"[upon being caught impersonating U.S. President Ulysses S. Grant by Grant himself] President Grant... Sir, these are perilous times. I was merely demonstrating how someone, using the art of disguise could penetrate into the very bowels of the White House, sir."

"Why y'all look like you've seen a ghost. It's me, dear friends - alive and kicking! Well, alive anyway. [chuckles for a bit] We may have lost the war, but Heaven knows we haven't lost our sense of humor! No... not even when we've lost a lung, a spleen, a bladder, two legs, 35 feet of small intestine and our ability to reproduce, all in the name of the South, DO WE EVER LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR!"

"[revealing himself to be a U.S. Marshal after disguising himself as a courtesan and being called 'lady' by Jim West] I'm not a lady, I'm a U.S. Marshal!"

"[addressing foreign dignitaries at Spider Canyon] Today, I'm proud to be able to sit before y'all and tell you that the wrongs will be righted...the past made present... the United, Divided! [unveils map of a partitioned US and explains it all] Great Britain gets back the 13 original colonies, minus Manhattan. Florida and the Fountain of Youth go back to Spain. Texas, New Mexico, California, Arizona revolve a Mexico. [refers to "Loveless Land" encompassing Oregon, Nevada, Kansas and the Territories of Utah, Washington, Idaho, Colorado, Dakota, Montana, and Nebraska] And a little piece for me to retire on. [guests laugh]"

"as Eddy's Brother"

"Keenan Christenson as Jimmy"

"as Edd / Double D"

"as Jonny / Captain Melonhead"

"as Kevin and Marie Kanker"

"as Nazz and May Kanker"

"as Sarah and Lee Kanker"

"Stephen Macht — Detective Del Crenshaw"

"Mary Ellen Trainor — Emily Crenshaw"

"Jack Gwillim — Dr. Abraham Van Helsing"

"Jonathan Gries — Desperate Man/The Wolfman"

"Carl Thibault — the Wolf Man"

"Tom Woodruff Jr. — the Gill-man"

"Michael MacKay — the Mummy"

"Michael Faustino — Eugene"

"Ashley Bank — Phoebe "Feeb" Crenshaw"

"Duncan Regehr — Count Dracula"

"Ryan Lambert — Rudy Halloran"

"Robby Kiger — Patrick Rhodes"

"Brent Chalem — Horace"

"Tom Noonan — Frankenstein's monster"

"Never send a man to do a kid's job."

"Every 100 years, the forces of darkness arise to challenge the forces of light for control of all mankind. This is the year. Tonight is the night. But this time, Dracula has bitten off more than he can chew."

"The cult surprised me. I didn't even realise it had been successful. I loved it, I had fun working on it and it was one of the first things I'd ever written. And it wasn't just that it wasn't a hit - it was a huge failure. No one saw it. I don't know how on earth it caught on years later."

"The end of the world starts at midnight."

"It would be interesting to have two movies - one The Monster Squad, and one The Monster Squad and they're 30 years apart and so are the kids; the characters have aged. As long as people understood that's what we're doing, I think that could be fun. That's a good idea."

"You know who to call when you have ghosts. But who do you call when you have monsters?"

"Call them for a monstrously good time."

"Andre Gower — Sean Crenshaw"

"I was designed to find dreamers. I found you. And then lost you — until I found her: Casey. Dreamers need to stick together. It's not programming. It's personal."