"Mr Moustafa: When the destiny of a great fortune is at stake, men's greed spreads like a poison in the bloodstream. Uncles, nephews, cousins, in-laws of increasingly tenuous connection. The old woman's distant relations had come foraging out of the woodwork."

"Jason Schwartzman - Monsieur Jean"

"The Author: [having finished listening to Mr Moustafa's story; last lines] A week later, I sailed for a cure in South America, and began a long, wandering journey abroad. I did not return to Europe for many years. It was an enchanting old ruin... [his voice turns into that of his older self] ...but I never managed to see it again."

"Jeff Goldblum - Deputy Vilmos Kovacs"

"You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it."

"What is a lobby boy? A lobby boy is completely invisible, yet always in sight. A lobby boy remembers what people hate. A lobby boy anticipates the client's needs before the needs are needed. A lobby boy is, above all, discreet to a fault. Our guests know that their deepest secrets, some of which are frankly rather unseemly, will go with us to our graves. So keep your mouth shut, Zero."

"[to Mme. Celine's corpse] You're looking so well, darling, you really are... they've done a marvelous job. I don't know what sort of cream they've put on you down at the morgue, but... I want some."

"Rudeness is merely an expression of fear. People fear they won't get what they want. The most dreadful and unattractive person only needs to be loved, and they will open up like a flower."

"Tilda Swinton - Madame Céline Villeneuve Desgoffe und Taxis (Madame D.)"

"If I die first, and I almost certainly will, you will be my sole heir. There's not much in the kitty, except a set of ivory-backed hairbrushes and my library of romantic poetry, but when the time comes, these will be yours. Along with whatever we haven't already spent on whores and whiskey."

"Luca Tommassini - Celsius"

"Tom McGowan - Harry Radman"

"Grant Heslov - National Enquirer photographer"

"Christine Baranski - Katharine Archer"

"Hank Azaria - Agador Spartacus"

"Calista Flockhart - Barbara Keeley"

"Dan Futterman - Val Goldman"

"Louise Keeley: [examining the sexually provocative designs on the bowls] Oh, what interesting china. It looks like young men playing leapfrog."

"Come as you are."

"What could possibly come between a match made in heaven? The parents. Dinner. And a nightclub called... (The Birdcage)"

"Robin Williams - Armand Goldman"

"You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!... but you keep it all inside."

"Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I'm a middle-aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I'm not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. Fuck the senator, I don't give a damn what he thinks."

"Gene Hackman - Senator Kevin Keeley"

"Nathan Lane - Albert Goldman"

"[to Albert] My cemetery's in Key Biscayne. It's one of the prettiest in the world. The sky is blue, palm trees, rolling hills. The one is Los Copa's really shit. [sigh] What a pain in the ass you are. And it's true: you're not young, you're not new, and you do make people laugh. And me? I'm still with you because you make me laugh. So you know what I got to do? I got to sell my plot in Key Biscayne so I can get one next to you in that shithole Los Copa, so I never miss a laugh."

"Dianne Wiest - Louise Keeley"

"Don't worry about that. I'm very maternal. And Albert's practically a breast."

"Armand Goldman, you old so-and-so! How 'bout those Dolphins! ... Screaming queen?"

"Chuck Shamata as Jerry Nadler"

"Sonny Shroyer as Big Billy Hunniker"

"David Knell as Nerve Nordlinger"

"Adam Rich as Toby Hart"