"[eats a french fry and begins to puke in the alleyway] I can't eat solids now. Great. What, I can't sunbathe? I can't watch daytime TV? I can…well I guess I could. M-More than anything, it’s just the chips. That’s my favourite food and I can't eat chips. It's– I don't– It's just– I hate– I’ll say it. I'm over being a vampire now. It's shit, so don't…don't believe the hype."

"Taika Waititi — Viago"

"Jackie van Beek — Jackie"

"Jonathan Brugh — Deacon"

"[Nick and Deacon quarrel, Nick runs away by turning into a bat, Deacon chases after him by also turning into a bat] Ooh! Bat Fight!"

"Just leave me to do my dark bidding on the Internet! I'm bidding on a table."

"[about Stu] At first I wanted to kill him, but now I'm glad I spent time to get to know him."

"At the start I was like 'Oh no, like I'm– I'm dead'. It's kinda affected my friendship with normal people and my family and stuff. But the way I see it I have a whole new family who accept me for who I am, and I accept them for who they are…even though one of them killed me."

"[to Nick] This is what happens when you're a vampire. You have to watch everyone die. Your mother and father. All your friends. Sometimes brutal, like slipping and falling onto a giant spike. Or falling asleep in an autumn pile of leaves and having some of them block your windpipe. Or making the simple mistake of fashioning a mask out of crackers and being attacked by ducks, geese, swans. Or even dying of old age, but even old age is brutal. Watching your friends grow old. They can't piss, and they say stupid things, and their brains go, and they can't remember anything. And then one day they can't even remember who you are, and you wish they were dead, and then they do die."

"[telling a group of strangers] The mov'ie Twilight. Have you seen it? Okay, I'm the main 'in Twilight. You know the main g'uy?' Twilight? That's me."

"We're vampires. We don't put down towels."

"One year I went to the Unholy Masquerade dressed as Whoopi Goldberg from Sister Act 1 and Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit. Didn't go down so well because she was a nun. Weird. Vampires don't like nuns."

"[talking about re-uniting with his now-elderly love, Katherine] Some people freak out a bit about the age difference. Uhh… they think 'What's this 96-year-old lady doing with a guy 4 times her age?'."

"Yeah, some of our clothes are from victims. You might bite someone, and then you think 'Ooh, those are some nice pants!'."

"When you become a vampire, you become very…sexy. [gestures to himself]"

"I don't think Nick should have become a vampire. He's such a dick."

"So it's 6pm in the nighttime, which is when I wake up. This is always really scary part for me [slowly peeks out of curtains] Yes! Nighttime."

"[reading text message from Viago] One message received. [turns around startled to find nothing] "Ther iz a crucifx behind you"."

"Keegan-Michael Key as Alpha"

"Jordan Peele as Beta"

"Andy Samberg as Junior"

"Katie Crown as Tulip"

"Stephen Kramer Glickman as Pigeon Toady"

"Dr. S.C. Lim - Dr. S.C. Lim"

"Ron Miller - Jim Lawrence"

"Chastity Murdoch - Sage Lawrence"

"Brandon Ryan - Gordon Skilling"

"Trixie Anderson - Tracey Lawrence"

"Troy (Tron) McRae - Andrew Sparacino"

"Just Give'r"

"Two-liner!"

"the government takes their part"

"And I rip that shit in half!"

"Laurie D'Amour - Laurie D'Amour"

"(Deaner farts) , "As soon as I smelt that I thought 'Terry's mom's place'. Ah, something must be cookin' over at Terry's mom's house"."

"I ,uh , make tables ."

"tron funkin blow (spray painted)"

"I recommend you try a different sport, like knitting!"

"FERREL I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE BROKE THE SUCK KNOB RIGHT OFF."

"Yo yo fucking blows."

"FERREL I THINK YOU HAVE THE SUCK KNOB CRANKED UP TO 10."

"I think you better take up another sport, like knitting."

"Hey terry...My face is totally bunged up."

"You need to take a serious five Farrel"

"Turn up the good turn down the suck."

"Fist Fighter #2 - Peter N. Cipriano"

"If I have five words left and I'm about to fuckin' expire and all I have left to say is to curse fuckin' Tron, I'm probably not going to say, "Tron funkin' blow.""

"A fable is history."

"Fist Fighter #1 - Cameron Swirka"