Comedians From The United States

"Every morning I pick up my newspaper, get the obituary section, see if I'm listed, and if not, I have my breakfast."

"Those people with a sense of humor get by more comfortably than those who don’t."

"The thing nobody ever tells you about marriage is that sometimes it makes you lonelier than being alone ever could."

"People invite me to a party and go, ‘Run around naked and do cocaine and, like, hump people.’ And I’m going, ‘Nah ... I’ll just stand in the corner.’ I’m one of those people that will walk into a bar, and if I wasn’t a comic—because some people know who I am—I would just blend in. But I think people just think I am crazy because they see me doing stand-up, but I am generally not. I am very sad. I’m one of those guys that lights candles and listens to Rachmaninoff..."

"I don’t have [sic] problem with it. It depends on how you do it. People say, “Why do you have to play Connie Chung?” I also play John McCain, which is fucked up because Asians captured him. Why does a black guy have to play Bill Cosby? I’ve done characters with thick accents and ones without. When me and Ken [Jeong] did Pineapple Express they wanted accents. I wasn’t going to say no—we were [playing] Asian assassins. In Harold And Kumar, I didn’t need one; it didn’t call for it. I’m a team player."

"A lot of people that are in the disease of drinking and using can be caught up on the denial aspect of it. I don’t have a problem with that. I am very sensitive. I can just feel when things are getting out of control and I go, ‘Oh, you have to deal with this. Because you can die.’ I’ve always sort of had that."

"To us, it was important throughout the writing process that we put things in that were funny, number one, but also that felt like they came from a real place. And the conversations these characters have, reflect on the conversations we have. For us, it didn’t really feel like we were making any commentary or making any stereotypes, it was really us trying."

"I mean no disrespect to any of our current climate at all, but I have been an actor for almost two decades now, and this is a dream come true to be able to create a network comedy that just makes people laugh…What I love about comedy is that, like music, sports and food, it brings us all together."

"“I said, ‘This going to perhaps sound cheesy, but two of the things I love the most are making people laugh and America,’…I like patriotism. There is an underlying theme of patriotism in all of the Harold and Kumar movies for example. I love that feeling because it’s very much my sense of humor, which is sort of aspirational as opposed to cynical."

"Through that process, I was just working on the outreach team, but because of that I was meeting people who were undocumented, people whose families were impacted by it, and obviously huge advocacy organizations. That stuff stays with you. It was, of course, the basis for some of the characters and some of their stories and the lives that they live…"

"I was super-excited to do it, but I still felt a little nervous about it and I felt like my parents would be a good way for me to test if this was OK…They’re immigrants, and they understand what’s going on over there a little better than me…As soon as I brought it up to them, they thought it was hilarious."

"I have a greater appreciation for how change actually happens. If something could change with the flip of a switch, it would have been done before. By the same token, there's always going to be a bit of a disconnect. Whether you're a Democrat or a Republican, if you're under 35, you're for marriage equality, you want to raise the debt ceiling, and you want better access to health care and entrepreneurship. But the average age in the senate is 62 or 63. Like most people who turn on the news, I think, OK, the members of congress are out of touch."

"What happens when you populate a movie with a lot of Asian-American people is that they get to be people."

"I came into it equipped with these principles because of my Asian-American-studies background, but there was certainly a negotiation that had to take place just for me to get a foot in the door."

"People say that you’re never famous as an Asian-American ‘til you make it to the Chinese newspaper… You could be on the cover of Time, and your parents won’t recognize you until you are on that newspaper!"

"Awkwafina induces the panic attacks and Nora takes them, [she has] a kind of abject confidence that people outgrow in adulthood."

"There is a duality between Awkwafina and Nora. Awkwafina is someone who never grew up, who never had to bear the brunt of all the insecurities and overthinking that come with adulthood. Awkwafina is the girl I was in high school – who did not give a hoot. Nora is neurotic and an overthinker and could never perform in front of an audience of hecklers."

"The language in a casting call is like, "all-American" is white. "Beautiful but doesn't know it" is white. And then usually it'll be like "open to all ethnicities" is when you know that that is a role that they can envision someone not white doing it. But it's like, all the roles should be open to ethnicity. Do you know what I mean?..."

"When I first started, YouTube was known as Asian Hollywood…A lot of these Asian YouTubers popped off because they’re in control of their own content. There’s no gatekeeper on YouTube."

"It needs to be a team effort and until straight dudes are expected to roll up their sleeves and get to work…I’m over being asked about what men need to do."

"…We carry ourselves different — maybe we tell our jokes in a different way or a different style — and we were beating ourselves up in allowing that patriarchal energy to affect our self-esteem. And then I was like, "Yeah, I'm good at this job.""

"This show will hit that sweet spot between educational and charmingly ignorant,” Robinson said in a statement. “Who doesn’t love that? Well, all older black people who struggled and marched for my rights. But besides that, everyone else does!"

"It is very much like Chicano art..It is sophisticated and primitive simultaneously. The scenes would play out and ... the comedy would be absorbed rather than having it jammed down [your throat]."

"It is a very physically and mentally torturous process. It goes 18-20 hours a day, and if you’re stoned during that whole period, you’re not going to make a good movie, because you just won’t have the stamina to physically and mentally do that. And it’s every day. So we didn’t get stoned making the record, never stoned on stage. But we were very disciplined artists about what we were doing. It didn’t magically happen. Well, it did magically happen, but not without effort."

"Right when I was born. I was born and my uncle looked in the crib and I was this curled-up little baby and he says, "Oh, he looks like a little chicharron." The chicharron is a deep-fried pig skin, you know? And I looked like this little curlycue, like a curly fry. And he said, "Oh, he looks like a little chicharron." So that became my family name, Chicharron. And that got shortened to Cheech…"

"Luis Valdez said it long ago: The beauty and the frustration of theater is it is one permanent long shot…You never get up close in someone’s eyes. And that kind of blew me away (while shooting) a close-up. That was all new storytelling for me, and I had to figure it out on a very fast learning curve."

