"Sitting there at that moment I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said, "Hey... life is pretty stupid; with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much." Of course I'm paraphrasing: "Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.""

"Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends?"

"[Admiring a painting] I like the relationships. I mean, each character has his own story. The puppy is a bit too much, but you have to over look things like that in these kinds of paintings. The way he's holding her... it's almost... filthy. I mean, he's about to kiss her and she's pulling away. The way the leg's sort of smashed up against her... Phew... Look how he's painted the blouse sort of translucent. You can just make out her breasts underneath and it's sort of touching him about here. It's really... pretty torrid, don't you think? Then of course you have the onlookers peeking at them from behind the doorway like they're all shocked. They wish. Yeah, I must admit, when I see a painting like this, I get emotionally... erect. [[the painting is revealed to be of a red rectangle]"

"Let us just say I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time."

"Let's bring out the cake!"

"Jake Gyllenhaal- Danny Robbins"

"Yeardley Smith- Nancy"

"Patricia Wettig- Barbara Robbins"

"Tracey Walter- Cookie"

"Noble Willingham- Clay Stone"

"Helen Slater- Bonnie Chambers"

"Jack Palance- Curly"

"Bruno Kirby- Ed Furillo"

"Daniel Stern- Phil Berquist"

"Billy Crystal- Mitch Robbins"

"Yesterday they were businessmen; today they are cowboys; tomorrow they'll be walking funny."

"When you three first got here, you were as worthless as hen shit on a pump handle. But look at ya now; a bunch of tenderfeet bringin' in a whole herd!"

"I feel as happy as a puppy dog with two peters."

"Great gobs of goose shit!"

"City folk."

"She a redhead? I like redheads."

"You're spookin' the cattle."

"I'm 39, and I'm saying "Moo, cow!" in a river! Do you believe this!?"

"I crap bigger than you."

"I've gotta stop being a schmuck."

"[at Curly's impromptu funeral] The man ate bacon at every meal... you just can't do that!"

"Now let's have some peace and quiet around here, for Christ's sakes! I'm tired! I been under a lot of stress! I lost my wife, I lost my job, and I got some sort of rash from making in the bushes!"

"[Seeing Bonnie for the first time] You know, when I was alive, I would've found her attractive."

"If hate were people, I'd be China!!"

"Charge all this to my Visa [spits out chewing tobacco and it lands on a denim shirt for sale] I'll take that shirt, too."

"What'd ya use for protection, Phil; paper or plastic?"

"TRUSTED us? They don't even KNOW us! They followed us because we yelled "yah!"."

"No, that was "I like your ass; can I wear it as a hat?"."

"[while Phil is taking pictures of Mitch getting his butt wound stitched] Phil, let the man keep what's left of his dignity."

"To Curly, as they're delivering a calf.] You know, this was not in the brochure."

"[to a Spanish doctor treating a puncture wound on his buttock] Excuse me, el doctor! Helloooo...? Don't sew anything up that's supposed to remain open, OK?"

"[singing] Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep them dogies rollin', man my ass is swollen, Rawhide! Get 'em up, move 'em out, wake 'em up, get 'em dressed, get 'em shaved, comb their hair, Rawhide! Tie me down, tell me lies, pull my hair, smack my thighs - with a big wet strap of, Rawhide!"

"[to a classroom full of children on Career Day] Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so fast. When you’re a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, “What happened to my twenties?” Your forties, you grow a little pot belly, you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud. One of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Fifties you have a minor surgery. You’ll call it a procedure, but it’s a surgery. Sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud, but it doesn’t matter because you can’t hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, start eating dinner at two o'clock in the afternoon, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate soft yogurt and muttering “How come the kids don’t call? How come the kids don’t call?” The eighties, you’ve had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can’t stand but who you call mama. Any questions?"

"Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place."

"You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only-only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert."

"Tony Roberts - Tony"

"Marie-Christine Barrault - Isobel"

"Jessica Harper - Daisy"

"Charlotte Rampling - Dorrie"

"Woody Allen - Sandy Bates"

"Female fan: [to Bates] Will you autograph my left breast?"

"To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition."

"I don't know much about classic music. For years I thought the Goldberg Variations were something Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg tried on their wedding night."

"I took one course in existential philosophy at, uh, at New York University, and on, uh, on the final... they gave me ten questions, and, uh, I couldn't answer a single one of 'em. You know? I left 'em all blank... I got a hundred."