"[Sitting on a park bench with Richard] Boy this is the worst. My so called "family" deserts me. Michelle's mad at me. I've lost the factory, the town's going under and I'm out of a job. [Bench collapses under him] ...Could've done without that."

"You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, cuz I'll come over there and jam an oar up your ass!"

"Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died. We just killed Bambi. I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAMNED BRIDGE ABUTMENT!"

"Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa, or is it Spanky? Sinner."

"Not here, or here so much... but right 'here'."

"If I wanted a kiss, I would've called your mother."

"[During the pretend "bee" attack] Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they're huge and they're sting crazy! They're ripping my flesh off! Run away, your firearms are useless against them!"

"What my associate is trying to say is that, uh, our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even going to believe it. Like, um, let's say you're driving along the road with your family. And you're driving along la li la. And then, all of the sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. Err! Whoa, that was close. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the 'other guy's' brake pads. You're driving along. You're driving along and all of the sudden the kids are yelling from the backseat, 'I got to go to the bathroom, daddy!', 'Not now, damn it!', truck tire, eeeee, 'I can't stop!'. Help! There's a cliff! Aah! And your family's screaming 'Oh my god, we're burning alive!' 'No! I can't feel my legs!'. In comes the meat wagon. And the medic gets out and says, 'Oh, my god.'. New guy's in the corner puking his guts out. All because... you want to save a couple of extra pennies. To me, it doesn't..."

"Were you watching Spanktravision? Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian. Oh, what's his name? Buddy...Whack-it?"

"[During first day in his Father's brake pad division] I was just checking the specs on the endline for the...rotary...girder... I'm retarded."

"[Singing, in an attempt to cheer up Richard] Fat guy in a little coat! Fat guy in a little coat!"

"Brothers don't shake hands, brothers gotta hug!"

"Professor posts final exam results Sorry, pardon me. Can I just check this out? D-plus? Oh, my god. I passed! I passed! Oh, man! I got a D-Plus! hugs a student standing next to him I'm going to graduate! I wish we'd known each other. This is a little awkward."

"Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn't the end. No way. We're gonna show this world a thing or two. We're going to show... [passes out]"

"[repeated line] Shut up, Richard!"

"[repeated line] Holy schnikes!"

"[repeated line] Son of a... That's gonna leave a mark."

"I have no life."

"Jonathan Loughran - Jennifer"

"Dom Magwili - Security Guard"

"Peter Dante - Security Guard"

"Joe Nakashima - Old Hawaiian Man"

"Pomaika'i Brown - Nick"

"Maya Rudolph - Stacy"

"Blake Clark - Marlin Whitmore"

"Happy birthday, sir. What are you, like, 200 today?"

"Allen Covert - Ten Second Tom"

"Amy Hill - Sue"

"Dan Aykroyd - Dr. Keats"

"Lusia Strus - Alexa"

"Sean Astin - Doug Whitmore"

"Rob Schneider - Ula"

"Drew Barrymore - Lucy Whitmore"

"Adam Sandler - Henry Roth"

"Alexa: [After an aborted one-night stand with a woman] I guess I prefer sausage to taco."

"[About Henry's drawing on a napkin] Can I have that? I need something to wipe my ass with."

"Are you staring at me or her? 'Cause you're starting to freak me out."

"[at the Callahan Institute, to Doug] Don't you think you're a little old to still be having wet dreams? (laughter) Hi, I'm Tom!"

"[repeated line] Hi, I'm Tom!"

"[falls through the deck of Henry's boat up to his chest] I think I pulled out my stitches again, Cuz. [pause] You got a cat? 'Cause I feel somethin' lickin' me."

"Get your brother out of the dishwasher!"

"[Pretending to be Lucy for the video] Aquariums make me super horny."

"[after Henry woke up dazed and confused] Your golf ball hit the cart, bounced back and hit ya in the head. It was freakin' hilarious."

"Sharks are like dogs. They only bite when you touch their private parts."

"My shirt size is medium husky."

"[to his children] You kids suck; you're good at everything!"

"[repeated line] There's nothing like a first kiss.."

"Can I have one last first kiss?"

"Hey, Ula! Get back to cleaning the pool! And if that's one of your special brownies, don't let any of the dolphins eat that."