"You remind me of my wife. [...] She always struggled. But she was funny, and filtered her pain through the prism of humor. Something I could never master."

"[from trailer] Your time's up, you dumbass/dumbfuck."

"I use a device to slide through time. The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. I got two charges: one to get me here, one to get me home."

"Hello, Russell."

"[referring to Future Firefist] He came into my home and took the only thing that made it a home. Sound familiar?"

"When this is over, I'm gonna fuck you to death with your own broken feet."

"I'll be the first to admit: this did not go according to plan. I'll also be the first to admit that that plan was written in crayon. Looks like Russell found a new friend. Turns out Domino is a bit of a badass and maybe possibly mildly lucky. But Cable, yeesh, that guy's in the mood. A mood that is about to get significantly worse."

"[To Juggernaut] Hey, big guy! The sun's getting real low!"

"[after the X-Force team is killed off accidentally in a series of random mishaps] Good news and bad news. Bad news is, the whole team is dead. The good news is, I don't think anyone is gonna miss Shatterstar. He was a bit of a prick."

"What do you get when you take eight feet of chrome, one pinch of courage, a cup of good luck, a dab of racism, a splash of diabetes, and a wheelbarrow full of Stage 4 Cancer? Answer: a family. See? I didn't lie what kinda film this was. If there's anything you need to take away today, other than the need to Google "What the fuck is dubstep?", it's that we all need to belong to someone."

"In every film, there's a moment when the hero hits rock bottom. In Cool Runnings, it was when John Candy's prized bobsled broke. In Human Centipede, it was when those people signed on to be in that movie. But in this film, well, you're looking at it. Rock, meet bottom."

"[to Domino via commlink] Seriously, I don't get it! What, you shoot luck lasers out your eyes? It's just hard to picture, and certainly not very cinematic. I mean, luck? What coked-out, glass pipe-sucking freakshow comic book artist came up with that little chestnut?! Probably a guy who can't draw feet! [all the while, Domino is running through traffic while a series of accidents happen around her without harming her]"

"[planning to rescue Firefist with the X-Force team] You all know the plan. Intercept the convoy, grab the boy, but not inappropriately!"

"I hope you sharpened the cream cheese spreader. [throws the spreader onto a criminal who's about to shoot Vanessa, successfully killing him] I'll be right back. [uses Cable's time-travelling device; to Vanessa] We're definitely naming our kid Cher! WOOOOO!"

"Nobody knows, but rumor has it that they keep a monster in the basement. Right next to [turns to viewer] huge, steaming hot bowl of foreshadowing."

"[riding around the X-Mansion on Professor X's wheelchair] What am I supposed to do around here, anyway? Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings? And how would I do that, exactly, 'cause... where the heck is everyone? It's always just you and Negasonic Teenage-Longest-Name-Ever- [Colossus (grabbing Wade by the shoulder): Enough!] I said no touching. [Colossus throws him off the wheelchair and onto the floor] What the... fuck! You'd think the studio would throw us a bone – one that doesn't end up in my mouth. The first movie made more money than the guy who invented pants. But they can't just dust off one of the famous X-Men? How 'bout that putz with the giant pigeon wings? What do those do anyway, huh? [cut to behind Wade; Cyclops, Storm, Nightcrawler, Beast, Quicksilver and Professor X are actually in an adjoining room. Beast quickly closes the door without Wade noticing] Carry him three feet off the ground to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb? No, no, no, no, no. No."

"[while going around the X-Mansion using Professor X's wheelchair] All these elderly white men on the walls. Should have brought my rape whistle. [in the Super Duper Cut: All these old guys on the wall. Who lives here, Calista Flockhart?] [chuckles and knocks busts onto the floor, breaking them] Those were already damaged after they fell there!"

"[after Firefist starts a fight in the Ice Box] We're not partners or friends. This doesn't end with us riding into the sunset, it ends with me dying of cancer, and you winning the Ice Box award for softest mouth. There's only one person in this world that I care about, and she's gone. You wanna survive? Stop trying to shank the biggest guys in here, and make friends with them. Make friends with someone. Anyone but me. Maybe even Black Tim... Black Evan? I don't know. All I remember is, he was African-American."

"Is it just me or does "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" from Frozen sound suspiciously like "Papa, Can You Hear Me?" from Yentl? [singing] "Papa, can you hear me?" [spoken] And nobody fucking realizes it."

"Give me your best shot, One-Eyed Willie."

"[from trailer, at Cable's incomplete intro] What... in the actual ass?! DALE! W-why are the visual effects not done?! It's a metal arm! It's not like we're trying to remove a mustache!"

"[To Cable] You're so dark! You sure you're not from the DC Universe? I love dubstep!"

"[narrating while he is shown blowing himself up] FUCK Wolverine! First he rides my coattails with the R-rating, then the hairy motherfucker ups the ante by dying! What a dick! Well, guess what, Wolvie? I'm dying in this one too."

"Vanessa: Kiss me like you miss me, Red."

"[from trailer; playing with action figures] Zip it, Cable! I got the stones to help you! [teabags Cable's action figure with Deadpool's action figure]"

"[narrating while executing Russian criminals] I know what you're thinking: "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home." But that's where you'd be wrong. That babysitter of yours is high as fuck right now. And believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film. True story. And every good family film starts with a vicious murder. Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7... [a guy on fire runs around screaming] Holy shit-pickles, that guy's on fire! That's not CGI, folks, he's really on fire. Yeah."

"[after Cable shoots Black Tom Cassidy] YOU KILLED BLACK TOM, YOU RACIST SON OF A BITCH!"

"Blind Al: Listen to the pain. It's both a history teacher and fortune teller. Pain teaches us who we are, Wade. Sometimes, it's so bad, we feel like we're dying. But we can't really live 'til we've died a little, can we?"