"[giving speech about the painting] Well, hello, I'm Dr. Bean, apparently. And my job is to sit and look at paintings. So, what have I learned that I can say about this painting? Well, firstly, it's quite big, which is excellent. Because if it was really small, you know, microscopic, then hardly anyone would be able to see it, which would be a tremendous shame. Secondly... And I'm getting quite near the end of this analysis of this painting. Secondly... Why was it worth this man, here, spending 50 million of your American dollars on this portrait? And the answer is... Well, this picture is worth such a lot of money, because... it's a picture of Whistler's mother. And as I've learned, by staying with my best friend, David Langley, and his family, families are very important. And even though Mr. Whistler was perfectly aware that his mother was a hideous old bat, who looked like she had a cactus lodged up her backside, he stuck with her... and even took the time to paint this amazing picture of her. It's not just a painting. It's a picture of a mad old cow who he thought the world of, and that's marvelous. Well, that's what I think anyway."

"I've given my life to art and from here on in, the only art I will get anywhere near are the pictures I draw on the pavement hoping passersby will throw nickels in my hat. I guess the long on the short of it: I wish I'd never been born."

"Thomas Haden Church as Tazer"

"Andy Richter as Nathan "Nate" Pearson"

"Gillian Vigman as Nina Pearson"

"Malese Jow as Julie"

"Josh Peck as Sparks"

"J. K. Simmons as Skips"

"The Ultimate Disaster Movie"

"June Brown - Delilah"

"Henri Young as Art Pearson"

"Regan Young as Lee Pearson"

"Robert Hoffman as Ricky Dillman"

"Ashley Boettcher as Hannah Pearson"

"Kevin Nealon as Stuart Pearson"

"Carter Jenkins as Tom Pearson"

"Austin Butler as Jake Pearson"

"Ashley Tisdale as Bethany Pearson"

"The Aliens vs. The Pearsons."

"Not so fast. I have a plan. Work with me here. Did Nana give anyone Mentos?"

"[to the giant-sized Skip with a potato gun] Hey! Down here, you prehistoric space scum!"

"They are home, but they are not alone."

"Well, whatever it is, we can't let 'em get to it. Everyone, gear up. We move on my command."

"[to Tom] We're in the middle of a battle, and you wanna play science fair? No way. We're going back in now... before our parents end up as alien zombies."

"A potato gun? That's your big idea?"

"They came from upstairs."

"Doris Roberts as Nana Pearson"

"Peter James - Doctor Rosenblum"

"Let's go save the planet."

"We gotta call 911."

"Connor Matheus as Randy Brandston"

"Tim Meadows as Sheriff Doug Armstrong"

"J. Adam Brown as Bill Korn"

"David Paetkau as Chuck"

"Satara Silver as Cosmetics Sales Clerk"

"Ellie Kemper as Flo"

"Jonathan Banks as Paolo Gordon"

"Ben Falcone as Tommy"

"John Cho as Daniel Casey"

"Robert Patrick as Skiptracer"

"Eric Stonestreet as Big Chuck"

"Melissa McCarthy as Diana / Dawn Budgie"

"Jon Favreau as Harold Cornish"

"Amanda Peet as Trish Patterson"

"She's having the time of his life"

"Jason Bateman as Sandy Bigelow Patterson"

"Dawn Budgie... That's a terrible fucking name."

"Is this the face of a thief?"

"Génesis Rodríguez as Marisol"

"Is this the face of a sucker?"