runnin' like she runnin' across the border."

"I do not do the bus. You obviously have me mistaken for Miss Rosa Parks."

"[As others say "I declare!”] I decline!"

"Look, that child is Latin. You don't want to be gettin' mixed up in all that Latin mess. She might turn out to be a sandinista or something."

"Your mother."

"Why do I feel like I'm in the Tournament of Roses Parade?"

"I ain't drivin' you no more, Miss Daisy!"