"Man at Bar: You go to a party, you meet a group of people, you like them and you think "These people are going to be my friends for the rest of my life". Then you never see them again. I wonder where they go. We simply fail without being doomed. I'm not destitute. I've got a good job that pays decently. It's just that it's all so mediocre, so unimpressive. The acid test is whether you take any pleasure in responding to the question "What do you do?". I can't bear it. You start out expecting something much more, and some of your contemporaries achieve it. You start reading about them in the papers or seeing them on TV. That's the danger of midtown Manhattan - running across far more successful contemporaries. I try to avoid them whenever I can. But when I can't, they're always friendly. But inevitably they ask what am I doing - or think it."

"Allison Parisi - Jane Clark"

"Finally... A film about the downwardly mobile."

"Rick Von Slonecker is tall, rich, good-looking, stupid, dishonest, conceited, a bully, liar, drunk and thief, an egomaniac, and probably psychotic. In short, highly attractive to women."

"It's a tiny bit arrogant of people to go around worrying about those less fortunate."

"But, unlike you, I've always assumed I'd be a failure anyway. That's why I plan to marry an extremely rich woman."

"The most important thing to realize about parents is that there is absolutely nothing you can do about them."

"Playing strip poker with an exhibitionist somehow takes the challenge away."

"Dylan Hundley - Sally Fowler"

"I'm not sure if you realize this, but these girls are at a very vulnerable point in their lives. All of this is much more emotional and difficult for them than it is for us. They're on display. They have to call the guys up and invite them as escorts. And preppy girls mature socially much later than others do."

"Marissa Ribisi - Charlotte"

"Dean Cameron - Zach"

"Elliott Gould - Grover's Dad"

"Kaela Dobkin - Audra"

"Eric Stoltz - Chet"

"Jason Wiles - Skippy"

"Perrey Reeves - Amy"

"Parker Posey - Miami"

"Josh Hamilton - Grover"

"Olivia d'Abo - Jane"

"If Plato is a fine red wine, then Aristotle is a dry martini."

"Carlos Jacott - Otis"

"You know, despite my efforts, my intense efforts to do nothing... things happen anyway."

"Chris Eigeman - Max"

"Cara Buono - Kate"

"[to Miami] I begged you not to get off Prozac."

"[to Grover, at the airport, about Otis] This is useless. We just have to walk away like mothers in nursery school."

"What about me? You've got enough friends, a new one is bad for you. You start spreading your affection around and it runs thin, believe me."

"What I used to be able to pass off as a bad summer could now potentially turn into a bad life."

"I found myself writing 'wake up' and 'go to bed' in my day planner as if they are two different events."

"Shelley Hack - Cathy Long"

"Ed Herlihy - Himself"

"You know, even though all 618 of us were wearing caps and gowns out there today, I couldn't help but think it was a coincidence that we were both wearing black."

"Lou Brown - Band leader"

"Robert De Niro - Rupert Pupkin"

"Jerry Lewis - Jerry Langford"

"Diahnne Abbott - Rita Keane"

"Sandra Bernhard - Masha"

"[to Chet] I like that you drink. I like a bartender who drinks. Otherwise I feel like I'm being poisoned."

"Noah Baumbach - Danny"

"A lot of you are probably wondering why Jerry couldn't make it this evening. Well, he's tied up, and I'm the one who tied him. [laughter] You think I'm joking, but that's the only way I could break into show business—by hijacking Jerry Langford. [laughter] I'm not kidding. Right now, Jerry Langford is strapped to a bedstead somewhere in the middle of this city. [laughter] Go ahead. Laugh. But the fact is . . . I'm here. Tomorrow you'll know I wasn't kidding, and you'll think I was crazy. But I figured it this way: better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime!"

"[to Pupkin, about Langford] All of a sudden, with a gun on him, he wants to make up and be friends. And, once he's out the door, what happens then?"

"This wasn't an easy decision for me, Jerry, believe me. For one thing, I knew it meant we could never be friends again and that hurt me. It's hard to lose a friend, even one who has let you down. You always hope you can patch things up. You know, a guy like me doesn't make friends that easily. Why didn't you just listen to the tape when I asked you? Then I wouldn't have to be doing all this. Was it really too much to expect, a few minutes of your time to listen to something I'd worked on my whole life?"

"[to Langford] I've got so much to tell you I just don't know what to begin with. Are you okay? [Langford mumbles, as he is bound and gagged] Good. Tell me if you're not. I guess you're wondering why I do stuff like this. I think it's because I'm a Leo, but my shrink says I'm pathologically rebellious and self-destructive. You don't think I'm self-destructive, do you? [Langford mumbles again] I knew you wouldn't. That's 'cause you're the only person in the world who really understands me."

"[to Rita, about Marilyn Monroe] She wasn't a great actress, but she had a real gift for comedy. She died tragically, you know, alone, like so many of the world's most beautiful women. I'm going to see that doesn't happen to you, Rita."