"Listen, you royal...highness. Take only what you need to survive. [Later, we see Lone Starr and Barf carrying the whole 'Royal Highness' Matched Luggage' across the desert...]"

"[Talking on the Winnebago intercom to the passengers] Buckle up back there, we're going into..."Hyperactive"!"

"[Talking to Barf after King Roland calls them to rescue Vespa] We're not just doing it for money...We're doing it for a shitload of money!"

"[waking up on the desert moon of Vega and surrounded by the Dinks] ...Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?"

"Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. [Pauses, reads script {off-screen}]...Yeah."

"YOU listen! On this ship, you are to refer to me as "idiot," not "you captain"! I mean - you know what I mean!"

"Spaceballs? Forget it, too dangerous. Besides, I'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list."

"One pod left and three of us, and I'm the president. Well, boys, it's a very lovely ship; I think you should go down with it. Goodbye. What the hell's the matter with this seat belt? AHHH! [finding a bear already in the seat]"

"Sandurz, Sandurz! You got to help me! I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions! I'm a president!"

"[When the self-destruct siren is going off] Where the hell are we, Paris?!?"

"[to Dark Helmet] Never have that damn thing down in front of me! How do I know that you're not making faces at me under that thing?"

"[Winded after running down the bridge] The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie will be over."

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage! [Sandurz and Helmet look at each other in disbelief]"

"[Commanderette Zircon calls him on a video monitor in his bathroom] I told you never to call me on this wall! This is an unlisted wall!"

"[After beaming to the bridge, his head is on backwards] Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?!"

"That was my virgin alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do."

"Here I am! I'm sorry! I had to make a pit stop! I'm so excited that I couldn't hold my oil."

"Well... [sniffs] Goodbye, virgin alarm."

"We'll have none of that mister! How far did he get? What'd he touch?"

"It's either the 4th of July or someone's trying to kill us!"

"[After Barf, introduces himself, opening the emergency exit of the wedding car] Not in here, Mister. This is a Mercedes!"

"Come back, you fat bearded bitch!"

"[about the self-destruct cancellation button being out of order] Out of order?! Fuck! Even in the future nothing works!"

"Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago."

"So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb."

"Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted!"

"[To Lone Starr] I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate."

"You have the ring. And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now, let's see how well you handle it."

"Commence operation [pause] "Vacu-Suck"!"

"1-2-3-4-5? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard of in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!"

"[ogling Dr. Philip Schlotckens' nurse] I bet she gives great helmet."

"Yogurt! Yogurt! I hate Yogurt! Even with strawberries!"

"[feeling the force of going at Ludicrous Speed] What have I done?! My brains are going into my feet!"

"Ludicrous Speed, Go!"

"What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz?! Chicken?!!"

"Now we'll show her who is in charge of this galaxy. [A soldier volunteers, but Helmet stops him] Hold it...I'll handle this personally. [Soldier: Jawohl, Lord Helmet!] So Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner and you will be held captive until such time as all the air is transferred from your planet...to ours. [pauses, looking at the camera, then opens door, but finds nothing, then lifts helmet] She's not in there!"

"[Mr. Radar has just been "jammed" with raspberry.] There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: [pulls down helmet as camera zooms in on his face] Lone Starr! [camera slams into his face and knocks him out]"

"[in tiny print]: If you can read this, you don't need glasses."

"How many Assholes have we got on this ship, anyhow? [Everyone On-Board: [raises hands; except one] Yo!] I knew it, I'm surrounded by Assholes! [lowers helmet] Keep firing, Assholes!"

"Fred Willard - Lieutenant Hookstratten"

"Anjelica Huston - Polly Deutsch"

"Paul Shaffer - Artie Fufkin"