"[after he hallucinates and sees the penguin at Veronica's house; drunkenly] Oh. I see what's going' on in here. [the penguin waves at him] So sorry to interrupt! [turns to Veronica] Proceed!"

"[drunk] You, me, Jack and Frank are gonna go around putting shit on people's doorsteps and we gonna sets it on fire!"

"[to the female high-school classmate] No, I will not make out with you! [laughs] Did you hear that?! This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class! You got chlorophyll man talking about God knows what! All she's talking about is making out with me! I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you! Go on with the chlorophyll!"

"Chlorophyll?! More like BORE-O-PHYLL! Right?"

"[after Ernie hangs up the phone] YOU BLEW IT!!"

"You know I like Snack Pack, why can't you just GIVE ME A SNACK PACK?!?!"

"JUST DO IT!!"

"[to the little kid who's eating chocolate pudding] I bet that snack pack is pretty good huh? [the little kid smiles and nods] Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana? [the little kid smiles and shakes his head] You know how badly I could beat you, right? [the kid keeps smiling and nods]"

"[at the dodgeball period] Now you're all in big, big trouble!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Ms. Lippy. The part in the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think: 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits; you get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog!"

"[singing] Oh, back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight! Ohhhhhhhhh, back to school! Back to school. Back to...school. [the bus approaches] Well, here goes nothin'. [but the bus drives right passed him]"

"[about Eric] Uh, Dad, do we have to discuss this with Captain Dipshit here?"

"He said "poop"!"

"[waves the shampoo bottle as if it is talking] Shampoo is better; I go on first and clean the hair! [waves the conditioner bottle to the same effect] Conditioner is better; I leave the hair silky and smooth! [waves the shampoo bottle] Oh, really, fool?! [waves the conditioner bottle] Really! [then makes the shampoo and conditioner bottle "fight" each other before dropping both into the bathtub, then notices a golden swan-shaped faucet] Stop lookin' at me, swan!"

"All the people at the zoo are real nice, Mr. Penguin. They'll treat you real respectable like."

"It's too damn hot for a penguin to be walking around here."

"[first lines; singing while relaxing in his pool] Suntan lotion is good for me; you protect me, tee-hee-hee! Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but YOU WON'T LET IT! WILL YA?!?! Ultraviolet rays: bad! Lotion: good! [makes a smiley face with his sunblock] Smiley!"

"[Thurgood when finished with work] Free!!"

"A comedy about best buds!"

"Warning: this movie may cause the munchies, cotton mouth, and memory loss!"

"They'll do anything to save their best bud."

"Sir-Smoke-Alot: Doctor says I need a back-iotomy!"

"Enhancement Smoker: You ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill... on weed? Oh, there's some weird shit in there, man. There's a dude sittin' in the bushes, man, does he have a gun? I dunno, man, I dunno! Wha, wha? RED TEAM GO, RED TEAM GO. It's just some weird shit, man!"

"Brian: Don't worry. Don't worry. l'm not gonna do what everyone thinks l'm gonna do: Flip out, man! All l wanna know is: who's comin' with me? Who's comin', man? Who's comin' with me?"

"Brian: Get some...sour cream and onion chips, with some dip, man. Some beef jerkey, some peanut butter. Get some Hagen-Dagz ice-cream bars. A whole lotta of chocolate. Gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, pink popcorn. GRAHAM CRACKERS!!! Graham crackers with the marshmallows. Little marshmallows with little chocolate bars and we'll make some s'mores man. Celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch with the little crunch berries, pizzas, we need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, water, a whole lotta water and.......Funyuns."

"Kenny: Ya hear that? I'm somebody's bitch!"

"Sir-Smoke-Alot: I'm impotent, man! Get away from me, bitch!"

"Sir-Smoke-Alot: I want to talk to Samson! Fly me to the moon like that bitch Alice Kramden! 'Cause it's hard being black and gifted. Sometimes I just wanna throw it all down and get lifted!"

"Nasty Nate: So the next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail...FRUIT!"

"Ahhhh this motherfucker said ice cream, B!"

"[To each of his fellow burger employees] Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, [To the old lady customer] you're cool, [the old lady gives a thumb-up] and fuck you, I'm out!"

"I'm right behind you. Turn around and ask me for a heffer with cheese, yo. Why you gotta make me feel inferior cause I'm on the grill, B? Damn!"

"Abba Zabba....You're my only friend"

"Let me tell you something: I love weed. I love it! But not as much as I love pussy!"

"I, myself, am a master of the custodial arts..or a janitor if you wanna be a dick about it."

"I got some booty, I got some booty!"