"Kickin’ Wing: You want me to put my ear to the ground and listen for hoof beats, check for footprints, look for broken twigs? This is the modern era. That stuff doesn't work anymore."

"IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN."

"Oh for christ sakes, HERE! [sends AutoTrader down well]"

"It puts the lotion on its skin! You have no idea what kind of hell I can bring you!"

"It does what it's told."

"Don't you get it? Stinky stuff is your milieu. Okay? This is your deal. You are an underachievement nexus of the universe."

"Why have you got a wig? You doing stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus?"

"God Almighty, manna from inbred heaven. Hey freak boy: 1976 called, it wants its hairstyle back."

"What's the story here? I'm a white trash idiot - the end."

"Now, you're tellin' me you were so ingrained with white trash DNA, your facial hair actually grows in on its own all white trashy like that?"

"I don't care about this, and I don't care about these! And I hope I never see you again for the next twenty-five years!"

"You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen spliters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?"

"I'm puttin' the lotion on the skin!"

"I got the poo on me!!"

"[while on air balloon] I can see down your shirt!"

"I thought I had broken my ass bone!"

"Why don't you go practice fallin' down, I'll be there in a minute."

"You wanna fight? Why don't you stick your head up my butt and fight for air?"

"Luckily, my neck broke my fall."

"That shit'll buff out."

"[To himself] YOU JUST SAID YOUR SISTER WAS HOT. WHAT A FUH-REAK. You're goin' to Hell, man, but it was worth it."

"There are three rules when dealin' with a deadly crocodile. Rule number one, I'm number one. Rule number two, the croc's number two."

"[Joe falls off a swing] And at that moment I thought I might just lie there and never get up. I would just sit there and rot there, but then I looked up and saw the moon and got this weird feelin' that Brandy was lookin' up at that same moon. Then I realized I had a home all along, in Silvertown."

"My name is Joe Dirté. I added an e to the end, 'cause it sounds cool."

"[Trying to scrape Charlie the dog's testicles off the frozen porch] Now, this ain't no flapjack. I'll go real easy. I won't look."

"[puts up fists] You guys got somethin' to say to me? Why don't you say it in the microphone. I got a backup mic right here. Check one two, testing, testing. Yup, they both workin' and guess what? They don't like no feedback, what's up?"

"Right on! You're Joe Meteorite and I'm Joe Dirt."

"Ya gotta keep on, keepin' on."

"Say it, don't spray it brother. Dang!"

"It puts the Joe Dirt in the hole."

"You like to see homos naked?"

"I'm new in town, kinda lonely, lookin' for my parents."

"Life's a garden. Dig it!"

"I'm a rocker, dude, through and through. Here's my favorite bands: AC/DC, Van Halen, not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lep..."

"Things are gonna happen for me. I'm Joe Dirt!"

"Oh, why don't you button up your lip? You're always squawkin' about something. You've got more static than a radio."

"Harry Harvey Jr. - Junior Harper"

"Josef Forte - Dr. Alfred Carroll"

"Pat Royale - Agnes"

"Warren McCollum - Jimmy Lane"

"The motion picture you are about to witness may startle you. It would not have been possible, otherwise, to sufficiently emphasize the frightful toll of the new drug menace which is destroying the youth of America in alarmingly-increasing numbers. Marihuana is that drug - a violent narcotic - an unspeakable scourge - The Real Public Enemy Number One! Its first effect is sudden violent, uncontrollable laughter; then come dangerous hallucinations - space expands - time slows down, almost stands still... .fixed ideas come next, conjuring up monstrous extravagances - followed by emotional disturbances, the total inability to direct thoughts, the loss of all power to resist physical emotions... leading finally to acts of shocking violence... ending often in incurable insanity. In picturing its soul-destroying effects no attempt was made to equivocate. The scenes and incidents, while fictionized for the purposes of this story, are based upon actual research into the results of Marihuana addiction. If their stark reality will make you think, will make you aware that something must be done to wipe out this ghastly menace, then the picture will not have failed in its purpose... . Because the dread Marihuana may be reaching forth next for your son or daughter... .or yours... .or YOURS!"

"Carleton Young - Jack Perry"

"Thelma White - Mae Coleman"

"Dave O'Brien - Ralph Wiley"

"Lillian Miles - Blanche"

"Kenneth Craig - Bill Harper"

"Dorothy Short - Mary Lane"

"65 years later, audiences are still hooked!"

"Tell your children!"

"SEE youthful marijuana victims - what actually happens!"