"[after he hallucinates and sees the penguin at Veronica's house; drunkenly] Oh. I see what's going' on in here. [the penguin waves at him] So sorry to interrupt! [turns to Veronica] Proceed!"

"[drunk] You, me, Jack and Frank are gonna go around putting shit on people's doorsteps and we gonna sets it on fire!"

"[to the female high-school classmate] No, I will not make out with you! [laughs] Did you hear that?! This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class! You got chlorophyll man talking about God knows what! All she's talking about is making out with me! I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you! Go on with the chlorophyll!"

"Chlorophyll?! More like BORE-O-PHYLL! Right?"

"[after Ernie hangs up the phone] YOU BLEW IT!!"

"You know I like Snack Pack, why can't you just GIVE ME A SNACK PACK?!?!"

"JUST DO IT!!"

"[to the little kid who's eating chocolate pudding] I bet that snack pack is pretty good huh? [the little kid smiles and nods] Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana? [the little kid smiles and shakes his head] You know how badly I could beat you, right? [the kid keeps smiling and nods]"

"[at the dodgeball period] Now you're all in big, big trouble!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Ms. Lippy. The part in the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think: 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits; you get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog!"

"[singing] Oh, back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight! Ohhhhhhhhh, back to school! Back to school. Back to...school. [the bus approaches] Well, here goes nothin'. [but the bus drives right passed him]"

"[about Eric] Uh, Dad, do we have to discuss this with Captain Dipshit here?"

"He said "poop"!"

"Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?"

"[waves the shampoo bottle as if it is talking] Shampoo is better; I go on first and clean the hair! [waves the conditioner bottle to the same effect] Conditioner is better; I leave the hair silky and smooth! [waves the shampoo bottle] Oh, really, fool?! [waves the conditioner bottle] Really! [then makes the shampoo and conditioner bottle "fight" each other before dropping both into the bathtub, then notices a golden swan-shaped faucet] Stop lookin' at me, swan!"

"All the people at the zoo are real nice, Mr. Penguin. They'll treat you real respectable like."

"It's too damn hot for a penguin to be walking around here."

"[first lines; singing while relaxing in his pool] Suntan lotion is good for me; you protect me, tee-hee-hee! Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but YOU WON'T LET IT! WILL YA?!?! Ultraviolet rays: bad! Lotion: good! [makes a smiley face with his sunblock] Smiley!"

"Quick! Hang a right...Cut over to G Street. I just saw a vision! I saw a goddess. Come on, you've got to catch up to her... This was the most perfect, dazzling creature I've ever seen... She spoke to me. She spoke to me right through the window. I think she said, 'I love you.' That means nothing to you people? You have no romance, no soul? She - someone wants me. Someone roaming the streets wants me! Will you turn the corner?"

"Suzanne Somers - Blonde in T-Bird"

"Kathleen Quinlan - Peggy"

"Jim Bohan - Officer Holstein"

"Harrison Ford - Bob Falfa"

"Beau Gentry - Ants"

"Manuel Padilla Jr. - Carlos"

"Bo Hopkins - Joe Young"

"Wolfman Jack - XERB Disc Jockey"

"Mackenzie Phillips - Carol"

"Candy Clark - Debbie Dunham"

"Cindy Williams - Laurie Henderson"

"Charles Martin Smith - Terry 'The Toad' Fields"

"Paul Le Mat - John Milner"

"Ron Howard - Steve Bolander"

"Richard Dreyfuss - Curt Henderson"

"It doesn’t make sense to leave home to look for home, to give up a life to find a new life, to say goodbye to friends you love just to make new friends."

"Zach Crandell: Cynthia, you're my moon goddess."

"Christopher Pettiet - Zach Crandell"

"Danielle Harris - Melissa Crandell"