"My name is William Hague, Conservative Party Leader. And I refuse to be referred to as the illegitimate spawn of Ann Widdecombe and Nicholas Parsons."

"Hello, I'm Stellios [Haji-Ioannou]. The beloved lovechild of Pavarotti and a shish kebab."

"I am Anne Robinson: Judge Dredd in an Armani trouser suit and I will be obeyed!"

"I'm Graham Norton, the last Kenneth Williams in the shop."

"Hello, I'm Gabby Logan, half woman, half jockstrap!"

"Hello, I'm Bill Oddie. Don't be frightened of my beard, it's just to make predators think I'm bigger than I really am."

"Hello, I'm Bill Oddie. I used to be big in the seventies, but then again - so was the three day week."

"Hello, I'm Bill Oddie, the missing link between man and shrub."

"Hello I'm Bill Oddie. Half man, Half compost heap."

"Hello I'm Nicky Hambleton-Jones, the body of a Barbie doll, the soul of a Great White Shark!"

"I'm Professor Robert Winston, the only Super Mario brother who didn't become a plumber" and "I'm Professor Robert Winston, a shrink-wrapped version of Tom Selleck."

"And I'm Phil Spencer, half man…"

"I'm Kirsty Allsopp. I wasn't born, I was knitted"

"I'm Kirstie Allsopp, half woman, half Care Bear…"

"Hi, I'm George Lucas, you know lots of people say to me: "George? Why do you keep going back and tampering with the old Star Wars movies we love and keep creating crappy new ones we hate?" You know what I say to them? "You're fired!"."

"Hi, I'm George Lucas, Hollywood's most powerful Ewok."

"Hello, you're watching Newsnight Review so you've probably lost your remote control."

"You're watching Newsnight Review with me, Mark Lawson, Britain's brainest potato…" and "You're watching Newsnight Review with me, Mark Lawson, I am the eggman, Martha Kearney is the walrus…"

"Hello, I'm Sandi Toksvig: love child of Bilbo Baggins and an Ewok…", and, "Hello, I'm Sandi Toksvig, the original hobbit…"

"Welcome back to another special edition with me, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, the secret love child of Alan Davies and Dougal from The Magic Roundabout…"

"Hello, I'm Natasha Kaplinsky — half television presenter, half prize-winning cat!"

"Hello, welcome to Fame Academy. I'm Patrick Kealty - I'm Irish, I got spikey hair so in theory I should be as lovable and funny as Graham Norton. So much for theories! We've got twelve contestants, three judges, two viewers!"

"We must protect ourselves ... from the Visigoths, and the Huns, and the Barbarian Horde."

"[when asked whether 900 "portaloos" are needed for his soldiers] Well we can't have 20 soldiers to 1 shitter."

"Mick? I will call you Mickus"

"We must bathe with the women slaves ... it will heighten the men's spirits before going into battle."

"We can't use the rivers as they have been infested by the plague."

"Is your friend one of those who would plot a war against me?"

"I once had the plans, but they were stolen by Proximo and Gracchus."

"Call MCMXXVI, that's MCMXXVI"

"Father to a mudered son, husband to a murdered wife ... but that's when I call Claims Direct! [cheesy music starts, Maximus walks through a call centre] If you've been involved in a motor accident that wasn't your fault, had a trip or fall anywhere, or had your family brutally murdered by the Empire's legionaires, call now."

"[Vader to Kenobi, about their baguette duel] Your bakery products are weak, old man!"

"[Kenobi to Darth Vader] You cannot win, Darth. If you strike me down, you will lose your No-Claims Bonus!"