"I tell him about destiny; he's shaking his head. About dream girls; he doesn't care. I mention the underwear thing? He has a fucking conniption. And you? How 'bout it, filmgoer? Have you solved the case of the - the dead people in L.A.? Times Square audiences, please don't shout at the screen, and stop picking at that, it'll just get worse."

"[voiceover] I was wetter than Drew Barrymore at a grunge club."

"It was the first time I felt how pitying someone and wanting to fuck them can get all tangled up in your head. Overwhelming sadness, meanwhile you got a Rodney. Is that sick? I think… yeah… I think that's sick."

"Sex. Murder. Mystery. Welcome to the party."

"A bad week in a tough town."

"I sent Harmony home believing A, we'd meet tomorrow to go over her case, and B, I'm not actually gay. Please do not ask me how I did B."

"And that's how she got to the same party as me. Oh shit. I skipped something. Damn it. This whole robot bit. I made a big deal, then I like totally forgot. Fuck, this is bad narrating. Like my dad telling a joke. "Oh, wait back up. I forgot to tell you the cowboy rode a blue horse." Fuck. Anyway, I don't know if you want to see it now, but here's the fucking robot stuff for your viewing pleasure. Can I say "fuck" more?"

"Anyway, by now you may wonder how I wound up here. Or maybe not. Maybe you wonder how silly putty picks shit up from comic books. The point is, I don't see another goddamn narrator, so pipe down."

"Wow, I feel sore. I mean physically, not like a guy who's angry in a movie in the 1950's."

"Don't worry, I saw Lord of the Rings. I'm not going to end this 17 times."

"Vincent Gallo as Billy Brown"

"Christina Ricci as Layla"

"I don't need anybody. Do you hear what I said? Do you hear what I said this time? Wanna know the truth? I coulda had any girl I wanted, in school. Any girl I wanted. You know why I didn't have a girlfriend? Huh? Because there was nobody that I liked. Nobody that I liked. That's the truth. I coulda had anybody. There was nobody that I liked because girls stink. They stink. They're evil, and they're all bad. All of them. They're all backstabbers, like you.""

"Scott Adkins as Jacquard"

"Paul Korda as Pierre Fuquette"

"Clive Owen as Nigel Boswell/Agent 006"

"Jason Statham as Yves Gluant"

"Charlotte Maier as Dialect Coach"

"Dexter Bell as Terry Ahkee-Sauce"

"William Abadie as Bizu"

"Roger Rees as Raymmond Laroque"

"Henry Czemy as Yuri the Trainer"

"Kristin Chenoweth as Cherie"

"Beyoncé Knowles as Xania"

"Emily Mortimer as Nicole Durant"

"Kevin Kline as Chief Inspector Charles Dreyfus"

"Jean Reno as Gendarme Gilbert Ponton"

"Steve Martin as Inspector Jacques Clouseau"

"Ah, Clouseau. Yes, well, the first time I ever heard that name, Clouseau was just a little nobody. He was the village idiot, as far as I could tell. As Chief Inspector of the Police Nationale, I hear many stories of our officers in the field. Clouseau generated many... many stories. Needless to say, Clouseau did not qualify for any advancement whatsoever. I never thought for a moment that I would have any use for him, until that fateful day. It was a perfect day for a murder. France against China, with the winner advancing to the finals. I had been invited, as Chief Inspector of the Police Nationale, and because of my recent nomination for the Medal of Honor. I have been nominated seven times. I have never won. But still, seven nominations. That's... something. Anyway, the Coach of the French team, Yves Gluant, came out for his customary ovation. On it: the Pink Panther diamond. It was quite the symbol of pride and victory for the French team. Gluant's girlfriend at that time was Xania, the international pop star. They had been having quite a stormy affair. By the end of regulation time, the score was tied, and the game went into sudden death. For a patriotic fan and true Frenchman like myself, it was almost too thrilling to believe. And then... the miracle. And then, in front of a stadium filled with people, Gluant collapsed, dead, a poison dart in his neck. And the Pink Panther had disappeared."

"A woman is like an artichoke. You have to do some work before you get to her heart."

"This is it. No turning back. Another Christmas in the trenches."

"Donald Trump - Himself"

"Clare Hoak - Carlotta"

"Ralph Foody - Johnny"

"Eddie Bracken - E.F. Duncan"

"Brenda Fricker - Pigeon Lady"

"Dana Ivey - Mrs. Stone"

"Rob Schneider - Cedric"

"Tim Curry - Mr. Hector"

"Anna Slotky - Brooke McCallister"

"Kieran Culkin - Fuller McCallister"

"Daiana Campeanu - Sondra McCallister"

"Senta Moses - Tracy McCallister"

"Jedidiah Cohen - Rod McCallister"