"Dear Editor: Greetings from the sticks. Perhaps you believe that a rural education is focused mainly on hog calling and tractor maintenance rather than reading. Why else would you print a piece of fiction about me and call it fact? I suppose Mr.Graham was too busy thinking up slanderous statements about how I dump men for kicks to bother with something silly like accuracy in reporting, which is understandable because with a man-eater like me on the loose, who has time to check facts? That's why I was surprised to find Mr. Graham's editor was a woman. Call me a sentimental fool, but I sort of hoped we man-eaters could stick together. Anyway, I'm just dropping you big-city folk this little note to say that I have thought of a ritual sacrifice that would satisfy my current appetite: Ike Graham's column on a platter. Yours truly, Maggie Carpenter. P.S., I have enclosed a list of the gross factual misinterpretations in your article. There are fifteen."

"There is a distinct possibility that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up."

"You're a cynical, explotive, mean-hearted creep who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit."

"A toast to, uh to Maggie's family and friends. May you find yourselves the bulls-eye of an easy target. May you be publicly flogged for all of your bad choices. And may your noses be rubbed in all of your mistakes."

"So, um, may be you and I should, you know, what do you think, Huh?"

"Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me."

"There's me going to bed every night worried because you had to share a bed with Ste, and all the time you were... you turned a seventy minus one."

"No, I know what you need... a shooting."

"I like her hair. I wonder if the carpet matches her pubes."

"You've got Christ between your thighs... but with a shorter beard."

"Let me just say that if God was a city planner, he would not put a playground next to a sewage system."

"Branscombe Richmond - Keoki"

"Teila Tuli - Kimo"

"William Baldwin - Himself / Det. Hunter Rush"

"Jason Bateman - Animal Instincts Detective"

"Paul Rudd - Chuck / Kunu"

"Maria Thayer - Wyoma Braden"

"Da'Vone McDonald - Dwayne"

"Liz Cackowski - Liz Bretter"

"Jonah Hill - Matthew Van Der Wyk"

"Bill Hader - Brian Bretter"

"Jack McBrayer - Darald Braden"

"Russell Brand - Aldous Snow"

"Mila Kunis - Rachel Jansen"

"Kristen Bell - Sarah Marshall"

"Jason Segel - Peter "Pete" Bretter"

"A comedy about getting dumped, and taking it like a man."

"When Peter got dumped by his girlfriend, he wanted to get as far away as possible. Apparently... so did she"

"The ultimate romantic disaster movie"

"From the guys who brought you "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" and "Knocked Up""

"I would rather have my testicles spread wafer thin and then sort of pasted with honey and then have wasps unleashed at my own genitals and then I would like the resulting stings to be covered in vinegar and sort of worn as a swimming cap by a Nazi."

"[In response to Matthew the waiter's question about how Aldous liked his CD] Oh, I was gonna listen to your CD, but then I just went on living my life."

"When life hands you lemons, just say fuck the lemons and bail."

"Cary Grant - Capt. Cummings"

"Louise Beavers - Pearl (Lou's maid)"

"Robert Homans - Doheney"

"Grace La Rue - Frances Kelly"

"Fuzzy Knight - Rag Time Kelly"