"My life is a disaster, but not in the way you'd think reading this shit. These things reduce us, and they do it over and over again because too many white people and people, apparently like you, devour this slop like pigs in a dumpster to stay current at fucking cocktail parties."

"Imagine exploding your brain trying to think of a toilet paper commercial."

"Erika Alexander - Coraline"

"The dumber I behave, the richer I get."

"Tracee Ellis Ross - Dr. Lisa Ellison"

"Myra Lucretia Taylor - Lorraine"

"Adam Brody - Wiley Valdespino"

"Coraline: [to Monk] One day maybe you'll learn that not being able to relate to other people isn't a badge of honor."

"Patrick Fischler - Mandel"

"People wanna love you, Monk. I personally don't know what they see in you, but they wanna love you. You should let them love all of you."

"Potential is what people see when they think what's in front of them isn't good enough."

"Okieriete Onaodowan - Van Go Jenkins"

"Let me say first, Carl, that I'm honored you'd choose me out of all the black writers you could go to out of fear of being called racist."

"Issa Rae - Sintara Golden"

"Being hooked on the game could cost you your life."

"Orien Richman as Brett"

"Mike Massey as Louis"

"Shannon Engemann as Beth"

"Peter Mark Richman as Phillip"

"Ernie Reyes Jr. as Tang"

"Christopher Walken as Mike"

"Peter Dobson as Cory"

"Anson Mount as Chris"

"Phillip Glasser as Max"

"Glenn Plummer as Chico"

"Mars Callahan as Johnny"

"Michael Rosenbaum as Danny"

"Alison Eastwood as Tara"

"Richard Portnow as Toupee Jay"

"Some people get all the breaks. Others just get broken."

"Women... can't even live with them anymore."

"Never go swimming. You'll drown."

"Chazz Palminteri as Joe"

"I am not gay!"

"Yes, take that you motherless motherfuckers!"

"[In the diner] Did you guys know, that the average penis size is 6.4 inches? And that the average vaginal canal is 7.9 inches.Therefore, in this country alone, there's over 17,000 miles of unused, virgin pussy out there."

"Rick Schroder as Brad"

"I'm gonna leave you with nothing."

"I'm not sure I wanna be hanging out with a guy who noticed a crease in my pants."

"This one's for all the marbles, boys."