136 quotes found
"Dave Chappelle"
"Anthony Berry"
"Neal Brennan"
"Brian Dykstra"
"Drake Hill"
"Sophina Brown"
"William Bogert"
"Yoshio Mita"
"Paul Mooney"
"Charlie Murphy"
"Randy Pearlstein"
"Nick Wyman"
"Donnell Rawlings"
"Max Herman"
"Allen Levy"
"Guillermo Díaz"
"Drago Ruschinsky"
"Amanda Rowan"
"Andy: I have no soul. Man: I don't have one either."
"Larry: Peas on my head, but don't call me peahead. Peas on my head, but don't call me peahead. Peas on my head, but don't call me peahead. Dinosaur: Shut the **** up!!!!! Larry: Aah! (runs away)"
"(bearded man quacks to Andy and cashier) Duck: Shut the **** up!!! Bearded Man: I just wanted to fit in!"
"Snoop Dogg: I'm the real ************* Snoop Do Double G! Who is this fat, red jumpsuited -- Larry: Why don't you just shut up, Andy? No one wants to hear what you want to say. Snoop Dogg: What'd you call me? (smacks Larry in the face) Henry: Dammit, im bored. Andy: (laughing) You smacked him! Snoop Dogg: Yeah, I did smack him. You get one too! (smacks Andy in the face)"
"Andy: ****!(crying)"
"Man: What the hell you looking at?"
"aaliyahs end song"
"Ralphie: The green thing and the hot lady is right, we're being rude! Andy: Peanutbutta slap!"
"Andy (typing into a typewriter): And zoom, the panda ate the sheriff's brain with a pair of chopsticks. And he was crowned the most beautiful animal in the whole room. The end."
"The caption of Andy's submarine sangwhich: Arg! I am the submarine caption! [to the first mate] Fire the torpedo, and take down the being! First mate: Eye caption, eye caption! (A torpedo hits Andy in the eye.)"
"Dee Dee Dee!"
"If you don't believe that God has a sense of humor, tomorrow go to Walmart and just LOOK AT PEOPLE!"
"(on Easter) By the way, what do eggs have to do with Jesus Christ?"
"(pulling on the fat on his chin) That's Chunky Monkey ice cream!!!"
"(from Carlosaurus Rex) Whether you're black or white, Uzbeki or Jew...you're probably an asshole too."
"When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping."
"If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby."
"'Achmed' - Why don't you check the women?"
"'Achmed' - Why don't you check the black people?"
"'Achmed' - Well why don't you check the white people?"
"'Achmed' - Well why don't you check the Hispanics, is it because you're Hispanic?"
"I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!"
"Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay. (ése)"
"I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!"
"Here's how it works: Mexican people are called beaners, okay? I said it! That's right, I said it! I am a funny motherf***er!"
"When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas."
"When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless. When black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers."
"Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, f***ing Aquaman?"
"(from "The Stereotype Song") Jews love bagels and they love money/I am Mexican, I'm so funny."
"Now I admit I like Gold Digger, but Kanye West is a crazy nigga."
"(Through megaphone)Attention people sleeping in that apartment block! Get the f*ck up and get a job!"
"Friends? I see... I have the perfect song for you. (sings) "No one with a penis is really your friend, they say they are but it's all pretend, he listens to your problems every time he phones you, but he's really not, he just wants to bone you!""
"Dos tequilas for the table por favor, both of them for the lady."
"Barkeep: "And if that doesn't work, here's some Vaseline and tissues on the house!""
"(sings) Three dollar tip? ACHMED, KISS MY ASS! You charge more for a Gallon of GAS!"
"Great soul of Gandhi, cover your ears. You will not want to hear this! Listen, you inbred piece of Ku Klux Krap! You white people love to be racist, but the only races you can tell apart are Indianapolis and Daytona. I hope I am reincarnated as toothpaste, so I never have to see you again. Now take your twelve-pack of wife-beating juice and get the park out of my store!"
"Woman: Fifty lottery tickets, please."
"Oh Rama, here I go again! Listen to you, sounding like Death Vader. You people need cigarettes as much as this country needs another C-average President. Plus you look like a human Pez dispenser! Here are your cigarettes, and here is some gum so you can blow bubbles for that WEIRD-ASS HOLE YOU HAVE IN YOUR NECK. And here are some batteries, for your creeping-me-out machine. Now get the park out of my store! I hope I am reincarnated as a turtleneck... I like to tank you for getting that joke!"
"Oh Vishnu, I am about to go against all of your teachings. PLEASE FORGIVE ME! If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know there is a skinny person inside every fat one, but it looks like you have the whole cast of America's Next Top Model inside of there. I hope I am reincarnated as your feet, so that you'll never see me again! ...I apologize, I must apologize! I should not have insulted you, because in my religion, cows are sacred! So take my cheese and your magazine and get the park out of my store!"
"Mencia: And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot."
"Mencia: A family is suing Seaworld because they found their 27 year old son, dead and naked, in Shamu's pen. Look if you're 27 and you're still living at home with your mom and dad you need to kill yourself. (The lawsuit also contends that the gifts at the gift shop don't show the nature of these vicious animals.) Yeah, what part of the words "killer whale" do you not understand. If I told you there were some killer Mexicans living next door you wouldn't want to hang out with them. "But Judge Carlos, I thought Shamu loves everybody." He does...FOR DINNER. Can I get an amen? What do you say, ghost of Johnny Cochran?"
"I'm not an evil person, I'm not an evil person. I feel very bad for the people in New Orléans like the sick people, the poor people, the elderly, those people couldn't get out. But let's talk about the dumbasses who are still there but the ones who are going 'I'm not gonna leave! I'm not gonna leave! Because I'm going to stay here and protect my TV!' Listen, you fucking idiot: unless you have a plasma that got wet by this much water I suggest you get the fuck out of your house right now, you understand me?"
"Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman?"
"Hurricane Katrina was caused by political correctness. I said it!"
"It's got so bad, Mexico sent us help!"
"I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim."
"Mexico sent 39 trucks filled with Mexican soldiers to help out the cause. Now, first of all, they said it was 39 trucks and 180 soldiers. I'm a beaner, and I'm telling you white people, that's a bullsh*t number right off the bat! There's at least a thousand beaners there right now!"
"Grumpy Boogie: I don't like Noogie Boogie! And I don't their Noogie music with their porch Noogie jungle Boogie beats!"
"Chauncey: I'm gonna' kill you Middle America, when you most expect it! I'm gonna' cut the brakes on your balloon!"
"Kurt McNally: Reverend Al Sharpton claims that Paris Hilton's early release from jail smacks of "racial favoritism". Paris Hilton's two-letter response was "O.J.""
"Jennifer Lang: Hillary Clinton said that her faith got her through her marriage crisis. Bill Clinton said that Faith also got him through his marriage crisis, although he can't remember Faith's last name."
"Dennis Miller: Relax, we'll replace oil when we need to. American ingenuity will kick in, and the next great fortune will be made. It's not pretty, but it is historically accurate. We need to run out of oil first. And that's why I drive an SUV -- so we run out of it more quickly. I consider myself to be at the vanguard of the environmental movement. And I think individuals who insist on driving hybrids are just prolonging our dilemma, and I think that's just selfish. Come on, don't you care about Mother Earth?"
"Kurt McNally: After weeks of heated negotiations, the House finally abandoned the idea to a time line and agreed to President Bush's war funding bill. This is considered the biggest Democratic collapse since Nancy Pelosi's face lift gave out."
"Lorenzo Lamas: ...I'm saying that Muslim terrorists destroyed the Trade centers"
""What the shit, man!" (Aziz Ansari)"
""There's something you left off your resume.. Why don't you call us back.. when you're not Asian!" (Aziz Ansari as Bill)"
""Prepare your mind... (Aziz Ansari as John Satan)"
""...for a MIND EXPLOSION!!!" (Paul Scheer as Scott Devil)"
""Fiddling knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man" (Aziz Ansari)"
""Come on, man, I got a full beard!" (Aziz Ansari)"
""Whales, you swim in my piss!" (Rob Huebel)"
""Oh yeah, Doritos time! Got to crunch it 'cause it's good! And the lightning bolt crashes. Hey old man, what you eatin'? Well I'm eatin' a big bag of Doritos. Doritos! Ding!" (Paul Scheer)"
""I don't drink Tang, on EARTH!" (Rob Huebel as Cliff Tarpey)"
""Oh No. Pictures of my vagina leaked out onto the internet." (Rob Huebel)"
""Blood Oath!" (Rob Huebel)"
""It's a spacesuit, dawg!" (Aziz Ansari)"
