"My journey here is nearly complete. At last, my great race will rise from its dark sleep. And this time, nothing shall thwart me... once Benjamin Tennyson's dead."

"No! You're lying!"

"Oh so now you want me to go hero."

"Is Gwen okay?"

"Is this a joke? It's a joke. Ha ha, not funny."

"I know that... now."

"Oh, those Plumbers! I knew that."

"(after he sees the car turn on) Oh, great!"

"(after Eon grabs him) Ah! Let me go!"

"Sweet! You actually look like you know what you're doing."

"You mean you fixed this guy's toilet?"

"Is that so crazy? I'm pretty amazing."

"Did none of you read my book?"

"Ben, if it was you trying to convince me, you’d have less evidence and I'd already believe you."

"Even if you're married to the president, you can't get a few minutes alone."

"[looking over the edge of the tilting platform] I see death and despair. Mostly death, maybe despair for the last few seconds and then an instant death."

"You went in Buckingham Palace and all you came out with was an old piece of wood?"

"[after discussing that they are going to kidnap the President] Wouldn't it be easier just to make an appointment? (this is used in the trailer, but not in the final film)"

"[after setting off the Buckingham Palace fire alarms] Uh-oh, God save the Queen!"

"It's on the internet, there's no stopping it now."

"[Riley approaches his Ferrari to see an official envelope from the Office of the President with a key to the car. Written on it is "TAX FREE"] I love this car. [He hops in, inserts the key into the ignition and backs it into another car by accident. A crashing sound is heard; credits roll]"

"Tea time, chaps!"

"Look! It's a little golden man, like a tiny torso. Wow..."

"There's my tax dollars at work coming to arrest me."

"He's not from around here."

"Randy Quaid as Sheriff Loomis"

"Sherilyn Fenn as Keri Johnson"

"Charlie Sheen as Jake Kesey / The Wraith"

"Nick Cassavetes as Packard Walsh"

"He is a phantom - a wraith."

"...his spirit returns for revenge."

"If you've done nothing wrong, you've got nothing to fear."

"He's heaven-sent and hell on wheels!"

"An evil force took his life... Now an unearthly power has brought him back."

"Chris Nash as Minty"

"Griffin O'Neal as Oggie"

"Clint Howard as Rughead"

"Jamie Bozian as Gutterboy"

"David Sherrill as Skank"

"Matthew Barry as Billy Hankins"

"Fun is what you have when you don't have two children, a business, and a town to run."

"Don Cheadle - Emmit Reese"

"Gaby Hoffman - Kelly Roark"

"Anne Heche - Dr. Amy Barnes"