"Deals come and go. Wellman will always be Wellman. But you know what bothers me? I walk down the street and this cute little boy says, "Look Mommy, there goes the Hamster's BITCH!""

"I'm not that kind of... [screaming] GUUUUUUUUUUUY!!!!!!"

"[Sherman, losing his intelligence, misspells "Shit" S-H-I-T-E] Oh, ho-ho-ho. My shite?"

"Oh, you bastard! [sees a rubber ball, because his body has dog DNA]"

"[after catching a rubber ball filled with youth formula] What the hell is that?! (Sherman: Who's dumb now?) Oh, Sherman. Oh, you sneaky son of a bitch! Oh, Sherman...! [turning into a baby] Oh, SHIT! Uh, uh, everyone calm down! Just calm down, this is a part of the demonstration! Just calm-- Relax! everything is under control. [woman stares at his penis] What the hell are you looking at?! This is an impressive package for a toddler!"

"The Klumps are back!"

"Eddie Murphy Is The Klumps"

"Eddie Murphy - Professor Sherman Klump/Buddy Love/Mama Klump/Papa Klump/Ernie Klump/Grandma Klump"

"Janet Jackson - Denise Gaines"

"Larry Miller - Dean Richmond"

"John Ales - Jason"

"Richard Gant - Mr. Gaines"

"Anna Maria Horsford - Mrs. Gaines"

"Melinda McGraw - Leanne Guilford"

"Jamal Mixon - Ernie Klump Jr."

"Wanda Sykes - Chantal"

"Freda Payne - Claudine"

"Nikki Cox - Student"

"Charles Elliott - Restaurant Manager"

"Duffy Taylor - Restaurant Trainee"

"Charles Napier - Four Star General"

"Steve Kehela as Scientist"

"Miguel A. Núñez, Jr. - Scientist"

"Viola Kates Stimpson - Sweet Old Lady with Dog"

"Quit playing with your dinghy."

"Zach Grenier - Ted Reilly"

"Sean McCann - Frank Rittenhauer"

"Julie Warner - Michelle Brock"

"Dan Aykroyd - Ray Zalinsky"

"Rob Lowe - Paul Barish"

"Bo Derek - Beverly Barish, aka Beverly Burns"

"Brian Dennehy - Thomas R. "Big Tom" Callahan, Jr."

"David Spade - Richard Hayden"

"Chris Farley - Thomas R. "Tommy" Callahan III"

"Cow Farmer: Hey! Get off my property!"

"Your sail is limp, like your dick!"

"Hey lady, there's a fat whale on your boat! ya, free willy"

"Hey Gilligan, did you eat the skipper?!"

"No you need to drop a couple hundred pounds Blimp!"

"Hey you ain’t moving!"

"Ray Zalinkski: Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, "Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z.""

"Michelle Brock: Listen up, you little spazoids! I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you!"

"Big Tom Callahan: Of course, I can get a good look at a T-Bone steak by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it."

"Ugh, I just barfed on an anthill. Cool. Ugh, I think they're pissed."

"Ugh, why do you always have to de-turd these things? Look at this one, caught him after Thanksgiving feast, I think I'm gonna need a pooperscooper."

"He's a big, dumb animal, isn't he folks?"

"Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy. He'll be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he's never been laid. Exits, okay, there's one back here, and there's uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere, usually. And what about seatbelts? To fasten, take the little end stick it in the big end and... hey, know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call button, and Tommy will come back there and hit you over the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard. Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain."

"It's the next town, tons-of-fun. It's got to be there. Okay, where's Moron? [points to Tommy] Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport..."

"It's called reading, you know, top to bottom, left to right. A group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps."

"[After watching Tommy wolf down fries and squirt ketchup into his mouth] Ugh! I can actually hear you getting fatter ."