"Steve Stark, Councilman: He can act and he can sing and he can dance. There's only one other person in the world who can do all that, and that's Barbra Streisand."

"Mayor Glenn Welsch: There's a saying in Missouri, if you don't like the weather just wait five minutes. In Blaine, with hard work, I think we can get that down to three or four minutes."

"Mrs. Pearl: We don't associate with the creative types. We have a Scrabble club. We associate with people with babies."

"Ron Albertson: If there's an empty space, just fill it with a line, that's what I like to do. Even if it's from another show."

"UFO Expert: I've been coming to this circle for about five years, and measuring it. The diameter and the circumference are constantly changing, but the radius stays the same. Which brings me to the number 5. There are five letters in the word Blaine. Now, if you mix up the letters in the word Blaine, mix 'em around, eventually, you'll come up with Nebali. Nebali. The name of a planet in a galaxy way, way, way... way far away. And another thing. Once you go into that circle, the weather never changes. It is always 67 degrees with a 40% chance of rain."

"Dr. Allan Pearl: People say, You must have been the class clown. And I say, No, I wasn't. But I sat next to the class clown, and I studied him."

"My aunt brought out her atlas that I look at a lot—this big, blue book, 'n' opened up to New York, 'n' it's an island, is really what it is. It's this island full of people of different colors 'n' different ideas, 'n' I can't—it sounds like a lot of fun to me. Y'know we don't see much of that in Blaine. I'd like t' maybe meet some guys—some Italian guys, 'r y'know—watch TV, 'n' stuff."

"I been workin' here at the DQ for about, um, eight months...seven? I dunno, something like that. It's fun. Y'just do the cones, make sundaes, make Blizzards, 'n' put stuff on 'em, 'n'... See a lot of people come in; a lot of people come to the DQ—burgers, ice cream. Anything, y'know? Cokes. Just drive in and get a Coke, 'f yer thirsty."

"What the city council did was really... give me a challenge, and it's a challenge that I am going to accept. It's like in the olden days, in the days of France, when men would slap each other with their gloves say, y'know..."D'Artagnan!"... y'know, "how dare you talk to me like that, you!," and smack 'em."

"I think that the elements, as Dr. Watson said to Sherlock, "are coming together, sir." I was shopping for my wife, Bonnie (I buy most of her clothes). And Mrs. Pearl was in the same shop, and it just was an accident. Y'know, we started talking... about pantyhose. She was saying—w-whatever, that's not the point of the story, but what the point is was that through this accidental meeting—it's like, y'know, it's like a Hitchcock movie, where, you know, you're thrown into a rubber bag and put in the trunk of a car. You find people; you find them. Something... It—is it karma? Maybe. But we found him; that's the important thing—and I got Bonnie a wonderful pantsuit."

"Me, you know, right out of the navy, you know, fresh off a destroyer, with a dance belt and a tube of chapstick, basically, you know, not really much to call my own, and then basically being slammed down for ten or so years off off off off Broadway, and then, enough is enough, OK, I get the joke."

"So what I'm understanding here - correct me, if I'm wrong - is that you're not givin' me any money. So now I'm left basically with nothin'. I'm left with zero, in which, in which, what can I do with zero, you know? What can I - I can't do anythin with it! I need to, this is my life here we're talking about! We're not just talkin' about, you know, somethin' else. We're talking about my life, you know? And it's forcing me to do somethin' I don't wanna do. To leave. To, to go out and just leave and go home and say, make a clean cut here and say: 'No way, Corky, you're not puttin' up with these people!' And I'll tell you why I can't put up with you people - because you're bastard people! That's what you are! You're just bastard people! And I'm goin' home and I'm gonna, I'm gonna bite my pillow, is what I'm gonna do!"

"My first show was Barefoot in the Park, which was an absolute smash, but my production on the stage of Backdraft was what really got them excited. This whole idea of 'In Your Face' theatre really affected them. The conceptualization, the whole abstraction, the obtuseness of this production to me was what was interesting. I wanted the audience to feel the heat from the fire—the fear—because people don't like fire, poked, poked in their noses. You know, when you get a cinder from a barbeque right on the end of your nose, and you kind of make that face, you know? That's not a good thing. And I wanted them to have the sense memory of that. So during the show I had someone burn newspapers and send it through the vents in the theatre. And well, they freaked out, and 'course the fire marshall came over, and they shut us down for a couple of days."

"Well, then, I just HATE you... and I hate your... ass... FACE!"

"It's a Zen thing, like "how many babies fit in a tire," you know, the old joke."

"It's like in a Hitchcock movie, you know, where they tie you up in a rubber bag and throw you in the trunk of a car. You find people."

"Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation."

"Fred Willard - Lieutenant Hookstratten"

"Anjelica Huston - Polly Deutsch"

"Paul Shaffer - Artie Fufkin"

"Howard Hesseman - Terry Ladd"

"Dana Carvey - Mime Waiter"

"Billy Crystal - Morty the Mime"

"Patrick Macnee - Sir Denis Eton-Hogg"

"Fran Drescher - Bobbi Flekman"

"Bruno Kirby - Tommy Pischedda"

"June Chadwick - Jeanine Pettibone"

"Tony Hendra - Ian Faith"

"Danny Kortchmar - Ronnie Pudding"

"Ed Begley Jr. - John "Stumpy" Pepys"

"I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me more of a selective human than someone who doesn't believe anything."

"David Kaff - Viv Savage"

"R.J. Parnell - Mick Shrimpton"

"[introducing the film] I wanted to capture the... the sights, the sounds... the smells of a hard-working rock band, on the road. And I got that; I got more... a lot more. But hey, enough of my yakkin'; whaddaya say? Let's boogie!"

"Harry Shearer - Derek Smalls"

"Michael McKean - David St. Hubbins"

"Christopher Guest - Nigel Tufnel"

"Rob Reiner - Marty DiBergi"

"And you my love, won't you take my hand? We'll go back in time, to that mystic land. Where the dew drops cry and the cats meow. I will take you there, I will show you how."

"You're sweet but you're just four feet, And you still got your baby teeth. You're too young and I'm too well hung, But tonight I'm gonna rock you."

"The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand."