"Nothing kills me. I'm immune to one-hundred seventy-nine different types of poison. I know because I ingested them all at once when I was deep undercover in an underground poison-ingesting crime ring."

"It was all a dream. Just kidding. A man's throat dissolved."

"Well, I make a habit out of doing things that people say I can't do. Walk through fire, waterski blindfolded, take up piano at a late age."

"Looks like you ate a box of crayons."

"Once I asked someone for a Tylenol and they gave me a Tylenol PM. I'm not sure what their intentions were, but…"

"I'm pretty sure we all took a fucking vow. I remember it. I remember raising my fucking hand and saying some shit."

"And I know there's a fucking Face/Off machine! You're jus' keeping it secret from me."

"I just…I still, y'know, hear my mom's voice: "Well-behaved women often make history.""

"Could this hotel be any more murder-y?"

"Maybe I should be married to one of the dolls just to make it extra sad. "Ten cats"—wh—why do I have ten cats? Is that even legal? Just missing a shirt that says I've never felt the touch of a man."

"Jason Statham — Rick Ford"

"No, it's not pinkeye, ma'am. It's just, I'm having a bit of an allergic reaction."

"I'm Penny, like the penny."

"Tell me: are your hemorrhoids particularly large, or just tenacious?"

"Rose Byrne — Rayna Boyanov"

"One of the guys. One of the spies."

"Chris Henchy - Jason Sinclair / Panda DJ"

"Alessandra Ambrosio - Karen"

"Bill Burr - Jerry"

"Mark L. Young - Dental hygienist"

"John Cena - Roger"

"Linda Cardellini - Sara Whitaker"

"Scarlett Estevez - Megan Mayron"

"Owen Vaccaro - Dylan Mayron"

"Mark Wahlberg - Dusty Mayron"

"The gloves are off this Boxing Day"

"This Christmas choose your Daddy"

"Hannibal Buress - Griff"

"Will Ferrell - Brad Whitaker"

"[narrating] Here's a question for you. What do kids need more, a father or a dad? What's the difference? The way I see it, darn near anyone can be a father... [video of copulating rhinos] ...but not everyone has the patience or the devotion to be a dad. As for me, I've always wanted to be a dad. Let me tell you, I love it! Yeah! [driving] And I love my Ford Flex. It treats me to a smooth ride, and you know what? It didn't break the bank. Room enough for the whole family. [making sandwiches in the kitchen] Yes, I love being a dad. And I love these two adorable little rays of sunshine. [Dylan and Megan walk in]"

"Renée Elise Goldsberry -Kim"

"It looks like we got our self's a dad-off, Brad."

"Dad vs step-dad."

"Kate McKinnon - Sam"

"Paul Scheer - DJ "The Whip""