"(On the phone): Oh, come on kids. Come on, no fighting. Believe me, there is more than one peanut butter and banana sandwich in the world, what did I say this morning? OK.....love you too....no, I don't wanna talk to the dog, bye bye..."

"I have never seen anyone leap frog so fast to the top in my life. And I have the bad back to prove it. I remember when he was just a management trainee . . . in fact, I'm the one who trained him."

"We're gonna need a special locker for the hat."

"I'm a widow with four kids. You know, Jerry should never have died. I'd be better off - I could've divorced him."

"He's got you for poisoning him, and me for roping him, and you for acting like he was first prize at a turkey shoot!"

"Mr. Hart, if you touch that phone, I'm gonna jerk it out of the wall!"

"Well, I say we hire a couple of wranglers to go upstairs and beat the shit out of him."

"So! You've been tellin' everybody I'm sleepin' with ya, huh? Well that explains it! That's why these people treat me like some dime-store floozy. They think I'm screwin' the boss! Oh, and you just love it, don't you!? It gives you some sort of cheap thrill, like knockin' over pencils and pickin' up papers...! Get your scummy hands offa me! Look, I've been straight with you since the first day I got here; and I've put up with all of your pinchin' and starin' and chasin' me around the desk, because I need this job. But this is the last straw! Look, I got a gun out there in my purse. And up till now, I've been forgivin' and forgettin' because of the way I was brought up. But I tell you one thing: if you ever say another word about me, or make another indecent proposal, I'm gonna get that gun of mine. And I'm gonna change you from a rooster to a hen [TV edit: "...from a bishop to a rabbi..."] with one shot! Don't think I can't do it!!!"

"I'm as nice as I know how to be to every single person down at that office. Everybody treats me like a bastard at a family reunion."

"Oh Mr. Hart, you didn't make a mistake. You see I'll just have to remember to check, the next time I'm asked to go to work at a convention that there is a convention going on."

"Oh, you are ROTTEN, Mr. Hart. Has anyone ever told you that?! I never thought I would live to see the say I would say this about another human being, but you are EVIL! That's right, evil to the core!!!"

"Mr. Hart, I sign your name better than you do!"

"Dick (to Judy after seeing Hart tied up): So, that's what you're into now. Bondage. Judy: What's that? Dick: Bondage, S&M, sex games. Judy (thinking fast): That's right. All of it. I'm into everything now get out of here. Dick: I can't believe it! Who is that guy anyway? Judy: He's my boss. Dick: Your boss. You're having an affair with your boss! Isn't that typical?! Judy: Just like you had an affair with your secretary! Dick: But Judy, this isn't you. You can't be serious. Judy: Don't you tell me what I can and can't do! Those days are over! And if I want to have an affair or play sex games or do M&M's, you can't stop me!"

"Hospital Cleaning Woman (discovers a dead corpse sitting in a wheelchair in a gentleman's restroom): Hey, Vera! We've got another stiff in the john."

"Violet: One thing you should know about dear Roz, she is the eyes, ears, nose and throat of Mr. Hart - anything she hears, he hears Judy: You mean, she's a company spy? Violet: Sshhh, I wouldn't say that. I'll just say that if you wanna gossip in the ladies room, I'd check first under the stalls for her shoes!"

"Violet: What can we get on him? Judy: A sex scandal! Take a picture of him in bed with a prostitute! Doralee: Oh, who would care? Violet: Yeah, Hart would just buy up the copies and send them out as Christmas cards!"

"Violet: In the trunk! Look, all we have to do is get some cement blocks, chain them to his feet and pitch him off the end of the pier and no one will ever know. Doralee: You are crazy! They'll find it, they always find it! Violet: Oh-hoh, crazy am I? They never found Jimmy Hoffa!"

"Judy: Where's the body?"

"Hart: But why? Why? Violet: Why do you think? Hart: Because I'm a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot? Violet (grinning): Bingo!"

"Doralee: Is that one of them marijuana cigarettes? Violet: Ssshhh, we don't have enough for everybody, cool it!"

"Judy: "Oh, this is awful. It's so improper. It's so disrepectful! Violet: He's dead, he doesn't mind!"

"Maria: "Jo's leaving. They won't let her work part time. Margaret: Of course they won't. It would make things too convenient."

"Eddie (to Judy, on her first day of work): Lady, you're gonna hate it here!"

"Roz: Oh, Violet, I haven't heard from you. Did you get my memo? Violet: I did, Roz; I tore it right up and threw it away...I mean, I tore right through it."

"Judy: "We've got to do something! Margaret: Sure, let's all revolt."

"Judy: Does Violet know about this? Margaret: Not yet, she's down at Charlie's getting drunk! Judy: Well, I'm gonna tell her, this is a disgrace! Margaret: Atta girl!"

"Roz: Where are you going? Doralee: I need a drink, Roz! I'm taking the rest of the day off. Margaret: Atta girl!"

"Margaret: Violet! Where're you going? Violet: I'm gonna get drunk! Margaret: Atta girl!"

"Four weeks? What are you, out of your mind? You think I'm gonna spend four weeks of my life drifting around on that dago boat?!?"

"Hit the road, buster! This is where you get off!"

"As a matter of fact, I smoke pot!"

"Every King needs a Queen, Rita. I want you to be mine."

"This wasn't an easy decision for me, Jerry, believe me. For one thing, I knew it meant we could never be friends again and that hurt me. It's hard to lose a friend, even one who has let you down. You always hope you can patch things up. You know, a guy like me doesn't make friends that easily. Why didn't you just listen to the tape when I asked you? Then I wouldn't have to be doing all this. Was it really too much to expect, a few minutes of your time to listen to something I'd worked on my whole life?"

"[on tape] Now, Jerry. Before I begin, I just want to thank you for listening to this material and for the opportunity that you've given me. You know, lots of people think that guys like you, you know, people who have made it, lose their feeling for struggling young talent such as myself. But now I know from experience that those people are just cynics, embittered by their own failure. I know, Jerry, that you're as human as the rest of us, if not more so."

"Lou Brown - Band leader"