"I've been trying since we got divorced to find the right woman for him, somebody to match up with his personality. I'm beginning to wonder if the world population isn't too limited."

"Bob, calm your denial mechanism."

"I say give them an opportunity to decorate their own cells with their personal interior decorator."

"Honey! Bring down a copy of my will... and an eraser!"

"It's like Noel Coward... with hockey!"

"I never believed in God. No, I didn't even as a little kid. I remember this. I used to think even if he exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him."

"How did I end up with a kid on the other end of the political spectrum? How did I fail?"

"There was a moment there when I stroked when I should have hickeyed."

"I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier."

"In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee."

"It's all right! She just swallowed a little jewelry, enjoy your dinners."

"You're fired! [while launching a Sidewinder missile, from which Salim Abu Aziz is hanging]"

"Bill Paxton — Simon"

"Tom Arnold — Albert Gibson"

"Jamie Lee Curtis — Helen Tasker"

"Arnold Schwarzenegger — Harry Tasker"

"When he said I do, he never said what he did."

"You know what? I'm sick of being in the van. You guys can be in the van next time. I've been in the van for 15 years, Harry..."

"[making his videotaped message to the United States] You have murdered our women, and our children, and bombed our cities from afar, like cowards, and you dare to call us terrorists? Now, we have the ability to strike back at our enemies. Unless you, America, pull all military forces out of the Persian Gulf area, immediately, and forever, Crimson Jihad will rain fire on one major US city each week, until our demands are met. First, we will detonate one nuclear weapon on this uninhabited island as a demonstration of our power. Crimson Jihad's willingness to be humanitarian. However, if these demands are not met, Crimson Jihad will rain fire on one major American city each week."

"[narrating her story with Simon during the interrogation] I wanted to do something outrageous and it felt really good, to be needed, and to be trusted. It's just there's so much I want to do with this life and it feels like I haven't done any of it. And you know, the sand's running out of the hourglass, and I want to look back and say, [teary-eyed, points to wall] 'See, I did that, that was me, I was reckless and I was wild, and I fucking did it!' Frankly, I don't give a shit if you understand that or not."

"Jacques Balutin - Etienne"

"Capucine - Renée"

"Romy Schneider - Carole"

"Woody Allen - Victor Skapopulis"

"Peter O'Toole - Michael James"

"Peter Sellers - Dr. Fritz Fassbender"

"I just burnt my finger! I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream. I'll be out in a minute."

"We played strip chess. She had me down to my shorts and I fainted from tension."

"I'll be back tomorrow. If I'm not back tomorrow, send for the police. If they're not back tomorrow, send my clothes."

"Look, I know you'll think this is crazy, but, er, when the light hits me from a certain direction, I'm... handsome."

"Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!"

"My wife, the creature that ate Europe, is here."

"You'll like this group analysis, it's a real freak show. If it gets dull, we sing songs."

"Silence when you're shouting at me!"

"You are a monster and a monster, in that order."

"I've hated you from the first moment I married you!"

"Eddra Gale - Anna Fassbender, Dr. Fassbender's wife"

"Paula Prentiss - Liz Bien"

"Ursula Andress - Rita"

"Yesterday 12-year old Josh Baskin wanted money, cars, and girls. Today he got all those."

"Have you ever had a really big secret?"

"Yesterday Josh Wanted Everything In Life - Girls...Money...Cars... Today, All His Wildest Dreams Have Come True!"

"You're Only Young Once But For Josh It Might Just Last A Lifetime."

"You're only young once!"

"Debra Jo Rupp - Miss Patterson"

"Josh Clark - Mr. Baskin"

"Mercedes Ruehl - Mrs. Baskin"

"Jon Lovitz - Scotty Brennen"

"Jared Rushton - Billy Kopecki"

"John Heard - Paul Davenport"