"I mean, I’m middle class. I’m upwardly mobile. I’m not a communist; I’m not a socialist. But when I visit the prisons, when I see the new homelessness in L.A., when I see a declining middle class and the growing Occupy movement in a rich-get-richer America, I find that the remnants of colonialism are alive and well. In the barrios, on the reservations, and certainly in parts of the Sonoran desert on the American side…"

"We thought that would be fun to honor the people that do the mundane daily chores, the people that are part of the work service backbone of places like Los Angeles and Orange County…So much effort is made to vilify [these people]."

"According to multiple sources, Crist has exploited his Christian reputation and platform to harass, manipulate and exploit young women over the last seven years. The allegations include, but are not limited to, individually sexting multiple women during the same time period, initiating sexual relationships with married women and women in committed relationships, offering show tickets in exchange for sexual favors and repeatedly calling these women late at night while drunk."

"John Crist is a man claiming to follow Jesus but living in a world of blurred lines. His intake of sexual toxicity is indicative of what is happening to millions of men in the atmosphere of our culture today. I pray he will recover."

"I feel like if there is any ribbing or maybe roasting of the church or Christian culture, I like to say it's not me pointing at you guys, it's me shining a mirror at us. I'm in the front of it, look at us. A lot of times it comes off as, if someone is making a joke about Christianity in the public forum, whether it be on social media, we are very defensive of it, because ... you're an outsider, you're against us. And I'm kind of like, 'hey, I'm with you. I grew up here, I love Jesus, I think the local church is our only hope. That being said, we do some weird stuff'."

"I think Christian comedy has gotten a bad rap in the past because it's very passive, and it's not honest. It's like knock-knock jokes type humor. What we're bringing to the table is another level of honesty, and maybe transparency that I think does make some people uncomfortable."

"Over the past number of years, various women have accused me of behavior that has been hurtful to them. While I am not guilty of everything I've been accused of, I confess to being guilty of this—I have treated relationships with women far too casually, in some cases even recklessly. My behavior has been destructive and sinful. I've sinned against God, against women and the people who I love the most. I have violated my own Christian beliefs, convictions and values, and have hurt many people in the process. I am sorry for the hurt and pain I have caused these women and will continue to seek their forgiveness. I have also hurt the name of Jesus and have sought His forgiveness."

"People say, ‘You always play the mean Chicano dude with tattoos.’ Well, I am the mean Chicano dude with tattoos…So they got it right. They’re not going to cast Marky Wahlberg as the mean Mexican guy."

"Everything good that has happened to me has happened as a direct result of helping someone else. Everything."

"I made a deal with God. I said, ‘Let me die with dignity. If you do, I’ll say your name every day and I’ll do whatever I can for my fellow man.’ I didn’t want to go to the gas chamber, screaming and yelling and peeing myself."

"Standing on the yard in San Quentin, knowing that there's a riot coming, you're absolutely scared to death with every fiber of your body…[But] you have to pretend you're not. You have to stand there and make everybody think you like it."

"People have often asked me, "If you weren’t in show business, what would you be doing?" The truth is, I don’t think there’s anything else I could be doing, so the answer would have to be, nothing. Then again, there's nothing I love more than making people laugh, so I guess you could say I’m in the only business I could be in. I was born to enjoy life and I've always wanted everyone to enjoy it along with me. That's why I can't see myself any place other than standing in front of an audience with one purpose in mind — to make people feel little bit happier than when they came in."

"I hope he wins ... I'm happy for him that the system worked for him in his favor because the system isn't always fair, especially for people of color. So I'm glad it worked out for him. It's not my place or any other person's place to judge him or what not, but I'm glad the he's nominated I hope he wins because I'd be interested to hear his speech"

"Listen, Otto Von Crybaby, if you're so anxious to go to a country with an unpredictable megalomaniac in charge, just wait a year and you'll live in one!"

"I googled this guy, Roger Stone, because he looks like he pays black guys to bang his wife, And I found out in 1996 he was forced to resign from Bob Dole’s campaign for asking black guys to bang his wife. Not kidding! Look it up!"

"Che’s outside perspective jokes are always at least designed to toss obstacles in the way of conventional wisdom, so him telling Americans excited about Stone’s arrest to calm down because Trump is “one tweet away from declaring a state of emergency and bringing back slavery” had punching power. Him noting how reports of “the White House” denying Trump’s involvement with the increasingly obvious conspiracy to conspire with Russia to gain said address is akin to Che claiming “I’m innocent, just ask my apartment” is a fine joke, too. Plus, seeding in the detail that Roger Stone once got fired from the Bob Dole presidential campaign for putting out swingers ads for black men to have sex with his wife into a setup about Roger Stone doing that was a crisp little reminder that the Trump administration remains beyond the reach of hyperbolical satire."

"you just paid $8 to eat my ass stupid #BlockTheBlue"

"ripleys suck my dick or not"

"Having a bad one; First my Lockheed Martin investment tanks after the ceo posts his penis. Now Cold stone Creamery just called me the N-Word"

"Bad news folks! i waited in line for 16 hours to see the queen. But by the time i got there she was fuckin DEAD!!!!!!"

"i really dont care what Yankee Doodle did when he went to town. His toxic fanbase tells me everything I need to know about him ."

"now that elon has disposed of the left wing woke brigade I can finally post pictures of my COCK!!!"

"HELP ELON!!ELON!! HELP! HELP! POST "DOG COIN""

"(suddenly becoming very somber) no Woman should have to pay over $10 for a Brassiere."