""And that's why I think video game tennis is just better than regular tennis." (Aziz Ansari)"
""No. We have to settle this... in space." (Rob Huebel as Cliff Tarpey)"
""I'm young, I'm hot, I'm sexy on the spot, touch me here, touch me..." (Paul Scheer)"
""I'm Suryat, are your balls bigger than mine? No, of course not, I'm Suryat, my balls are huge!" (Aziz Ansari as Suryat)"
""It's the prank of the century! Paul made love to a dude, yeah!" (Aziz Ansari)"
""Corn maze!" (Rob Huebel)"
""Go back in time and give your mother an abortion!" (Paul Scheer)"
""Think you got what it takes? Well, take a shit on Mt. Rushmore and call me Jefferson, buddy" (Aziz Ansari as Suryat)"
""I don't want you out there on the bully plane calling me up, saying 'hey, I gotta pull up my marshmallow pants and hit the boohoo button, 'cause I don't know where the cranberries are.' You know what I mean?" (Aziz Ansari as Suryat)"
""You shut up when I'm eating. YOU SHUT UP!!!" (Rob Huebel)"
""Everybody shut up! Shut up! I'm gonna do that thing where you tuck your penis in so it looks like a vagina! 'Oh look at me I'm a pretty girl! I'm a pretty girl! Oh touch my nipples cause I'm so pretty!'" (Paul Scheer as Randy Wattson)"
""Nobody can defeat my light saber!" (Paul Scheer as Randy Wattson)"
""I've decided that if you don't post that Tapes 'n Tapes mp3, I'm going to come back here tomorrow and give you a Colombian necktie." (Aziz Ansari as Clell Tickle)"
""Tickle's right hand man is former Ultimate Fighting champion and convicted child arsonist, Hambone." (Rob Huebel as T.C. Everwood)"
""Clell Tickle ripped my beard off! This isn't even a real beard, man! This thing's fake!" (Devendra Banhart)"
""When you go home after this show I want you to blog about this band; I want you to post pictures. 'Cause if you don't, I'll fucking come to your house man and I'll kill your dog. And if you don't have a dog, I'll hurt the weakest member of your family!" (Aziz Ansari as Clell Tickle)"
""If bands had cocks, this bands cock would be fucking huge!" (Aziz Ansari as Clell Tickle)"
""People say, 'Clell, Clell! You got blood on your hands!' Yeah, well I got gold records on my wall...And I got blood on my hands." (Aziz Ansari as Clell Tickle)"
""There are over 1,200 different organs in the human body. Of these, the eye is not only the largest, but the number one sight giving organ." (Rob Huebel as Dr. Sanjay Gupta)"
""Thanks for the coffee you piece of shit! You just got swindled!" (Aziz Ansari as Jimmy Norville)"
""What John and Scott don't understand is that when you cover the human eye... like this... seeing becomes virtually impossible. And walking? Well, that's literally impossible." (Rob Huebel as Dr. Sanjay Gupta)"
""You know, you can't get pregnant on the moon." (Rob Huebel as Cliff Tarpey)"
""I'm the kind of astronaut that murders for sport." (Rob Huebel as Cliff Tarpey)"
""I'm going to be all over this guy, just like the melted cheddar cheese all over this mesquite chicken with bacon sandwich" (Aziz Ansari as Cannonball)"
""We are now the Weenie Kings." (Paul Scheer as Zerg, a character based on General Zod)"
""You thought it was gonna be tastefully done? Well guess what? It tastefully didn't earn me no money!" (Bobby J)"
""I've been arrested four times! One of those times was bullshit!" (Paul Scheer as G-Force)"
""The Deluxe Clean Vacuum has been recalled because it has been diagnosed with hemophilia." (Narrator on Human Giant's Product Recalls)"
""You say anything I will cut you" (Paul Scheer as a Genie)"
""Federal penal system, you just got swindled' (Aziz Ansari as Jimmy Norville)"
""The hardest part about rollerblading is telling your parents you're gay." (Aziz Ansari as a Rollerblader)"
""Why would you say such things when you know I will kill you?" (Paul Scheer as Zerg)"
""My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born" (Aziz Ansari)"
""I HAVE DESTROYED HIM!!!" (Aziz Ansari as Udon)"
"Bottoms up!"
"Get vertical!"
"Straighten your spines!"
"Stand, ye rand!"
"Raise your rumps!"
"Make with the rising!"
"Court dismissed! Bring in the Dancing Lobsters!"
"My name's Amanda, and...'."
"Stick around; we'll be back in a second to do stuff!"
"Well, that's our show. I gotta go...'. See ya!"
"My name is Penelope Paynt. I'm Amanda's number one fan. I have my very own Amanda website: www.AmandaPlease.com."
"Where's Amanda?"
"From his garage, it's Totally Kyle!"
"That was Totally Kyle!"
"Debbie: I like eggs!"
"Judge Trudy: ' Court dismissed! Bring in the Dancing Lobsters!"
"Tina: Hi, and welcome back to "So You Wanna Win $5?""
"Tony's assistant: Tony! It's the Al Dente Brothers!"