"You know what the difference between hitting .250 and .300 is? It's 25 hits. 25 hits in 500 at-bats is 50 points, okay? There's six months in a season; that's about twenty-five weeks. That means if you get just one extra flare a week, just one; A gork, a groundball—you get a groundball with eyes—you get a dying quail...just one more dying quail a week, and you're in Yankee Stadium."

"[Complaining to an umpire] That was a cocksucking call!"

"Never fuck with a winning streak."

"[To the batter after Nuke ignores his signs] This sonofabitch's pitching a 2-hit shutout and he's shaking me off, you believe that shit? Charlie, here comes the deuce, and when you speak of me, speak well."

"[Adjusts Nuke's garter belt] The rose goes on the front, big guy."

"[To Nuke] Your shower shoes have fungus on them. You'll never make it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Think classy, you'll be classy. If you win 20 in the Show, you can let the fungus grow back on your shower shoes and the press'll think you're colorful. Until you win 20 in the Show, however, it means you're a slob."

"[Closing narration] Walt Whitman once said, "I see great things in baseball. It's our game, the American game. It will repair our losses and be a blessing to us." You could look it up."

"[narrating] "Full many a flower's born to blush unseen and waste its sweetness on the desert air." - Thomas Gray...or William Cullen Bryant, I don't know. I get them mixed up."

"[narrating] The world's made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness."

"[narrating] Baseball may be a religion full of magic, cosmic truth, and the fundamental ontological riddles of our time, but it's also a job."

"This is the damndest season I've ever had; the Durham Bulls can't lose and I can't get laid!"

"[Opening narration] I believe in the Church of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I learned that, I gave Jesus a chance. [sigh] But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology."

"I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!"

"Richard Riehle (uncredited) as Funeral guest"

"Kathryn Joosten as Mrs. Reinhold"

"Dwight Yoakam and Rebecca De Mornay as Mr. and Mrs. Kroger"

"Doria Baird as Vivian"

"Will Ferrell (uncredited) as Chazz Reinhold"

"Jenny Alden as Christina Cleary"

"Ron Canada as Randolph"

"Henry Gibson as Father O'Neil"

"Bradley Cooper as Sack Lodge"

"Keir O'Donnell as Todd Cleary"

"Ellen Albertini Dow as "Grandma" Mary Cleary (final film role)"

"Jane Seymour as Kathleen "Kitty Kat" Cleary"

"Isla Fisher as Gloria Cleary"

"Rachael McAdams as Claire Cleary"

"Christopher Walken as United States Secretary of the Treasury William Cleary"

"Vince Vaughn as Jeremy Grey"

"Owen Wilson as John Beckwith"

"Life's a party. Crash it."

"Life's a Blessing, Remember to Pray."

"Hide Your actual IQ rating."

"They're just a couple of guys who need a good wife."

"On July 15, they're coming to your wedding...with or without invitations."

"Husband: Hey, I got an idea, why don't you just kiss my left nut!"

"Chazz's mom: Chazz, there's someone here to see you! And pick up your fucking skateboard!"

"Grandma: He was a doll! The wife, though, Eleanor, big dyke. Huge dyke. A real rug muncher. Looked like a big lesbian mule."

"Husband: Yeah, that's right, go comatose for me, baby!"

"Wife: You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!"

"You're coming with!"

"(Upon finding out that Jeremy is getting married) What?! What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for me and you!"

"Dude died in a hang gliding accident. What an idiot! Ha ha. "A-a-ah! I'm hang-gliding, honey! Take a good picture! I'm dead!" What a freak!"

"It's like fishing with dynamite."

"Come on in for the real thing."

"Ma! The meatloaf! Fuck!"

"What is she doing? I never know what she is doing back there."

"Hey, Ma! The meatloaf! We want it now! The meatloaf!"