"Noreen: [reading Dave's note about her from their group session] "Throughout marriage, BJs lacked enthusiasm. Had difference of opinion over how important that was. I thought very." You know what, Dave? You want to know why my BJs lacked enthusiasm? I hated you."

"This shit life.... you must chuck some things. You must chuck them in this shit life."

"Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. "Easy" doesn't enter into grown-up life."

"I remember once imagining what my life would be like, what I'd be like. I pictured having all these qualities, strong positive qualities that people could pick up on from across the room. But as time passed, few ever became any qualities that I actually had. And all the possibilities I faced and the sorts of people I could be, all of them got reduced every year to fewer and fewer. Until finally they got reduced to one, to who I am. And that's who I am, the weather man."

"I mean, I'll bet no one ever threw a pie at, like Harriet Tubman, the founder of the Underground railroad. I'll bet you a million fucking dollars."

"The other thing that gets to people, that leads to pies, I guess are these catch phrases we're required to use to single the program out. It gets under people's skin. Spritz Nipper. But the whole thing about all of it, all the getting hit with stuff, the whole thing is, who gets hit with a fucking pie, anyway? Did anyone ever throw a pie at Thomas Jefferson? Or Buzz Aldrin? I doubt it. But this is like the ninth time I got--- [pause] clowns get hit with pies."

"[Thinking, while looking at a woman's butt while waiting to cross the street] Man, I'd like to put my face in there. Right in there. Tartar sauce. My hips are cold. Tartar sauce. That's when you know it's cold. I like eating pussy. Tartar sauce. A lot of guys don't. Well maybe they do. Maybe that's just black guys. Tartar sauce. What happened to the guy who was trying to fly around the world in a balloon? Did he make it? I should put some espionage or stolen plutonium in my novel. Tartar sauce. Spice it up. Neil Young. Fuck, it's cold. Neil Young. Why am I thinking about Neil Young? Neil Diamond. Neil... There's not a lot of famous Neils. Is this Wednesday? I wish I had two dicks. I thought the whole family was going to learn Spanish together this year. That never really happened. I haven't had a Spanish omelette in a long time. Here we go."

"Here's the thing: if you want your father to think you're not a silly fuck, don't slap a guy across the face with a glove, because if you do that, that's what he will think. Unless you're a nobleman or something in the nineteenth century. Which I am not."

"The first time I was struck with something, it was a chicken breast from Kenny Rogers. I was standing next to a garbage pail. I thought it might've been an accident, that they were throwing it out. The second time, it hit me square on the chin, a soft taco. Then, pop. A falafel. McNuggets. Always fast food. Fast food. Shit people would rather throw out than finish. It's easy. It tastes all right, but it doesn't really provide you any nourishment. [pause] I'm fast food."

"That was refreshing. I'm refreshed. I'm refreshing."

"We live in a small town in Southern California called San Marino. I love this town, and not just because it's the kind of place where people still smile at each other but because it hasn't changed much in the past twenty-five years. And since I'm not a guy who's big on change, this town fits me like a glove. I got Annie's ten-speed all cleaned up and polished. New seat, new tires...I couldn't wait to show it to her. This is our house. 24 Maple Drive. Annie was just in grammar school when we bought it. A few years later, we got a surprise package: our son, Matt. I love this house. I love that I taught my kids to ride their bikes in the driveway. I love that I slept with them in tents in the backyard. I love that we carved our initials in the tree out front. This house is warm in the winter, cool in the summer, and looks spectacular with Christmas lights. It's a great house. I never want to move. But the thing I think I like best about this house are the voices I hear when I walk through the door."

"Sarah Rose Karr - 7-year-old Annie"

"Eugene Levy - Singer at audition"

"Chauncey Leopardi - Cameron"

"David Pasquesi - Hanck"

"Richard Portnow - Al"

"Kate McGregor-Stewart - Joanna MacKenzie"

"I used to think a wedding was a simple affair. A boy and girl meet, they fall in love, he buys a ring, she buys a dress, they say "I do." I was wrong. That's getting married. A wedding is an entirely different proposition. I know. I've just been through one. Not my own. My daughter's. Annie Banks-MacKenzie. That's her married name. MacKenzie. I'll be honest with you. When I bought this house seventeen years ago, it cost me less than this blessed event in which Annie Banks became Annie Banks-MacKenzie. I'm told that one day I'll look back on all this with great affection and nostalgia. I hope so. You fathers will understand. You have a little girl. An adorable little girl who looks up to you and adores you in a way you could never imagine. I remember how her little hand used to fit inside mine. How she used to sit in my lap and lean her head against my chest. She said that I was her hero. Then the day comes when she wants to get her ears pierced and she wants you to drop her off a block before the movie theater. Next thing you know she's wearing eye shadow and high heels. From that moment on, you're in a constant state of panic. You worry about her going out with the wrong kind of guys, the kind of guys who only want one thing—and you know exactly what that one thing is because it's the same thing you wanted when you were their age. Then she gets a little older and you quit worrying about her meeting the wrong guy and you worry about her meeting the right guy. And that's the biggest fear of all because then you lose her. And before you know it, you're sitting all alone in a big, empty house, wearing rice on your tux, wondering what happened to your life. It was just six months ago that it happened here. Just six months ago that the storm broke."

"Peter Michael Goetz - John MacKenzie"

"B.D. Wong - Howard Weinstein"

"Martin Short - Franck Eggelhoffer"

"George Newbern - Bryan MacKenzie"

"Kieran Culkin - Matty Banks"

"Kimberly Williams - Annie Banks"

"Diane Keaton - Nina Banks"

"Steve Martin - George Stanley Banks"

"A comedy about letting go."

"Love is wonderful. Until it happens to your only daughter."

"Well, that's the thing about life, is the surprises, the little things that sneak up on you and grab hold of you."

"Consult your doctor before using this product. Side effects may include oily discharge, hives, loss of appetite, low blood pressure. If you have diabetes or a history of kidney trouble, you're dead, asshole!"

"Sandra Oh - Stephanie"

"Virginia Madsen - Maya"

"Thomas Haden Church - Jack"

"Paul Giamatti - Miles"

"You don't understand my plight."

"[Describing her passion for wine] I like to think about what was going on the year the grapes were growing; how the sun was shining; if it rained. I like to think about all the people who tended and picked the grapes. And if it's an old wine, how many of them must be dead by now. I like how wine continues to evolve, like if I opened a bottle of wine today it would taste different than if I'd opened it on any other day, because a bottle of wine is actually alive. And it's constantly evolving and gaining complexity. That is, until it peaks, like your '61. And then it begins its steady, inevitable decline."

"To open a bottle of 61 cheval blanc is enough reason to open a bottle of 61 cheval blanc."

"I feel like a thumbprint on the skyscraper of life."