Garfield and Friends

""We're environmentally sound; all of today's jokes are recycled from last week's show." [from Episode 82]"

""Reproductions of the accounts and descriptions of this cartoon show is prohibited." [from Episode 83]"

""If you could only watch one TV show this year, this is the one to watch." [from Episode 85]"

""Hey, you could watch some other show, but why would you want to?" [from Episode 86]"

""Today's show is inspected for your safety by number 29." [from Episodes 90 and 95]"

""Don't bother checking NBC, kids. They're not running cartoons anymore." [from Episode 91, although replaced with the quote above it]"

""If a tree falls while our sound effects man is at lunch, does it make a sound?" [from Episodes 92 and 93]"

""Penelope's back today, folks. Some women just can't get enough of me." [from Episodes 96 and 97]"

""And keep watching, or we'll have to change into a shopping network and sell bad jewelry." [from Episodes 102 and 104]"

""Today is Hit-a-Duck-in-the-Face-With-a-Lemon-Meringue-Pie Day. We'll explain later." [from Episodes 103 and 105]"

""The cartoon show to watch when you won't settle for just any cartoon show." [from Episodes 107, 108, and 113]"

""The funniest show on TV that doesn't have a 1-800 number to buy cheap junk." [from Episode 110]"

""Y'know, we're really running out of those silly lines I do at the start of each show." [from Episode 37 in syndicated airings only]"

""Garfield and Friends is taped in front of an animated studio audience." [from Episodes 38 and 39]"

"Roy: (considering moving onto the Buddy Bears' show) You [the Buddy Bears] won't hit me with pies? Bobby Buddy Bear: Oh no! Billy Buddy Bear: We never hit anyone with pies! Bertie Buddy Bear: That's not educational and uplifting! All Buddy Bears: We never do anything that's not educational and uplifting! [from Big Bad Buddy Bird]"

"Maurice: I take people into fantasy sequences and show them what the world would be like if they had never lived. Wade: Oh yeah. Like that movie they show seven million times every Christmas. [from It's A Wonderful Wade]"

"Roy: Orson, tell me the name of the new worker in the tool shed. Orson: What. Roy: Tell me the name of the new worker in the tool shed. Orson: What. Roy: Who is the guy in the tool shed?! Orson: No, Who is fixing the roof. Roy: [grabbing the clipboard] I don't care about the roof! Where is the name of the guy in the shed? Orson: No, Where is the name of the guy plowing the field. Roy: Who's plowing the field? Orson: No, Who's fixing the roof. Wade: Orson, what is the name of the guy fixing the roof? Orson: No, What is the name of the guy cleaning the tool shed. Wade: Who's cleaning the tool shed?! Orson: No, Who's fixing the roof. Roy: Who is the guy plowing the field?! Orson: No, Who is fixing the roof. Where is the guy plowing the field. Roy: How should I know?! What is his name?! Orson: No, What is the name of the brother cleaning the shed. Wade: Whose brother? Orson: Of course. Roy: Orson, who is fixing the roof, what is the name of the guy cleaning the shed, and where is the other brother?! Orson: You finally got it. [from Who Done It?]"

"Judge Orson: Wade Duck, you are charged with tearing the tag off a pillow. How do you plead? Wade: I did it! I did it! I'm glad I did it! [Laughs maniacally] And I'd do it again. Judge: I sentence you to 9,999 years in prison! Wade: [Sighs] At least I didn't get life.[from Wanted: Wade!]"

""Warning! Do not remove this tag under penalty of law. Penal code 7756". [The tag Wade pulled off Orson's couch, from Wanted: Wade!]"

"Aloysius: Just what do you think you're doing here, may I ask? Orson: Oh, we're doing our version of the book Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak. Aloysius: This is a cartoon show, not Masterpiece Theatre. Strike the set! [From Kiddie Korner]"

""You folks have this confused. I'm real, and you're animated." [from Episode 1]"

""I just checked the TV listings; I'm the only thing on right now." [from Episode 2]"

""Smart kids watch this show; other kids change the channel." [from Episode 3]"

""Maybe not as funny as pro wrestling, but a lot more realistic." [from Episode 4]"

""This show is K-rated - no adults unless accompanied by a kid." [from Episode 5]"

""Pay careful attention, everyone; there'll be a quiz later." [from Episode 6]"

""The Garfield Guarantee - no giant robots or annoying little blue people." [from Episode 7]"

""So if someone wants you to change the channel, kids, just say no." [from Episode 8]"

""Don't forget, kids, look both ways before crossing your teacher." [from Episode 9]"

""Hey, Heathcliff! Eat your heart out!" [from Episode 10]"

""Beware of imitations, accept no substitutes. Batteries not included." [from Episode 11]"

""You notice how every week I say something different here?" [from Episodes 12, 43, 61]"

""Hey you, the kid who missed last week's show: You'd better have a good excuse." [from Episodes 13, 46, 48, 63]"

""I suppose you're all wondering why I asked you here today." [from Episodes 14 and 15]"

""And remember, lasagna is an important part of your nutritious breakfast. " [From Episode 15 in syndicated airings only]"

""And just remember what you paid to get in." [from Episodes 16, 17, 40, and 69]"

""This show has so many mentions of pasta, it'll affect your cholesterol count." [From Episode 17 in syndicated airings only]"

""In the interest of conservation, today's show will recycle most of last week's jokes." [From Episode 18 in syndicated airings only]"

""A funny thing happened to me on my way to my cartoon show." [from Episodes 18 and 19]"

""Hey you, chewing the gum: I hope you brought enough for everybody!" [from Episodes 20 and 21]"

""Eat and be lazy, kids, and someday you'll have your own show too." [from Episodes 22 and 23]"

""Sell your remote control. I'm the best thing on." [from Episodes 24 and 25]"

""I can't believe we get away with this every week." [from Episodes 26 and 27]"

""Today, featuring Binky the Clown, so turn up the volume, kids!" [from Episodes 28 and 29]"

""Don't try any of this at home, kids. We're professionals." [from Episodes 30 and 31]"

""If you don't see this label, you're not watching a genuine Garfield cartoon." [From Episode 31 in syndicated airings only]"

""Wouldn't I make a great ventriloquist? My lips never move." [from Episodes 32 and 33]"

""This offer void where prohibited. Some restrictions may apply. Batteries not included." [from Episodes 34 and 35]"

""We've got to stop that chicken from writing on my logo every week." [from Episodes 36 and 37]"

""Today, a look into our writer's joke file! That's right, we examine both jokes!" [from Episodes 116 and 119]"