"This is hogshit. You're a fucking asshole to tell me to come here and tell me he was a nice guy didn't you? Well, fuck you people, fuck you, you, you, and you, [points at Andy, Cal and Jay] fuck and kiss my big brown fucking ass! Okay!"

"Of course it doesn't feel right. What feels right hasn't worked. It's time to try some wrong, dawg."

"You're making the pussy into this great big Greek goddess named "Pussalia", and what you're doing is that you're psyching yourself into thinking that it's some impossible feat."

"From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm getting you some pussy."

"All you gotta do is to use your instincts. How do you think a tiger knows how to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's code written in their DNA, says "Tackle the gazelle." Believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says "Tackle drunk bitches.""

"[after discovering Andy's dating a grandmother] Hey, fuck her on her plastic-covered couch...fuck her while she's watching Murder, She Wrote. She would probably find that very erotic...fuck her and have her send you a check for twelve dollars on your birthday."

"[To Andy before he hits on Beth] There are three rules when it comes talking to women. Number one, ask questions. Don't say anything. Because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves, so you're just gonna let them do that. Two, be cool. And three, be kind of a dick. Look, be like David Caruso in Jade."

"Screw these analogies, okay? What he's saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don't wanna have sex with someone you like, 'cause they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it. So you wanna have sex with "hood rats" so that by the time you get to a girl that you do like, you won't be terrible at sex, you'll be mediocre at it. [pause] Probably still pretty bad though."

"Oh, man. I had a weekend. We went down to, uh, Tijuana, Mexico, ya know. And there was this guy there and he was all, "Hey, you gotta come and check out one of these shows." And, you know, it's a woman fuckin' a horse. And you get there and you're thinking, "Oh, a woman fuckin' a horse." And you get there, and it is not as a great as you thought it would be. It's kinda gross. I mean, it was really givin' it to her. To be honest, we all just felt bad for her. Kinda felt bad for the horse."

"[about letting Andy hang out with them] I don't wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment..."

"[about Andy] He's a really nice guy and all, but I'm pretty sure that he is a serial murderer."

"[David and Andy are talking about relationships] Of course it's horrible. It's suffering...and it's pain, and it's...you know, you lose weight, and then you put back on weight, and then you call them a bunch of times, and you try and email, and then they move or they change their email...but that's just love."

"[Being bitter about Amy] If she wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody... well, hey, that's love."

"[Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video again] It looks like the doppler radar."

"[Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video everyone watches in the store] It looks like a Poltergeist."

"I hope you have a big trunk, 'cause I'm putting my bike in it."

"Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?"

"I've borked a lot of women in my day."

"I'm a virgin. I always have been."

"Lisa Edelstein - Woman at table"

"Peter Jacobson - Man at table"

"Danielle Spencer - Veterinarian"

"Harold Ramis - Dr. Martin Bettes"

"Lawrence Kasdan - Dr. Green"

"Lupe Ontiveros - Nora Manning"

"Yeardley Smith - Jackie Simpson"

"Skeet Ulrich - Vincent Lopiano"

"Shirley Knight - Beverly Connelly"

"Cuba Gooding, Jr. - Frank Sachs"

"Greg Kinnear - Simon Bishop"

"Helen Hunt - Carol Connelly"

"Jack Nicholson - Melvin Udall"

"A comedy from the heart that goes for the throat."

"BRACE YOURSELF FOR MELVIN"

"I'm in a freefall here!"

"[to Melvin Udall] You wanna say no to me? You wanna say no to me? 'Cause I've never felt this crazy as I do right now. I almost want you to say no."

"[to Carol Connelly] But you're beautiful, Carol. Your skin, your long neck, the back, the line of you. You're why caveman chiseled on walls."

"[to Melvin Udall] Lucky for you, you're here for rock bottom. You absolute horror of a human being."

"[to Melvin Udall] Is this fun for you? Hm? You lucky devil. It just keeps getting better and better, don't it? I'm losing my apartment, Melvin. And... and Frank, he wants me to beg my parents, who haven't called me for help. And I won't. And... I... I don't want to paint anymore. So, the life that I was trying for is over. The life that I had is gone, and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe. It's high times for you, isn't it, Melvin?! The gay neighbor's terrified! TERRIFIED!"

"[to Melvin Udall] Rot in hell, Melvin."

"[to Verdell] Do you miss the tough guy? [imitating Melvin] Well here I am, sweetheart! Happy to see me, ya little piss-ant mop!? How 'bout another ride down the chute?!"

"[to Vincent Lopiano] Okay. Wh - What I do is I watch. You ever watch somebody who doesn't know that you're watching them? An old woman sitting on a bus or kids going to school or somebody just waiting, and you see this flash come over them, and you know immediately that it has nothing to do with anything external because that hasn't changed. And when you see it, they're just sort of realer, and they're more alive. I mean, you look at someone long enough, you discover their humanity."

"[to Melvin Udall] You don't love anything, Mr. Udall."

"[to Melvin Udall] When you first came into breakfast, when I first saw you, I thought you were handsome. Then, of course, you spoke."

"[to Melvin Udall] You look so s- . . . [She stops herself from saying "sexy" and regathers.] You look, uh, great. You look great."

"[to Melvin Udall] I want your life for one minute where my biggest problem is someone offering me a free convertible so I can get outta this city."

"[to Melvin Udall] If you ever mention my son again, you will never be able to eat here again. Do you understand? Give me some sign you understand, or leave now. [raising her voice] Do you understand me, you crazy fuck?"