"[to Joe] Well, does it take more guts to twice traverse a staircase in a burning building, or to make a one-time leap into the mouth of a smoking volcano? Damned if I know, Kimosabe. All I know is when you're making those kind of calls, you're up in the high country."

"I have no people of my own, Chief. I'm my only hope for a hero."

"I see it as a sign of tremendous sophistication that you haven't demanded my name or asked me what I'm doing here."

"Neil Innes:"

"Terry Jones:"

"Michael Palin:"

"Terry Gilliam:"

"Connie Booth:"

"Carol Cleveland:"

"Makes Ben Hur look like an Epic!"

"Sets The Cinema Back 900 Years!"

"And now! At Last! Another film completely different from some of the other films which aren't quite the same as this one is."

"Graham Chapman:"

"John Cleese:"

"Eric Idle:"

"Antonio Fargas - Blind Man"

"Richard Bright - Officer Brennan"

"Sheree J. Wilson - Nancy"

"Edward R. Pressman - Ernest Trend"

"Bruce Campbell - Renaldo 'The Heel'"

"Reed Birney - Vic Ajax"

"Paul L. Smith - Faron Crush"

"Extermination is not just a business. It's a way of life."

"Louise Lasser - Helene Trend"

"Hey baby, why don't ya come on over to my pad? We'll have a scotch and sofa."

"Brion James - Arthur Coddish"

"I've never seen you here before. I like that in a woman."

"Peter Johansen - Marty"

"Jennifer Jostyn - Leslie"

"Edward Burns - Barry/Finbar McMullen"

"Mike McGlone - Patrick McMullen"

"Maxine Bahns - Audrey"

"Catharine Bolz - Mrs. McMullen"

"Elizabeth McKay - Ann"

"Connie Britton - Molly McMullen"

"[holds up a banana] Man is like a banana. Strong and firm, bright and phallic, and he's protected by his all-important shield. But, when a woman comes along, you know, she sees this bright phallic beast and she wants it. So, she starts peeling away your all-important shield. [peels the banana] First, she wants to see your romantic side, then she wants to see your passionate side, finally she wants to see your soft, caring, feminine side. She keeps peeling and peeling until your left there buck naked, totally exposed with your balls blowing in the wind. And that's when she gets her knife, and she cuts away your manhood piece by piece until she's having your cock in her corn flakes."

"Jack McMullen: I am a progressively modern, politically correct housewife."

"I like being a pessimist. It helps me deal with my inevitable failure."

"Jack is trying to save his marriage, Patrick is in a hopeless relationship, but their biggest problem is Barry's brotherly advice."

"Shari Albert - Susan"

"Jack Mulcahy - Jack McMullen"

"Repression is not such a bad thing."

"Stephen Uys - Victor Lemley"

"What am I going to do with my life? You know I didn't think college was actually going to end."

"I don't need any new ideas. I'm confused enough already."

"Parker Posey - Miami"

"Elliott Gould - Grover's Dad"

"Jason Wiles - Skippy"

"Carlos Jacott - Otis"